Everybody knows that Hollywood is plum fresh out of new script ideas. Recently representatives from Sony Pictures, Legendary Pictures, DreamWorks and others showed up at a Union, NJ Pizza Hut to grab a menu and green-light the titles of the latest pizzas into feature film properties. Here now are some of their offerings, due for release in 2017 (all with strict Pizza Hut promotional tie-ins):
"Garden Party" starring John C. Reilly, Russell Brand, and Laura Prepon.
A down-on-his-luck landscaper (Reilly) is mistaken for a reclusive rock star (Brand) and becomes the latest YouTube sensation, scoring millions of hits for his ukulele covers of chart topping hits. Also starring Clark Duke as the major label intern who knows what's up.
"Old Fashioned Meatbrawl" starring Wesley Snipes, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Randy Couture and John Cena. Four badass Pizza Hut employees avenge their murdered manager and go on an ass-whipping, pie-topping rampage to find the killers. Alison Williams stars as Peter Pan Pizza.
"Pretzel Piggy" directed by Tim Burton, starring Adam Driver, Zoe Saldana, Minnie Driver and Bill Murray.
A stop-motion adventure starring a twisted pork flavored pretzel (Murray) his potato chip friends (the Drivers) and a sexy, salty cheese puff (Saldana). Soundtrack by (surprise!) JOHN WILLIAMS!
"Buffalo State Of Mind" starring Julianne Moore, John Hurt and Charlotte Rampling.
This very serious movie about a very adult subject captures the human spirit and the uplifting triumph of... well, whattaya know, an Oscar already!?
"Cock-A-Doodle Bacon" starring Julianne Moore, John Hurt and Charlotte Rampling.
This wacky crowd-pleaser is simply "Buffalo State Of Mind" re-edited with CG dicks and pieces of bacon, voiced by Patton Oswalt and Demetri Martin.
"7-Alarm Fire" starring Casey Affleck, Anthony Mackie and Amanda Seyfried.
A disaster movie set in the row-houses of Boston, this chronicles a young firefighter (Affleck) and how he overcomes racism to save a dozen neighborhoods. Special visual effects by Digital Domain.
"Sweet Sriracha Dynamite" starring Kevin James, Sofia Vergara, Andy Samberg and Rob Schneider. Directed by Adam McKay.
A bumbling suburban slob (James) switches bodies with a hot Latina supermodel and starts a grass-roots scholarship fund to send young but less fortunate hispanic women to college. Dynamite!
"Skinny With A Kick" starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Adrien Brody.
Think "Bloodsport" without muscles. Two skinny white men start a bare-knuckles fighting championship, but only a confused exchange student and two stray dogs join. Directed by "Corrina, Corrina" director Jessie Nelson.