Here Are Your Year-End Job Numbers

Hello, all. Kiersten from HR here. I wanted to remind everyone to fill in your timesheets BEFORE leaving for the break. Too many times now, we've left jobs open and couldn't bill the client and had to move budgets around to compensate, and let me tell you, WE ARE NOT DOING WITHOUT WEDNESDAY DONUTS EVER AGAIN.

So please use these job numbers for your 2015 timesheets and submit them either digitally or hand them to Gary (NOT Sylvia) by the end of the week.

Have a great break, guys!

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47339 - Head boppin'

05594 - Body rockin'

13781 - Doin' the do

03392 - Beer drinkin'

93738 - Breath stinkin'

99581 - Sniffin' glue

50254 - Belly flippin'

30339 - Always illing

86144 - Bustin' caps

39018 - My name is Mike D

92826 - and I write my own snaps

UAG

Mini Smecial Dream Entry

Andrew and I continue our oneiric conversation:

Not quite sure why all my dreams have terrible female singers in them.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Remove Mildew In Your Bathroom

Bathroom mildew occurs after extensive water use and dirt accumulation. Typical bathroom ventilation systems and access to fresh air is limited, so mildew is given an ideal environment to thrive. It ends up being one of the easiest stains to develop but also the hardest to clean. Here are a few easy-to-follow steps in ridding mildew stains in the bathroom:

The first thing that is necessary to ease the pressure involved in this labor intensive job is the soaking of the mildew. This is done by adding 2 teaspoons of baking soda to an empty spray bottle and then pouring half a cup of lime juice on it quickly. This alkaline and acidic combination will cause a foaming reaction inside of the spray bottle. You can now spray the contents of the spray bottle on every mildew build-up in the bathroom. It provides a soaking action that will cause the mildew to lift off the surface and make the areas a bit easier to clean. Leave the lime juice/baking soda concentrate on the penetrated areas for at least 15 minutes before the manual cleaning process begins.

After the soaking process has been completed, it is now time to put on the rubber gloves and use the lime/ baking soda solution bottle and fill it with water. Re-Spray all the spots that were sprayed before but this time with water.

Toothbrush bristles come in very handy to tackling all those hard to reach stains. Every so often, dip the cloth into the bucket of water, squeeze and then wipe down all the areas that have previously  been scrubbed. This will give you a chance to see all the progress you have made thus far, as well as provide additional incentive to keep on working hard. A metal scrubber can be used in extremely tough mildew areas.

And speaking of metal, some of the most polite, considerate fares I've driven in my limo were members of the heavy metal bands Anthrax and Megadeth. It's true! They're total gentlemen.

Stay safe, kids!

A Very Merry Christmas From EADJ

From all of us to all of you, peace on earth, motherfuckers.

And happy FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's A Pathmark For That

Shut your holes!

Hallmark Christmas Movie Quiz

Here's a fun little game: try to match each Hallmark Channel "Countdown to Christmas" movie to their synopsis. It's harder than it looks!

1) "Charming Christmas" starring Julie Benz, David Sutcliffe and Bruce Gray

2) "Christmas Land" starring Nikki Deloach, Luke MacFarlane and Maureen McCormick

3) "Christmas Incorporated" starring Shenae Grimes-Beech, Steve Lund and Jane Moffat

4) "I Spit On Your Grave 3: Vengeance Is Mine" starring Jennifer Landon, Doug McKeon and Gabriel Hogan

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a) After inheriting a Christmas tree farm, a woman's plans to sell it change when she falls in love with the townspeople and meets a charming lawyer named Tucker.

b) After being brutally raped, Jennifer Hills changes her name to Angela, moves to New York, and joins a support group and hopes for a new life. But when her new friend's murderer goes free, Jennifer will do whatever she can for vengeance.

c) When a young businesswoman plays Mrs Claus at her family's department store over Christmas, her life begins to take some unexpected turns.

d) A man inherits a company that has a toy factory in a small town, but the town needs the factory to stay open. He has to decide to keep or close the factory, and finds the meaning of Christmas (and love) along the way.

Answers someday!

UAG

Apple Box Was Shocked.

Apple Box was shocked.

Side of MacBook was nervous.

Baby Changing Station was scandalized.

Delivery Van Door felt nauseous.

Take A Number Box was nonplussed.

Traffic Lights and Sign wished they were somewhere else.

Train Bracket was Home Alone.

Purse was all :P

And Stairwell just made stupid faces.

Still More Puddles of New York City, Identified By Pantone Number

Pantone continues to document the peacock-like array of NYC puddles. In a few years, they plan to release a Pantone guide made up exclusively of the city's liquid excretions. Enjoy this New Year's Collection:

Can We Please Cut The Crap, Part II

Read this previous entry to see what the hell we're talking about.

"The Weak Can Never Forgive. Forgiveness is the Attribute of the Pathmark." -Gandhi

An Open Letter To "Nyosha G"

Dear Nyosha G,

Thank you so much for the wonderful package from Bedbathbeyond.com. Like your sticker on the side says, it was certainly packed with pride. I have never seen a showerhead so meticulously prepared for shipping the way you lovingly prepared its uncertain journey. You certainly take *PRIDE* in your job.

A couple of questions: That one loose sheet of paper among all the packing peanuts that had the hand-scrawled message "PLEASE HELP ME" in crayon. That was a joke, right, Nyosha? Thought so! Good one! LOL

Also, along the side of the box, there were some odd numbers that didn't match my tracking number. They looked like this:

6.1750° S, 106.8283° E

Now, my husband tells me that those are actually global coordinates to a small sweatshop in Jakarta, Indonesia, but he's an X-Files fan, and you can't trust him with his silly conspiracy theories!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to thank you for packing such a wonderful package, Nyosha G.  The showerhead will be a lovely present for my Aunt Hazel, and I'll be sure I'll tell her "hey" for you!

Take care, dear!

Chelsea D

Bangor, Maine

The ProofrEADJer, Mid-December Edition