An Open Letter To Everyone Who Uses One Of Those Nextel Walkie Talkie Phones

Dear Everyone Who Uses One Of Those Nextel Walkie Talkie Phones,

About that "push-to-talk" feature on your phone. Is there any other setting on those things besides AIRHORN FUCKING LOUD? That annoying chirp announces to everyone on the bus or bank line that you're about publicly engage in a worthless conversation. Something like this:

"Where you at?"
BEEPBEEP
"Huh?"
"Where you at?"
BEEPBEEP
"Home Depot."
"Hah?"
BEEPBEEP
"AT HOME DEPOT."
"Oh."
BEEPBEEP

The mere fact that you and your buddy have to constantly repeat yourselves shows how sucky your phones are, plus it doubles the ear-piercing chirps that everyone has to endure, if you've ever noticed. But I'm guessing you haven't.

Nobody wants to hear you announce that you think "Shelly is a flirt," because nobody cares. What it comes down to is, your life is basically ordinary and lame, and you broadcasting to everyone your little conversations with your little friends about your stupid lives makes you even more pathetic and unbearable.

But maybe your main motivation for talking on those phones is money– the fact that you don't have to pay for minutes if you just use the walkie talkie feature, right? Wow! Score one for you, sticking it to the cell phone companies, saving like 20 dollars a month! BEEPBEEP! You fucking suck! BEEPBEEP!

Choke on urine!

Sincerely,
Eat A Dick Joel

BONUS POINTS: Nextel user driving a Hummer and drinking Fiji water- the Douchebag Trifecta!

BLOG ENTRY UPDATE: Apparently this bit was done years ago with John Reid at Blamer-Brasselt in Chicago. So credit also goes to him on this rant.