Hey Bayer

Hey Bayer

You don't have to put a legal super on your ads that say "Scientist portrayed by an actor" if you've already cast an actor that is too rugged and good looking to be a scientist.

That guy looks ridiculous. He looks like a lumberjack who stole a lab coat from behind a Clinique make up counter. Hmm, maybe get that guy to tent his fingers while he's talking will make him seem more knowledgable...

Just for your reference for future Bayer ads, here is a photo of real life scientist Dr. Ahmed Chadli, biochemist in the MCG Center for Molecular Chaperones/Radiobiology and Cancer Virology at the Medical College of Georgia. Maybe you could cast him instead of Michael Bolton there.

Also, Bayer, thanks for creating heroin.

The Pathmark To Hell is Paved With Target Intentions

 

*Whew* You discarded it just in time. That thang fugly.

 

Nothing pays tribute to Whitney Houston quite like a discarded lollipop.

 

 Lock jaw?

 

Personally, I don't see what the buzz is about Nicki Minaj, paper towels or toy garbage trucks.

 

Nothing says "WELCOME" like a terrifying sculpture of a frog wielding an axe.

 

Neither Trayvon Martin nor parmesan cheese belong here.

 

I don't know what an "Ask The Unicorn" button is, but I don't think it belongs near pet food.

 

"I am Five Iron Man!"

Lazy, sad, and imitation.

EADJ Science: The 3 Laws of Conveniencedynamics

Here at the EADJ Institute we are always striving to better society by publishing new findings in the field of science or dick eating. Recently we've uncovered a new scientific principle that helps describe one of the least understood forces in the universe: convenience.

The First Law of Conveniencedynamics

"Convenience can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change forms."


In any closed system, the total amount of convenience is the same. For example, in Fig. 1.1, the person NOT pushing the revolving door because her fat ass is too busy drinking a grande mochalatte is creating more work for the person behind her, who must push twice as hard. The added convenience of enjoying a rich chocolate iced coffee drink with whipped cream while going to work has made it less convenient for the next commuter. The First Law can be expressed thusly:


The Second Law of Conveniencedynamics

"The total entropy, or disorder, of any isolated convenience system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value."



This Second Law states that in any closed system of convenience, the total amount of disorder tends to increase over time. For example, a woman (Fig. 1.2) walking down a subway walkway while reading "He's Just Not That Into You" is creating more and more likelihood of people dodging her and walking around her, creating more of a pigfuck in the tunnel when you're just trying to get past. Its mathematical equivalent:

(You may also notice that the woman created so much disorder in the tunnel that a man steps in dogshit.)

The Third Law of Conveniencedynamics

"Convenience can never reach absolute zero."

Whether you're blocking a walkway AND access to an ATM (Fig. 1.3), blocking a thru-way at a salad bar(Fig. 1.4), or just being a turdbag in front of your friends (Fig. 1.5), the convenience you get from texting is never zero; you do get some sort of convenience– however minimal– from reading your buddy's message saying "HEY WUT U DOIN LOL?".




This Third Law has the simplest formula:

Meet Safeway's Tony Tantillo

Hey, how ya doin'. I'm Tony Tantillo, you know, Mikey's brutha. You may have spotted me and whatnot in the fokkin' Safeway circulars that they have there in the Safeway stores and whatnot. "Fresh Ideas Magazine" or "Fresh Grocer" or some shit. I don't know, they keep changing the fokkin' name of the newsletter and I get confused and shit. So fuck 'em.


I was recently featured on the newsletter thing talking about how fokkin' fresh my garden-grown tomatillos are. I know, I know– Tantillo's tomatillos, real cute. But I'm fokkin' serious. These things are the freshest produce you will ever see, my hand to God. You can pluck one of these things from my backyard garden or buy one from Safeway, and I swear on my mother's grave (God rest her soul) that you won't be able to tell the fokkin' difference. Well, if you do try to root around in my garden, I will come out with my brother Mikey's aluminum bat and put it to work on your ankles and knees. See how you like that, hotshot.


Look at these fokkin' things. You really got to go to your local Safeway and check these things out. They're like perfect and whatnot. Firm yet tender skin. Bright perfect red color. Still on the vine. You won't find a better tomato anywheres, I can tell you now. My Aunt Fiona puts these things in her marinara sauce, I swear to God, kids start hoverin' around her kitchen window like fokkin' flies around a donkey carcass. I am not lyin' to you. Them tomatoes make the sauce smell like one a' those fancy million dollar joints. 'Cept it's my Aunt Fiona's place, and she don't serve people who she ain't been introduced to since that assault at the bus stop. Or blacks. Hey, argue all you want. She's from another time.

You Might Not Be Ready For This.

Just when we thought the matter had died down, and there was no more reason to ever report on it again, it happened: we came across a TALLER, YOUNGER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON.




Such a bombshell has rocked the scientific community, especially since the last spotting of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was as long ago as October 26, 2007 by Emilies Sander and Kane. Journals everywhere are scrambling to publish the findings. Curiously, however, Scott himself is unimpressed:

(via email) "There is a slight resemblance, however he seems to lack my outgoing personality."

Personality aside, this new discovery opens a whole slew of new possibilities. Is Scott not the end but merely a link in the ongoing evolution of his species? Or could it perversely actually BE the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson who's moved to New York with weight-loss, shoe lifts, and a few chemical peels? Such a notion is possible considering the abrupt end of SFVOSP spottings in Chicago.




It should again be noted here that Vince has NEVER seen the SFVOSP.