Monday Entry, An Entry For Monday

Click to enlarge, an ad found in Parade Magazine, which comes in most Sunday papers.

Et Tu, Wawa?

Spotted in South Jersey:

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With How To Fold a Cloth Napkin With a Waterfall Pleat

Be sure to use a crisp, starched napkin for best results. Start with a napkin laid flat. Bring the bottom long edge of the napkin up to the top edge to fold the napkin in half lengthwise. Fold the left side over to the right. Position the napkin in a diamond shape with the open points at the top. Bring the first layer down to the bottom point. Crease the fold. Accordion-pleat the layer you just folded down to the crease line. Fold the napkin in half to form a triangle. Turn the napkin so the folded line is at the bottom. Tuck the side points into each other in the back. Stand the finished napkin on a plate, and fan the pleats outwards.

And since I'm on the subject, if you're ever riding in the back of my limo, please don't throw my cloth napkins in the little trash can. Those things are expensive, and it's taken me a while to find cranberry ones to match the interior. Don't be an asshole.

Let's Use That Outdated Faux Finish Method To Paint the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Tom Weingard, a pretty ubiquitous web banner that makes zero sense:

Hey, Look.

My favorite electronic duo from the 90's.

"You're Looking For Lightbulbs? Sure, They're in Aisle 5 With 'Sauces & Condiments.'"

Scary.

When we moved into our new house, the previous owner had left a plethora of bizarro stuff, like plastic pelican planters, 2 bowling balls in the garden, and this hideous mirror clock:


We set all that crap on the curb, and someone promptly– and thankfully– took it. So you can imagine my surprise last weekend when I was having sushi with my parents in Greenbelt, Maryland, and I spotted THIS:


Dun dun DUUUNNNNNNN!

Song Sung, Blew

Pictured above, Tom hates it when Neil uses his teeth.

And Now, Pewter Bear With How To Host a Clambake

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. We are not doing this.

We gave a 'how to' segment to Vince's Uncle Roberto, and then we gave one to "Ugly Andrew Gall." But we'll be pigfucked if we give a regular EADJ segment, 'how to' or otherwise, to goddamn weak-ass fucking Pewter Bear.

Fuck you, Pewter Bear. Nobody asked you to host a segment. Nobody even asked you to be born and breathe our air. Nobody invited you to exist and take up space. So why don't you just jump in a volcano or slit your own throat with some kind of special pewter-cutting knife? Man, hating you takes up so much GODDAMN ENERGY! I feel sleepy now. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

A Missed Opportunity

Down the street from the office on 3rd Avenue, Tom & I noticed a street vendor's handmade sign with a pretty spectacular typo.


Despite the misspelling, there is always a long line of people ordering food from that vendor. Tom & I had planned to bring a magic marker one day and correct the sign on video but have been too busy to break away for the last two weeks.


We had even started working out a system to distract the guys working there while writing in the "I" and filming it. But when we finally got around to doing the thing, the vendors had gone to Kinko's to have signs made. Mother pisser.


And only later did I realize that they had written "4:50" on the old sign.

EADJ Album Artwork Project, Music Revealed

So, yesterday Andrew and Michelle guessed what some bands sounded like based on the album artwork. Here we evaluate how well they guessed in a little EADJ listening party.


Album #1: "It's Hard To Be A Diamond In A Rhinstone (sic) World" by Blood On the Dance Floor
Track: "Save the Rave"


Michelle and Andrew had both used the word "slinky" to describe the music. Uncanny!

Andrew: "Yep, slinky sounds are definitely there. Chipmunking it up. Sounds like horses dry heaving. I was spot on with this one."



Album #2: "It's Always Gully In Philadelphia, Season 3" by Various

Track: "Gun You Down Tonight" by Cassidy



Michelle had assumed too much about this one. She was somehow thinking this would be socially conscious rap, sort of Arrested Development meets N.W.A. But Andrew being the hip-hop connoisseur that he is (he just saw the Rock The Bells show on the west coast), detected something more expected. Also, maybe the bullet holes tipped him off.


