UAG

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, now look into the camera with some intensity... that's it. More intense, like this is all about the rugged outdoors, with danger, disaster and the triumph of sheer will-power... Nice, that's better! But don't look angry now, I want you to be intense but not resentful. Just a slow, intense burn.

"Now, don't arch your brow too much, because that makes you look quizzical– and you're not. You know exactly what you're doing. This is all about control, and you are the boss in this situation. You are the chieftain. The alpha male. That's better! Yes! YES! That is a PERFECT LOOK for this shot. You look absolutely fierce and dangerous now!... Oh and you holding the fish, you look good, too."

Poor Cyndi Lauper

Spotted in the "Queer Issue" of The Village Voice, featuring the "Jersey Shore" dudes (which in itself is hilarious)...


... a very unfortunate opposite-page placement of Cyndi Lauper's album across from the Scissor Sister's new album, which forces Cyndi to kiss a dude's ass:


Click movie to make her do it:

Guaranteed To Stay Fresh For 150 Years

Pictured below, remind me not to eat anything from Jordan's Baking Company.

Three Stupid Monday Morning Captchas

A South Park-inspired one from Matt S:


And this one when I tried to comment on Larry K's blog Missing Link:


Hey, update your blog, Larry! It's been seven months!

Another note: You'll notice on that last screenshot that there's a second tab with the now-defunct "They Said This" blog that Dan had built. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. Goddamn, I miss that blog.

A Letter To Van Gogh's "Starry Night" From Rousseau's "Sleeping Gypsy"

Hey, man.

We've been hanging on the same wall at the MoMa for a few years now, but I've never had the chance to talk to you.

Maybe it's because you're always surrounded by people. Like ALL THE FUCKING TIME.


Oh, I get it. You're one of the most recognizable paintings since Grant Wood's "American Gothic" at the Art Institute in Chicago. So people naturally flock to you when they spot you on the wall; hell, some even make a special trip here just to see you. So, sure, you should be getting a lot of attention.

The thing is, so should I.

Dude, there's so much to me. Rousseau himself wrote "A wandering Negress, a mandolin player, lies with her jar beside her (a vase with drinking water), overcome by fatigue in a deep sleep. A lion chances to pass by, picks up her scent yet does not devour her. There is a moonlight effect, very poetic. The scene is set in a completely arid desert. The gypsy is dressed in oriental costume." That shit is poetry.

And you're a starry sky?! Big whoop. You're the Pink Floyd laser show at the planetarium. And check out this love:

“The Sleeping Gypsy is formally exacting — its contours precise, its color crystalline, its lines, surfaces, and accents carefully rhymed. Rousseau plays delicately with light on the lion's body. Rousseau was a self-taught painter, whose work seemed entirely unsophisticated to most of its early viewers. Much in his art, however, found modernist echoes: the flattened shapes and perspectives, the freedom of color and style, the subordination of realistic description to imagination and invention.” – Museum of Modern Art



I am a work of art that you'd hang over your mantel. You're like a bedazzled mousepad in some tween girl's bedroom.



Okay, I'll admit– I've been harsh; I am a bit jealous. Maybe I'm being a bit petty with the amount of attention you get versus me. Maybe your themes of wonder and dreams with the backstory of being the actual window view from a sanitarium makes you deservedly one of the most technically accomplished and discussed paintings. Okay, I'll give you that.


But we're both Post-Impressionist oil on canvas works, so let's just be honest here– that Mona Lisa is crap, right?

Let's Throw a Fermented Apple Into the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Larry Liss in Chicago, a horrific track off of iTunes:


For those of you in the EADJ know, this Jimmy Buffett song (the version without Bret Michaels) was featured in a previous entry of EADJ Song Hate.

Lobsterfest® Lobsters On Through The Lobster!

