Our Newest Segment: CSI: EADJ

Welcome to this blog's newest segment, CSI: EADJ, where we expertly piece together the story that clues lying around are trying to tell us using only our minimal crime solving training and limited imagination. All suspects are considered innocent until proven guilty... oh shit, wrong program.

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CASE 489562
Location: New York City

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CASE 489563

Location: New York City

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CASE 489564

Location: New York City

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CASE 489565
Location: New York City

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of August 29

Here is a cracker barrel-ful of unpopular, unused, underloved Twitter hash tags. Feel free to take pity on these sad fuckers and use in your tweets. Knock yourself silly.

#sexycloaca

#maurydignity

#affablefundamentalist

#corybookerismyfavoritecory

#coreyfeldmanmediaempire

#urinecocktail

#cantwaitfor2016election

#bicpeninrectum

#brandedentertainmentrocks

#hardyboysrapists

#ginghamstyle

#honeyboobooinspiration

#saladdressingonmymoles

#spanishcivilwar

#gregorianrap

#chewingthroughmygag

This Week On Lifetime's Original Series "Walkway To Parking," Starring Melissa Joan Hart

Things are ratcheted up a notch in Donna Park's (Melissa Joan Hart) world: rival bad-girl shopper Kate Don V (played by Kat Von D) discovers the secret walkway to parking and threatens to disclose its location on her podcast unless Park gives her all the Jamba Juice sandwich punch cards in her glove compartment. Add a mysterious fake rape whistle vendor, an imminent tornado, and a mild outbreak of meningitis and you've got yourself almost a full hour of nailbiting Lifetime-style drama. Brought to you with limited commercial interruption by Jamba Juice and the French.

Proof I Read Too Many Comic Books

Pictured below, some department store perfume that I briefly thought was Batman-scented.

Look At These Fucking Cakes

I at store. I see cakes. I make fun.

UAG

The ProofrEADJer, August Edition, Part II

Yard Waste Bin Was Happy

Yard Waste Bin was happy about something.

Microwave was unhappy about it.

Diaper Bins At Babies Я Us were unenthused about it.

Shopping carts were dispassionate about it.

Airplane Tray Table Latch liked it for evil reasons.

Dunkin Donuts Sign Base was appalled, however.

Wall Bracket was shocked.

Hot Dog Vendor Cooler was okay with it.

Diaper Genie Box was outraged. Outraged!

Building thought it was a big deal, too.

Parking Lot markings didn't give a shit.

Neither did Left Flip Flop.

Burger King Window Cling was all 'bleghhhh' about it.

Water Fountain smugly kept his opinion to himself.

Soda Bottle Crate was dismayed.

Luxury Toilet Paper Fixtures was angry about it.

Parking Meter thought it all was pretty cool.

You Can't Buy Taste.

I'm an avid SCRABBLE player on my phone. And not too long ago I got an alert that the "Avalon Luxury Kit," brought to you by the Toyota Avalon, was now available in the SCRABBLE store.

"Want to play in style?" Do I want to play a classic board game as if I were a trillionaire? And it's FREE FOR THREE MONTHS? I was curious to see how the 1% plays SCRABBLE differently than the rest of us plebes. So I installed it.

What the Rick Rockwell fart? It looks like someone replaced regular SCRABBLE tiles with chrome lettering hacked off a Ford Focus. And why are all the letters so horizontal? It looks like they're trying to luxuriously take a dump on the board. Which they should because it's a boring gray now with a horsey Toyota badge across the entire board.

I obviously turned that hideous shit off my game and went back to the Classic look. Then a few months later, I got this sad notice:

Aww, too bad. I missed out on the chance to customize my board to resemble a high-end hair salon from the 80s. Maybe I'll browse the SCRABBLE Store and customize my tiles to resemble illegible lettuce leaves, brought to you by Hidden Valley Ranch. 

The Next Ten Episodes Of CBS's "Under The Dome"

"Under The Dome" is a wildly successful dramatic series on CBS that depicts a town that suddenly has to deal with a giant inexplicable dome that appeared around it. The townfolk are forced apart from each other and have to take the entire premise seriously. Oh, and it's based on a novel by Stephen King if any of you think that would help.

EADJ got an exclusive sneak peek at the next ten episodes of "Under The Dome" and would like to share these mindblowing episode summaries with you [WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD]:

"Shovel"

Episode 1.2

Cassie, the waitress from the diner, gets a shovel and tries to dig her way down under the dome, only to find that the dome is actually a sphere.

"Gun"

Episode 1.3

Farmer Gillins takes his shotgun and tries to shoot a crack into the dome, but realizes all of his shotgun shells are ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOME.

"Stick/Branch"

Episode 1.4

Burt, the Boy Scout troop leader, uses a stick to find a seam in the dome. He dies horribly.

"Blowtorch"

Episode 1.5

Hughes, the mechanic at the service station, attempts to use a blowtorch to burn a hole into the dome. He only manages to get the dome material too hot to touch for fifteen minutes.

"Courteney Cox"

Episode 1.6

Special guest star Courteney Cox appears in the dome and suggests that they use a shovel, gun, stick or blowtorch to break the dome, only to be told that all of those things have already been tried. Also, since she is IN the dome, she is now a series regular rather than just a guest star.

"Sandpaper"

Episode 1.7

Some idiot tries to use sandpaper to sand their way out of the dome and wastes an hour of everyone's time.

"Loud Music"

Episode 1.8

Local record store owner Levi suggests that they try to blast their way out of the dome with really loud music, only to find that his record collection is mostly Andy Williams and mellow clarinetist Acker Bilk.

"Dome"
Episode 1.9
Science Teacher Mrs. Morgan comes up with the idea that the only thing that can break the dome is ANOTHER DOME. The townsfolk look everywhere for another dome to crack the original dome and actually FIND ONE, except that second dome is outside their dome, so they can't reach it to break their own.

"Skateboarders"
Episode 1.10
In the first season finale, some daring skateboarders volunteer to skate UP THE DOME to find an exit at the top. They actually don't find an opening but have a great time skating along the sides of the dome, much to the irritation of the more elderly townsfolk. Music by Pierce The Veil and Speaking The King's.

The ProofrEADJer, August Edition