So there's this Cockapoo named Chulo missing. And apparently the dog can write in the first person. This is surprising because collies and terriers were always thought to be more intelligent than cocker spaniels or medium-sized poodles. Also, dachsunds are whores.
Chulo also seems to know New York streets pretty well but won't disclose where he is right now. For such an intelligent animal, this seems unlikely. What's more likely is that Chulo had a disagreement with Marco and ran away at the first opportunity. You can pretty much read in the passive-aggressive subtext of the flyer that Chulo and Marco had a strained relationship. "I kept running from my owner?"
The truth is, Marco and Chulo fought constantly. Marco was always staying at work late without calling, and Chulo kept pooping in Marco's Manolo Blahnik shoes. And when they actually did spend "quality time" together on walks, Marco would always be talking with Rita on his Bluetooth, forcing Chulo to endure long, pointless conversations about how Nina Garcia is a way better judge on "Project Runway" than Michael Kors ever could be, that bitch, blah blah blah.
So when Marco would let him run leashless, Chulo started devising an escape plan. He tested the boundaries of how fast he could run, how far. He learned that the Lexington Avenue subway stop was mere blocks away, that all he needed was to scrape two dollars fare together, hide it in his collar, then make a run for it next Monday.
UPDATE: Marco has gotten many tips about Chulo's whereabouts, but none of them have been fruitful yet. So the reward money is up for grabs. He did, however, receive this photo sent in an envelope postmarked "Tahiti:"
The dog in the photo does resemble a cockapoo. And news agencies have identified his companion as Tianna, the famous angora rabbit, by her extremely furry paws.
What do you think of that, Pewter Bear?
Always the voice of reason, Pewter Bear. Always the pussy-assed fucking miserable dicknoggined shitwiped voice of reason. We haven't missed you.
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