Columbia Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Paramount, Universal and Disney Studios have gotten more desperate lately, mining the latest Maui Jim sunglasses brochure for movie property ideas. The following films are being developed as we speak:
"Lighthouse" starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Sanjay Gupta and Kevin Kline
This mature drama is about a frustrated writer (Gyllenhaal) who meets an older, mysterious gentleman who seems to not have any connections to the close-knit Connecticut town. Nothing ever happens in this movie except for long, lingering establishing shots of the goddamned lighthouse.
"Sugar Beach" starring Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve, Martin Short, and Robert Deniro
A confused pool boy (Baruchel) is caught in a bidding war between two rivaling neighbors (Short and Deniro) who happen to also be rival mob bosses. And in case you were wondering, yes, Alice Eve will be in a bikini.
"Backyards" featuring the voices of Janeane Garofalo, Jeremy Irons, Donald Glover and Aubrey Plaza
DreamWorks does it again in this computer-animated feature with a talking sprinkler (Garofalo), a sarcastic tool shed (Irons), an impulsive weed whacker (Glover) and a sullen wooden deck (Plaza). And look for the "Backyards" kids meals at Burger King!
"Banzai" starring Peter Weller
This expensive prequel to "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension" stars Peter Weller in unconvincing makeup to make himself look like the younger physicist/neurosurgeon/test pilot/rock musician. Special FX by ILM, Digital Domain and the JIm Henson Company.
"Breakwall" starring Mark Wahlberg, Benicio Del Toro, and Stacy Dash
Shit blows up real big with cars and guns and boom and tits. Soundtrack by Papa Roach. Directed by "Flight Of The Phoenix" director John Moore.
"Hot Sands" starring Olivia Wilde, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox and... SOLD!
"Sunset" starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.
This making of documentary goes behind the scenes of all 20 "Before Sunrise" films and recaptures every single moment of magic with the cast as it follows Ethan Hawke while he takes a shit and Julie Delpy as she blows her nose into a rag. Narrated by Richard Linklater.
"Kanaha" starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The Blue Man Group, and Tupac Shakur. This mystery project by Charlie Kaufman, Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry is weird. Indie weird. So weird that it's blowing up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn right now. So weird that the indie bands Phoenix, The National and Imagine Dragons have already devoted their next albums to it. KANAHA!
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