Album #3: "Demo" by Slow Motion Noise

Track: "Hope and a Reason (Demo)"



Michelle: "Awful Autotune! So terrible and derivative... I never would have gone that way with them."

Andrew: "Couldn’t listen to more than 20 seconds. Makes me think of that picture of those 20 extra tan jersey douchebags at the club."


Album #4: "Hooked On Ebonics" by Radiobaghdad

Track: "Poor Flipper"



Both Andrew and Michelle were thrown by the artwork on this one. So much that they guessed an entire genre off.

Andrew: "Wow, was I off. Not jamerican in any way. Not homophobic either. I think he said something about whales or manatees, which deserves points. In short, rawr rawr rawr."

Michelle: "Yeah. I was totally off on that one. It's way more punk..."



Album #5: "Beat Kids" by Beat Kids

Track: "Who The Fuck Is Joey Fenton?"



Andrew: "Voice sounds like poop. Typical guitars. Seems like they want to be an odd Matchbox 20-Rancid mash up. Nast."

Michelle: "Actually, the Beat Kids one sounds a lot like I thought it would..."



Album #6: "The Undislodgable Nugget Scenario" by Super Fun Happy Slide

Track: "Revenge of the Afterstench"



Michelle: "I love the name Revenge of the Afterstench! And that it sounds like a bullfrog puking!"

Andrew: "My biggest regret in life may be that I never reviewed this previously to match up with what I write here. They are fucking beastly. Literally, I think it is a horde of mammals with tails and matted fur."

EADJ Album Artwork Project

Here's a new segment: we send some unknown album artwork to friends and ask them to predict what the music sounds like based on the cover alone. We then send them mp3's from those albums to see how well they did. S'fun!


We recruited the help of Balls in Chicago and Andrew Gall in Seattle. Here are their impressions based purely on the album artwork:

Album #1: Blood On the Dancefloor (aka BOTDF) "It's Hard To Be a Diamond In a Rhinstone (sic) World"


Michelle: "A true pioneer in the eastern-bloc pop music scene. Botof takes up where Avril Lavigne left off and adds a slinky, dark edge to it. Simply stated, it's self-absorbed, pop-punk with a vague death wish."

Andrew: "Her (his?) sound is like a group of slinkies going down the stairs (alone or in pairs, no less), with a backing track that is a bit techno and a bit like an overweight man belching, mixed with the unmistakable sound of lily white asscrack. For some reason I am also visualizing the sound a gun turret makes."


Album #2: Various Artists "It's Always Gully In Philadelphia, Season 3"


Michelle: "Gritty, gangster hip-hop with a socially conscious twist. Heavy, trigger-happy beats paired up with grisly, raw raps capture the struggles of thug life in South Philly. This is hardcore, bitches."

Andrew: "I have to admit, this did make me chuckle a little bit. As humorous as the concept itself may be, these guys seem like your typical mealy-mouthed gun talk MCs, rapping things like “nickel bag” with “jag” and posturing with a .44 in their pants all the while. For some reason I feel like the one second from the right has the most raw skills. They’re also likely to rap over some oversampled tracks, like “Between the Sheets” by the Isley Brothers or something by Wham. Needs improvement."


Album #3: Slow Motion Noise, Demo

*This is actually a band photo, not an album cover


Michelle: "This band proves themselves to be Christian music's answer to Coldplay. Their meaningful, deft lyrics expound on themes of forgiveness and spiritual wandering. Their soaring, anthemic, guitar melodies make this a praise-worthy effort."

Andrew: "Weird dudes with fat guy whose arms are folded- This band is a myriad of problems. The guy on the left can’t get a girl, the two in the middle would be more popular on their own, and the drummer (the guy on the right) ruins most of their live shows by sweating through his t-shirts and blasting mid-set burrito farts. Plus, they haven’t really figured out their sound yet. They sound vaguely Swedish."