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster continues its exciting run of succulent lobster originals for a limited time, now in its eighteenth week. Here now are even more ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• Red Lobster develops an advanced technology that allows you to enter other people's dreams. We enter your consciousness when you're asleep, sneak a couple thousand avatars of lobsters into your dream, then dump them all over you when you're fingering Megan Fox. It's just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We pay a tattoo parlor near you an obscene amount of money. Then we tackle you when you drunkenly stumble out of a bar on a Saturday night and strap you into the tattoo chair. We're pretty sure you can figure out what happens next. That's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You fall while playing jai alai and skin your leg. You refuse to get the wound dressed or looked at, and it becomes terribly infected. You come into Red Lobster and show us how the wound has developed some disgusting pus. The servers and you then get into a lively discussion of how the word "pussy" could be used in this situation without any references to vaginas. Just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• Lobsters everywhere start dying for no reason. Scientists everywhere are baffled. The extinction of an entire aquatic species is imminent. Red Lobster refuses to change the name of our restaurants, stating we have a lot of "brand equity" in our name. Our chain eventually goes under as global fisheries and economies collapse. Hey, that's another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• The guy who played Chandler Bing in "Friends" comes to your house and asks if you want to go over to Red Lobster with him for a meal. You tell him you're actually kind of busy and need to get some work done. The rejection totally devastates him, seeing how his acting career has pretty much gone to the toilet since the show ended. Oh yeah, Matthew Perry is his name. That's just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Sammies!

So this bodega on 44th Street sells these sandwiches with some interesting names.

At first, I thought they were named after award shows:



But then I realized they're just people's names. Cool.



And in case you were wondering...


YES.

Let's Dip the EADJ Mail Sack In Hand Sanitizer Rather Than Properly Washing It!

Submitted by John Reid, some "epic rich people art" in Carmel-By-The-Sea:

Hey, What The

Spotted at a specialty tile store in Jersey (don't ask), a children's soccer school's display, which looks normal at first...


...until you realize that the designer sneaked in some random dude's head onto one of the children:



I'm assuming that guy is either the designer's friend or sworn enemy.

UAG

R.I.P. George Steinbrenner

July 4, 1930 – July 13, 2010

You were a cranky, rash, unpleasant son of a bitch. But goddamn, you were a hell of a baseball owner. And the Yankees' continued dominance in baseball and American culture is your legacy. Rest well, George.


Perfect. Just when we're feeling down, the pewter harbinger of suck shows up. Worse than a salt in the wound, you're like a splintery shoe tree forced into someone's dry asshole. And what the hell is a shoe tree again?


It was a RHETORICAL QUESTION, you overhelpful turdstain of a suckup. Just shut the fuck up, Pewter Bear, you sniveling, shiny venereal scab. I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A EULOGY. And you show up after a long break (which we all fucking LOVED) and impose your intolerable horribleness in the middle of a tender moment? And didn't you show up when Michael Jackson/Farrah Fawcett died last year? Your timing is impeccable, you ass-eating shartsucker. Why are you so unbelievably murderable?

Now I've lost my train of thought. All I can think about are shoe trees. GODDAMN YOUR SOUL TO HELL, PEWTER BEAR! BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY AND NEVER MELT DOWN!

What A Wedding DJ Would Say If He Somehow Showed Up To the Gig With Nothing To Play But The Cannibal Corpse CD "Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony"

"Uh, Janet and Craig? Ha ha. Hey listen, uh, congratulations first of all, and secondly, uh, I hate to be the bringer of bad news at this time, but I seem to have forgotten to load up any music onto my laptop or in my crates in my rush to get here on time. And I realize the reception will be starting in ten minutes.

"Yeah, I don't have any music. None. Just this one CD that my nephew Josh left in the van two days ago– 'Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony' by this band called Cannibal Corpse. Josh really likes that band. You could say he's going through 'a phase,' ha ha ha.

"But listen... this is not a bad thing. All that planning of tracks and intros that we made over the last four months? I think I can pull it off with this one CD. Believe me, folks. I'm pretty good in a pinch. I really believe I can make this work. They don't call me 'The Jazzy Jeff of Poughkeepsie' for nothing! Ha ha ha.

"No, look. It will be okay, really, Janet. For example, during the cocktail hour, instead of playing old standards by Sinatra and Duke Ellington, I've been playing the track 'Vomit The Soul (Live)' on a loop for the past hour. The live track's crowd noise seems to have kept a certain energy going, as you can see- almost everyone has scrambled to the bar on the far end of the banquet hall. So it's working, see?

