Saying Goodbye To A Bunch of Shit While We Say Goodbye to February

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye!

UAG

Spotted at Stop & Shop

This milk is good until insurrection.

Six Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based On a NJ Diner Breakfast Menu

The major Hollywood studios have been out of movie ideas for years. Recently, however, they've gotten desperate enough to raid the breakfast menu to develop new feature films. Here are their upcoming cinematic offerings:

"Scrambled" starring Jason Bateman and Sarah Silverman

Bateman plays a billionaire tech entrepreneur who gets amnesia after bumping his head and is convinced by a con artist (Silverman) that he's giving her all his money. Also starring Rashida Jones as the orphanage manager.

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"Over Easy" starring John David Washington, Barry Keoghan and Letitia Wright

A hardboiled crime drama involving a failed heist, forty corrupt cops and a conspiracy to kill the mayor. Directed by the Russo Brothers.

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"Over Medium" starring Issa Rae, Jon Heder and Jack Black

Two supernatural skeptics (Seder & Black) confront what they think is a fake medium (Rae) but discover her powers are very, very real. Also starring Nate Fielding as a clueless reporter.

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"Over Hard" starring Alexis Texas, Riley Reid, Stormy Daniels and Lana Rhoades

No specific details about this film other than it's being filmed in the San Fernando Valley.

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"Cage-Free Egg Whites" not starring Nicolas Cage

Despite he and his representatives' persistent efforts, Nicolas Cage is NOT starring in this indie film about egg whites. Director Sam Mendes and cinematographer Roger Deakins are attached, further frustrating Cage.

Spotted Recently

That poor third kid.

Spotted on FB

The description at the bottom:

"Sexy maid outfit can be worn to clean your house."

"Can be". Would also help if the person wearing the outfit were able or willing to clean your house. Dressing up a dog as a bear doesn't make it suddenly a bear, ya dig?

EADJ Fashion Round-Up: End of February Edition

Minion Chic.

Striped sleeves + blue vest = Raggedy Walmart.

Both articles match, in that they're both blue and are 3 sizes too small.

Spotted at Jiffy Lube: Won't you be my muffler?

What in the Sta-Puft is Zoe Saldana wearing? I know it's a winter promotion, but JEEZ.

Spotted at CVS

A Wonder Woman mask that accompanies a coloring and activity book.

At closer inspection, however, it appears that Diana's long goddess hair has been cropped into a sensible, professional bob. And now she looks like a temp.

Screensaver Themes You Probably Forgot About

Screensavers were popular in the 90s during the boom of personal and office computers. The belief was that these screensaver programs would help "save" computer screens from burning out by giving them something constantly moving instead of a steady signal. One popular screensaver theme was After Dark's Flying Toasters (pictured). Here now are some other screensaver themes you may have forgotten:

• Dean Cain flexing his Superman muscles

• Rotating "Seaquest DSV" logo

• Super-complex animation of 3 ribbons weaving and unweaving

• Kim Basinger strip solitaire

• Scrolling lyrics of "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia

• Dancing baby bloody footprints

• Animated text from John Grisham's "The Chamber"

It's Time To Say Goodbye To Whatever Bullshit Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Happy Valentines Day from Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ would like to wish you a happy, safe, uninfected Valentines Day. Get your freak on. Make love to your old man (or lady). And rest in the assurance that you have a whole year before you have to buy stupid flowers and teddy bears just so they don't get mad at you.

New Product Announcements at This Year's Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show (CES) took place this week in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and many of the world's leading electronics companies attended to show off their latest gadgets and technology. Here are some of the highlights:

• A Roomba doing tricks on a Lazy Susan for no reason

• Dyson's new $1200 bladeless back shaver

• Sunbeam's helium-filled blanket that floats away when you're asleep

• A TV for your elderly parents that changes to hardcore porn whenever they try to watch Fox News

• New QR codes that don't work

• A USB-powered USB charger

• The EXO soy sauce dispensing drone

• A carbon monoxide detector that doesn't notify you if it looks like you're busy

Nice Outfit

Spotted on FB:

"The End of Labor Is To Gain Pathmark."

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Early February Edition

The Latest New Perks of Being an AMC Stubs Member

AMC would like to know why you haven't signed up for their Stubs Rewards Program. Especially since they've added so many new benefits for current and new members. Here are the latest perks you can enjoy if you sign up now:

• We give you a large flag, so if there's a line of dialogue that you didn't catch, you can hold the flag up and we will rewind the film reel 15 seconds for you.

• Unlimited free refills of Coke in your car's gas tank

• If you let us, we will hold and shake your penis for you while you pee in the bathroom

• GIANT SALTED PRETZEL NECKLACE

• Free offshore tax shelters (for Stubs members with over $500M)

• Members who are Instagram influencers will be able to live stream the entire movie on their channel, free of charge.

• Special private screening of all upcoming Marvel movies so you can spoil it for everyone else like a real asshole.

UAG

"A Pathmark Divided Cannot Stand"

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen - Mostly Smut Edition

"Aha fools! I have just turned your virginal young lady friend into a sex-starved... wait a minute. You already had a lower back tattoo? WTF?"

"No no no no no no no, I'm not in a bad knockoff movie. I'm not in a bad knockoff movie..."

"This is the sexiest episode of Animorphs EVER!"

"Miss Trouble? You... you got something on your shirt. Right there."

"Okay, okay! JEEZ." *reaches for a second dollar bill to tip her*

"I don't need a girlfriend. I go SOLO, understand?"

The erotic prequel to "Fire In His Urinal"

"Man, the bonus fighter characters in Mortal Kombat are getting ridiculous."

"My calendar is pretty tight, but I think I can squeeze you in on Monday, April 10 through Friday, April 21."