The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Intimate Agony

Oh dear. Watching this was brutal. Think all the excitement of reading a clinic herpes brochure, but with the star power of Luke from General Hospital and Robert Vaughn. I guess some ABC executives were required by law to broadcast information about the rising genital-herpes spread by the CDC, and they decided to "sweeten" the message by turning it into a feature movie. Genius!

But at least I guess this movie has an important message behind all the glamour and exciting set pieces: once you've been visited by Uncle Herp, he'll always swing by unannounced to infect your crotch with lap pepperoni. Serious stuff.








The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Doctor: You're still contagious. No sexual contact with anyone til it's cleared up.

Ned: Isn't there a chance... I could have picked it up any other way?

Doctor: I'm afraid not. You married?

Ned: No, no. I'm single.

Doctor nods and frowns.

END SCENE TO BREAK AWAY TO ENJOLI, CHARLIE AND BIJAN FRAGRANCE COMMERCIALS



The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Dr. Richards: I asked her to leave because what we have to talk about is strictly confidential. I won't tell anybody. You're my patient–I respect your right to privacy, same as everyone else. What you have is genital-herpes. There's no cure yet, but it's controllable, and with understanding you can lead a perfectly normal life.


Katie: There's no cure?

Dr. Richards: It's a virus, Katie. The symptoms go away, but the bug sort of hides in an area near your spine called the sacral ganglia. Sometimes it flares up again. We don't know exactly why.



Katie: You mean It's gonna happen over and over?

Dr. Richards: Not necessarily.







Katie: I heard you can get cancer.

Dr. Richards: Your chances of getting cervical cancer go up. So it's important that you get frequent pap smears.




(music)
Dr. Richards: You might feel... frightened, guilty, even embarrassed. Katie, I can treat the disease. I don't know that I can help you with those other feelings, but I'd like to try. But I can tell you this: they are far more dangerous than the virus.

Katie: Can I go?

Dr. Richards: Will you come back so we can talk?

Katie: I gotta go.

exeunt



















The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Dr. Chambers: Okay Tommy, lecture time...Tommy, there are 2 types of herpes virus. Type 1 is common. Like a cold sore or fever blister. Type 2 is what you got. Genital-herpes. I can't cure it, Tommy. I can only treat the symptoms and give you the facts.


Tommy: Well, I don't LIKE the FACTS!


Dr. Chambers: The facts don't care! You got herpes! That means you have to tell the women you're going to have sex with BEFORE you go to bed with them that if you have an outbreak, they'll probably get it.



Tommy: Great. How am I supposed to know when I'm contagious?







Dr. Chambers: Okay the active period is called viral shedding. You're contagious from just before that during a period called the prograll, when you have a tingling or burning sensation. Then in a couple of days the area becomes inflamed. Blisters form, rupture, dry out. And then you wait until the lesions are completely healed.


















So overall, Intimate Agony was marginally more enjoyable than actually contracting genital-herpes. Certainly more cinematic an effort than Chlamydia-Bake! and On Burning, Golden Pond.

Should I STA or should I go

Pictured above, a photo from a few months ago of a business which finally gives Hobbit Travel a run for its money for Worst-Named Travel Agency.

Let's interview the owners today to see what were they THINKING? hahahaha



...Oh.

An Open Letter

Dear Billy Mays,

Hi, how are you? I am fine. You've never met me, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm kind of concerned for you. Based on your commercials and Home Shopping Network appearances, it seems to me that you might be going deaf.

Some friends of mine say you probably aren't losing your hearing. Your job, they say, requires that you be very vocal about whatever you sell, and being super-loud– to the point of giving people conniptions– is considered an asset, whether you're hocking OxiClean, Orange Glo, or some other unremarkable home-based cleaning product.

But I disagree with them. I don't believe that merchandise like the Lint-B-Gone Lint Brush, the Gopher Reaching Tool, and the AwesomeAuger Ground Auger, Weed Auger, and Power Extender Gardening Tools warrant the kind of thunderous shouting usually reserved for protesters at an abortion clinic. Sure, maybe the occasional "revolutionary breakthroughs" like Mighty Putty or Vidalia Slice Wizard do call for extra enthusiasm, but you seem to be stuck on full blast, giving the same bowels-releasing bellowing for the mediocre Handy Switch Remote Light Switches as you do the far-superior Steam Buddy Wrinkle Remover/Creaser.

So that is why I'm convinced you're suffering from tinnitus or some sort of middle ear hearing loss. In 1972 the U.S. EPA told Congress that at least 34 million people were exposed to sound levels on a daily basis that are likely to lead to significant hearing loss. And if you're screaming your goddamned head off like someone dropped a cinder block on your nuts all the time, Billy Mays, I can see why you might be getting a bit tin-eared.

But whether or not you're suffering from some aural malfunction, you're in danger of becoming a one-note singer, Billy. It defuses your credibility to be carrying on like a howler monkey during climax. Show some range, some restraint, so that we can tell if the Samurai Shark Knife Sharpener requires more or less attention than the E-Z Fly Yard Detector.

Or better yet, why don't you just keep on yelling like you are until you lose your voice forever. That'll do, too.

Best,
Eat A Dick Joel

What Matt Thinks 2: Matt Harder

Matt is speechless. Perhaps because he is in love, no?

Boooo, Bravo!

I know I'm probably not the target audience, but Bravo is becoming a factory for reality sludge. The Millionaire Matchmaker is the latest vapid crapfest featuring orange middle-aged attention whores with nothing to say, joining Real Housewives of Orange County, Workout, Make Me a Supermodel, Project Runway, Top Chef, Tim Gunn's Guide To Style, Queer Eye, and Hey Paula. I can't even remember what Bravo did before reality shows, but I'm sure it didn't make me want to dropkick infants the way these shows do.

Bravo was on my remote's "Favorites," for J'Net, but I'm not so sure now. Deleted.

Gee, Thanks.

Man, gotta love Amazon's Pre-Order Price Guarantee.

Let's Make An Illegal Copy of the EADJ Mail Sack and Sell It On the Street!

(a helpful hint submitted by my brother Jay, who's an engineer for Ford: that little arrow next to the gas tank icon on your dashboard points to which side your gas tank is on!)

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight: Basit Hound

From a "Basset Hound Puppies" page, a comment by "Blakefe," who hails directly from the pages of "Of Mice And Men:"

i just showed this to my mom she love her basit we call him ralph ever cence we got him dad has give him all the nick names he gave me and mom gets us all mixed up when she calls for one of us like she would whant me but she would call ralp or george(dad) and then say i mean blake or in any other order