It's the Off Brand T.P. Roundup!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Eat A Dick Joel, in partnership with ABC's Nightline, is proud to present this segment on lesser-known brands of toilet paper that we've found in bars, restaurants and massage parlors. Generic bathroom tissue has literally been sampled around the world for this exclusive entry, and we hope you can learn something from this special report.


Brand: Maverick 1 Ply (!) Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A horse rampant near a mountain range.
Brand Promise: Adventure and excitement of the great outdoors.
Brand Reality: The name "Maverick" promises a rough and rugged, relentless pounding between the legs as you ride into the sunset.


Brand: Classique
Brand Imagery: A "classy" typeface and some swash decorations.
Brand Promise: A touch of class.
Brand Reality: Possible pink spots from a chafed anus.


Brand: Reliance
Brand Imagery: Ornate floral pattern.
Brand Promise: Go-to reliability and comfort.
Brand Reality: 50/50 chance of getting poop on your manicure.


Brand: Kleenex (Exported to New Zealand) with "luxury embossing"
Brand Imagery: Kleenex logo and a butterfly.
Brand Promise: All the luxury and comfort that you've come to love from the American brand.
Brand Reality: We save the good stuff for the fatasses at home.


Brand: Candlewood Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A silhouetted tree on a green-to-mauve gradient.
Brand Promise: Aromatic, natural spa-level comfort.
Brand Reality: Feels like you're trying on a thong made from fiberglass insulation.


Brand: Captiva Plush 1-Ply Soft Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: A bizarre tornado-looking thing with bubbles.
Brand Promise: A fascinating whirlwind of softness.
Brand Reality: A tasmanian devil clawing and screaming at your cornhole.


Brand: Everest
Brand Imagery: Mount Everest.
Brand Promise: A refreshing, cool adventure for the senses.
Brand Reality: Actually, a pretty good flag to mark your accomplishments.

A new beginning for Joel.

2007 promises to bring new hope and dick to Joel. He has resolved to make a new start and has already quit his job as a CompUSA greeter. He will now devote more time to writing screenplays for Tatum O' Neal's new series "Wicked Wicked Games." To show their faith in the project, the studio MyNetworkTV has even purchased an additional one episodes! Way to go, dick eater!


Joel has also reportedly lost more weight. He is now a healthy 130 lbs, although his liver only works intermittently now. Atkins-tastic!

(pictured at the top: kitchen renovations on 24 force a Trekkie –Trekker, whatever– to forlornly stroke his Tribble mouse cover)