Hell is A Bridal Shop.

It's four months after the wedding, and we can finally settle down and never have to talk about weddings ever again, right? Wrong! I had to accompany the new wife to a bridal salon so that she could have the dress PRESERVED and TOUCHED UP. The shop's proprietors are two very lovely but chatty women. Add the fact that J'Net brought a PHOTO ALBUM OF THE WEDDING, and you've got one seriously bored-out-of-his-everlovin'-skull groom.


I could have left the shop, but the shop is located in Haddonfield, NJ, which is essentially a Thomas Kinkaid painting brought to life. So no porn shops, casinos, or walls to tag. So what was my recourse? I took a flight of fancy through the magic of my imagination.

I grabbed the nearest reading material– an Alfred Angelo "Special Occasion" separates catalog– and proceeded to let my mind wander. I played a game called "Pick 5 Women in This Catalog That I'd Bone and Why."


And after deliberating for 10 minutes, here were my picks (it must be noted here that this was an intellectual exercise in the front window of a store– there was no self-frottage happening):


5) "The Middle School Chaperone"

This model, who I've nicknamed Frida, with her buxom frame and come-hither look definitely stood out as bone-able.

The fact that she's standing in a corner, as if she just snuck out of the middle school gym for a quickie doesn't hurt either.

Hey, Frida, make sure the kids aren't spiking the punch bowl again!

Bonability Factor: 6




4) "The Kitty Dukakis"

Now, I'm no MILF hunter, but I am a total sucker for a lapel-less jacket with matching buttons and cuffs.

"Cheryl" here wears the outfit with class, style, and a little bit of irony. Very bonable.

Standing proud against the wall as if she's facing either paparazzi or a firing squad, Cheryl does it with all the detachment of someone not getting emotionally involved with a boning.

Bonability Factor: 7



3) "The Galadriel"

Frida's back in a corner with a naughtier, more revealing ensemble.

As if emerging from her tree dwelling at Caras Galadhon, she offers refuge for Frodo Baggins and the Fellowship of the Ring.

And a little revealed leg shows that her temptations are almost as strong as that of the One Ring. Good show, Frida!

Bonability factor: 8




2) "The Nancy Reagan/ The Booty Shifter" (tie)


"Karla" and "Miriam" both exude sexuality, but from different ends of the spectrum, with the same end result.

Karla's prim, straightforward manner tells you she wants to schedule a serious boning.

Miriam, however, slyly throws that ass around as if to say, "Oh, did you notice my ass? It's available for boning."

Bravo, ladies, you're both winners!

Combined bonability factor: 9.5




1) "The Aged Trophy Wife"

This model, nicknamed "Cherise," has a bored playfulness about her that defiantly confirms her sexuality.

Drunk and leaning against the wall for support, she doesn't care if her CEO husband sees her flirting with the young bartender at the charity function. He doesn't give her the business like he used to, and she's a Rob Roy away from telling the whole party that he can't get it up anymore.

But she'll bone you at the drop of a hat.

Bonability Factor: 4,000