"Okay, so for when your bridal party comes out, instead of playing 'That's What Friends Are For,' we're going with 'Unleashing The Bloodthirsty.' Then when the parents come out, I'm going to play Cannibal Corpse's cover of the Metallica song 'No Remorse.' To show they don't regret you two marrying, see? Ha ha ha.

"Okay, Janet, I see you're getting really upset, but I assure you both, I've thought this all through for the last 20 minutes, and I've figured it all out. Relax.

"For the Father-daughter dance, I thought the track 'A Skull Full Of Maggots' could work. No, Janet? You're right- the melody is probably too uptempo for a waltz... Tell you what- we'll go with 'Hammer Smashed Face' instead.

"Of corpse...Whoops! Freudian slip there, ha ha!" Of course I've also thought of the Groom-and-Mother dance. Craig, you and your mother will dance to 'Stripped Raped And Strangled.'

"Now for the smaller details: the bouquet tossing event, which was going to use that Beyonce track 'Single Ladies,' will instead be accompanied with 'I Will Kill You.' And for the racy removing-the-bride's-garter portion, we'll be going with 'Meathook Sodomy.' I was thinking, the cake cutting ceremony would be great with Cannibal Corpse's 'Fucked With A Knife.'

"And since I have you both here, I was wondering if you could pay me the balance of $200 for my services? I know now's not the perfect time, but I know how busy you're going to be tonight, right? Ha ha."

Spotted in Chinatown

A shirt I can't tell is ironic or not.


"DO NOT NIEECH"

Let's Use a Centrifuge To Separate the Chicken Cartilage From the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Bill Dow:

"does f have a website?"

Probably Not Going To Be a Second Date

Spotted at a romantic fondue place in Atlantic City, some dude checks on the Cardinals score and blows any chance for second base. See what I did there?

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey Bow Wow."
"Hey T-Pain. What's going on?"
"Not much. Listen, you know how both of us are starring in this upcoming movie 'Lottery Ticket?'"
"We are?"
"I know. I've never heard of it, either. But take a look at the movie poster. Take a good look at the credits at the top."
"Okay."
"You notice anything about it?"
"No. Just that I'm first. Ha ha!"
"Yeah, good for you and all that. But listen, Lil' Bow Wow.."
"HEY. It's JUST Bow Wow now."
"Sorry. Bow Wow, look how everyone has their first name, then their last name gets blown up in bigger letters."
"Yeah? So?"
"Well, look at my name. Mine's ALL big. Ice CUBE. Bow WOW. Mike EPPS. And mine's just T-PAIN, not T-PAIN."
"Wait. How were those two different?"
"The first time I said 'T,' it was in lower case. The second time I said it in bold upper case."
"No, you didn't. You said T-PAIN the same way twice."
"Well, shit. Forget how I said it; it would look different on the poster."
"Oh. Okay."
"My point is, my name's been reduced to a single word, like Cher, Madonna, or Prince."
"That doesn't sound like a bad thing, man. That makes you an icon. Hey, wait; maybe what you could do is put your rap name in quotes, like Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson or Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges when you're acting."
"My real name's Faheem Rasheed Najm."
"T-Pain it is, then."

An Appropriate Reaction.

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Nice Set Up.

Pictured below, either World Cup fever has hit New York, or the shawarma vendor cannot miss his "General Hospital" to see if Sonny manages to save Kristina.

That's Not Right, Continental.

Pictured below, a RACIST PLANE.

EADJ Wishes You a Happy Independence Day Weekend.

I never get sentimental at these things, but I think I'm going to cry. See you Monday.

Maybe One of the Stupidest Movies We've Made

Fourth of July Preparations

As the holiday weekend approaches, EADJ urges everyone to exercise caution and care when helping your toddler light M-80s.

It is in this spirit that we feature a recent item we got in the mail: The Phantom Fireworks brand catalog:


The 30-page catalog boasted an impressive array of fireworks in their stock. But more interesting were the item descriptions.

(Click to enlarge and read)