Friday, January 30, 2009

Today's Temperature: 33ºF



(Pictured above, a gentleman in New York prefers the à la carte approach to head coverings)

A Forbidden Entry


Two reasons why this entry is forbidden:

1) I took this photo in Pathmark after the security guard lady told me she'd kick me out if she caught me taking photos in there again.

2) EADJ retired this Curlz MT bit.

3) This entry sucks.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Everybody's Going Green


In response to new U.S. efforts to reshape energy habits, individuals around the world have pledged to be more environmentally conscious. Among these:


Bill O'Reilly has vowed to be half the overheated gasbag that he is.

Michael Knight will walk more.

Las Vegas has announced turning the lights off in casinos that aren't winning big.

Amy Winehouse has stopped using tampons altogether.

"Weird Al" Yankovic will switch to using biofuels, making him almost 30% less weird.

The 1954 Penguins song "Earth Angel" will be played in a loop on the loudspeaker at Nascar events.

Optimus Prime will transform into a truck only when absolutely necessary.

Pornstar Jenna Jameson will recycle more. No, that's not a dirty double entendre. She will actually separate her trash from her recyclables. You guys need to grow up.

Africa will use its light bulb less.

Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia will steal only earth-friendly material from other comedians.

Demolition derbies are now just guys in helmets shoving each other.

The Applebee's waitstaff will be way less enthusiastic about your birthday.

Fiji bottled water will continue to ship their overpriced water in huge plastic bottles across thousands of miles, but they will advertise more about how they've told their truck drivers not to use so many paper napkins during lunch breaks.

Kinko's is working on paperless ways to spectacularly fuck up your copies.

Douchebags on jet skis have offered to paddle more.

M. Night Shyamalan is working on a movie starring Mark Wahlberg that conveys a message about our impact on the planet, but in a thought-provoking, suspenseful, and altogether unforgettable way.

Taco Bell announced its new Recycled Cloth Soft Taco.

The AOL start page now reroutes visitors directly to porn sites.

Let's Ask the EADJ Mail Sack To Speak To Their Manager!

Submitted by Bill Dow: "Awesome."

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Riding Soon To the EADJ Crappinema: Jock of the Bushveldt



A period piece set in South Africa? Directed by Gray Hofmeyr? THE Gray Hofmeyr?! Sign me up!

What I Imagine To Be A Vicious Cycle


1) Buy expensive gas money

2) Fill up the generator to play piano

3) Play piano to buy gas money

Some Items At The Car Wash That I Thought Sounded Dirty





(Not pictured: Gear Shift Knob, Splashguard Trim, and Double Cup Holder)

And on a separate note, I found these decorative CDs you can hang on your rear view mirror, so people don't have to hang their regular CDs from their rear view mirror. Makes sense.



I was tempted to buy one of these and try to play it on a CD player. Much like my desire to buy some Rice Krispies Treats, disassemble them and eat them with milk.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Funniest Thing On TV This Week (And That Includes 2 and a Half Men)

Yesterday, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich skipped his impeachment trial in the Illinois Senate, opting instead to go to New York to appear on "Good Morning America," "Larry King Live," and "The View" to announce his innocence against allegations of corruption. Talk shows were very eager to have the embattled governor appear on their shows. Barbara Walters was in L.A. but didn't want to miss the opportunity to interview him herself, so the producers created a set up so that she could conduct a "face to face" interview via satellite. It looked like this:



So let me get this straight. Rod Blagojevich disses the members of the Illinois Senate reviewing FBI wiretaps from an ongoing criminal investigation of him so that he could be interviewed by a plasma TV behind a plant? HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HHHAHAHAH HA HAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHA HAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HHAHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAHAHHA HAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHHHHHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHHHHA HAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHHHH

AHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAHAH HAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH

(takes drink of water)

Mmmm. HAHAHHAHAHH HAHAH HAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH

HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHHHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHH AHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHHHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH HAHAHHAHAHH AHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAH

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: My Boys Are Good Boys


My Boys Are Good Boys tells the tale of a group of teenage delinquents who sneak out of prison to pull off an armored car heist. The movie explores universal themes like relationships and spraying cops with homemade sedative devices that dispense stolen medical anesthesia. The kids eventually don't get away with the crime, so it's a cautionary tale about civic responsibility and the fleeting nature of friendship. If they had gotten away with it, it would have been a high-spirited romp about teamwork and the eternal bonds of friendship.











The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Mrs. Morton: Did you hear what Priscilla said? She's getting straight A's in chemistry.

Bert Morton: mumble

Mrs. Morton: Is that all you have to say?

Bert Morton: Very nice, Priscilla.

Cassie: Thank you, Mr. Morton.

Mrs. Morton: Bert, you make me so angry. You don't care about anybody but yourself.

Bert Morton: I said very nice. Enough.

Mrs. Morton: It's a whole lot better than that son of yours ever did.

Bert Morton: Tommy is your son too, Bess. If you spent at least the amount of time as you did with her, he'd be okay.

Cassie: Excuse me, but I'll jump out here. I have to meet my mother at the shopping center.

Mrs. Morton: Goodbye darling.











The girl playing Cassie pours all of her acting training behind the simple line "Hurry, someone's coming" in a way so memorable as to earn her:


Click on the video to play:

video
(For the number one Greatest Performance of All Time, click here)

























The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:


Open on Mrs. Morton in the bedroom reading.

Bert Morton enters the room, looking crestfallen. He holds a bottle of beer in his hand. Mrs. Morton looks up from her book.



Mrs. Morton: Well, you finally did it, you idiot. You're spread all over the front page!






Bert Morton: (tiredly) I have taken all I can take for one day. (takes swig of beer)





Mrs. Morton: You've had all you can take.

She stands up.

Mrs. Morton: Why can't you think of me sometimes? The phone's been ringing off the hook!
Bert finally makes eye contact with her.

Bert Morton: Stop it, Bess.







Mrs. Morton: Don't you dare interrupt me when I'm speaking! I've given you the very best years of my life, and I won't be treated this way!





Bert Morton: Can it!








Mrs. Morton: What did you say?!








Bert slams his beer down on a table.

Bert Morton: Can it! CAN IT! CAAAAN IT!



Exeunt