The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Intimate Agony

Oh dear. Watching this was brutal. Think all the excitement of reading a clinic herpes brochure, but with the star power of Luke from General Hospital and Robert Vaughn. I guess some ABC executives were required by law to broadcast information about the rising genital-herpes spread by the CDC, and they decided to "sweeten" the message by turning it into a feature movie. Genius!

But at least I guess this movie has an important message behind all the glamour and exciting set pieces: once you've been visited by Uncle Herp, he'll always swing by unannounced to infect your crotch with lap pepperoni. Serious stuff.








The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Doctor: You're still contagious. No sexual contact with anyone til it's cleared up.

Ned: Isn't there a chance... I could have picked it up any other way?

Doctor: I'm afraid not. You married?

Ned: No, no. I'm single.

Doctor nods and frowns.

END SCENE TO BREAK AWAY TO ENJOLI, CHARLIE AND BIJAN FRAGRANCE COMMERCIALS



The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Dr. Richards: I asked her to leave because what we have to talk about is strictly confidential. I won't tell anybody. You're my patient–I respect your right to privacy, same as everyone else. What you have is genital-herpes. There's no cure yet, but it's controllable, and with understanding you can lead a perfectly normal life.


Katie: There's no cure?

Dr. Richards: It's a virus, Katie. The symptoms go away, but the bug sort of hides in an area near your spine called the sacral ganglia. Sometimes it flares up again. We don't know exactly why.



Katie: You mean It's gonna happen over and over?

Dr. Richards: Not necessarily.







Katie: I heard you can get cancer.

Dr. Richards: Your chances of getting cervical cancer go up. So it's important that you get frequent pap smears.




(music)
Dr. Richards: You might feel... frightened, guilty, even embarrassed. Katie, I can treat the disease. I don't know that I can help you with those other feelings, but I'd like to try. But I can tell you this: they are far more dangerous than the virus.

Katie: Can I go?

Dr. Richards: Will you come back so we can talk?

Katie: I gotta go.

exeunt



















The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Dr. Chambers: Okay Tommy, lecture time...Tommy, there are 2 types of herpes virus. Type 1 is common. Like a cold sore or fever blister. Type 2 is what you got. Genital-herpes. I can't cure it, Tommy. I can only treat the symptoms and give you the facts.


Tommy: Well, I don't LIKE the FACTS!


Dr. Chambers: The facts don't care! You got herpes! That means you have to tell the women you're going to have sex with BEFORE you go to bed with them that if you have an outbreak, they'll probably get it.



Tommy: Great. How am I supposed to know when I'm contagious?







Dr. Chambers: Okay the active period is called viral shedding. You're contagious from just before that during a period called the prograll, when you have a tingling or burning sensation. Then in a couple of days the area becomes inflamed. Blisters form, rupture, dry out. And then you wait until the lesions are completely healed.


















So overall, Intimate Agony was marginally more enjoyable than actually contracting genital-herpes. Certainly more cinematic an effort than Chlamydia-Bake! and On Burning, Golden Pond.