In response to new U.S. efforts to reshape energy habits, individuals around the world have pledged to be more environmentally conscious. Among these:
Bill O'Reilly has vowed to be half the overheated gasbag that he is.
Michael Knight will walk more.
Las Vegas has announced turning the lights off in casinos that aren't winning big.
Amy Winehouse has stopped using tampons altogether.
"Weird Al" Yankovic will switch to using biofuels, making him almost 30% less weird.
The 1954 Penguins song "Earth Angel" will be played in a loop on the loudspeaker at Nascar events.
Optimus Prime will transform into a truck only when absolutely necessary.
Pornstar Jenna Jameson will recycle more. No, that's not a dirty double entendre. She will actually separate her trash from her recyclables. You guys need to grow up.
Africa will use its light bulb less.
Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia will steal only earth-friendly material from other comedians.
Demolition derbies are now just guys in helmets shoving each other.
The Applebee's waitstaff will be way less enthusiastic about your birthday.
Fiji bottled water will continue to ship their overpriced water in huge plastic bottles across thousands of miles, but they will advertise more about how they've told their truck drivers not to use so many paper napkins during lunch breaks.
Kinko's is working on paperless ways to spectacularly fuck up your copies.
Douchebags on jet skis have offered to paddle more.
M. Night Shyamalan is working on a movie starring Mark Wahlberg that conveys a message about our impact on the planet, but in a thought-provoking, suspenseful, and altogether unforgettable way.
Taco Bell announced its new Recycled Cloth Soft Taco.
The AOL start page now reroutes visitors directly to porn sites.
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