Album #4: Radiobaghdad, "Hooked On Ebonics"


Michelle: "Post-modern, avant-garde duo Radiobagdad gives an ironic tip-of-the-hat to 90s old skool hip-hop genre. Their detached, eurotrash vocals and elastic, synthesized beats are persuasive and taught. It's the adventurous fusion of their krautrock influences with more urban rhythms that shake up the aural status-quo and defy classification."

Andrew: "Contrary to first impulse, these guys are actually a dancehall group. They’re your typical reggae homophobes, featuring tracks like “No way, gay” and “hopeless homo”, but they do have the potential to shine. Decent beats save this one. Top 40 crossover potential."


Album #5: Beat Kids, Self-Titled


Michelle: "Bratty, and at times lyrically adolescent, this band really stands out in the sea of indie-popsters. Bright, unrestrained, with shades of so-cal punk influence, their music is as high-velocity as it is danceable."

Andrew: "The most potential of an otherwise inauspicious group of musical artists. The green slime which contains bones, an eyeball, and possibly shoes belies the genius pairing of four plain white tees, a plaid sweater, and some vicious, vicious britpop. The guy on the left is the lead singer, and his balls are far more overworked than yours. The other four mainly dance around and sometimes wrestle each other. In short, this sounds like the future."


Album #6: Super Fun Happy Slide, "The Undislodgable Nugget Scenario"


Michelle: "A perfect combination of ham-fisted, bare-knuckled guitar riffs, highly-caustic, mutating vocals, and reckless drum beats. This release will literally bludgeon your ass."

Andrew: (Due to a clerical error on EADJ's part, Andrew was not sent this album cover and does not have an entry for this one. Totally my bad.)


NEXT ENTRY: What the bands sound like!

Spotted in Brooklyn

The guy at the Chinese restaurant finally replaces the missing "F" from his sign, thus avoiding any confusion over whether they also serve Irish food.

EADJ ProofrEADJer, August Edition

Funny how most of these are restaurant-based.

Yikes

Spotted in a Goodwill in Laurel, Maryland, a lamp that defies description:



What's worse, it was one in a set of two.

Another Typical Morning

Spotted on the Times Square 7 platform on my way to work, a keyboardist plays a little Michael McDonald to get the morning started. Then he stops playing when he catches me filming him.



Now, I like as much morning Michael McDonald as the next guy, but breaking out a big gun like "What a Fool Believes" is a little intense for my tastes. Why not something more mellow, like "Yah Mo B There" or "I Keep Forgettin' (Every Time You're Near)?" I mean, you really gotta pace yourself for the long day. Leave the more cranking choons like "It Keeps You Runnin'" or "Takin' It To the Streets" for after lunch.

Forgettin'. Runnin'. Takin'. Mr. McDonald doesn't like ending his verbs with G's.

I'm hopin' he's there when I'm commutin' home, playin' "Sweet Freedom" from the Runnin' Scared soundtrack.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with Thunderstorm Safety Tips

When it comes to severe thunderstorms, you must first of all be prepared. Have disaster supplies on hand, including:

• Flashlight and extra batteries
• Battery-operated radio and extra batteries
• First aid kit and manual
• Emergency food and water
• Non-electric can opener
• Essential medicines
• Checkbook, cash, credit cards, ATM cards

If you are caught outdoors and no shelter is nearby, find a low spot away from trees, fences, and poles. If you are in the woods, take shelter under the shorter trees. If you feel your skin tingle or your hair stand on end, squat low to the ground on the balls of your feet. Place your hands on your knees with your head between them. Make yourself the smallest target possible; minimize your contact with the ground.

And speaking of skin tingling, I once cleaned the upholstery of the back of my limo with some generic lemon solvent I got at a car wash. The high school prommers who sat in it complained later of rashes and light burns. Never again.

Taint Nobody's Business By My Own

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EADJ Q&A

Question: David, now that you've moved to Maplewood, New Jersey, is shopping at the Pathmark there any different from the one in Brooklyn?

Answer: