An Open Letter

Dear Billy Mays,

Hi, how are you? I am fine. You've never met me, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm kind of concerned for you. Based on your commercials and Home Shopping Network appearances, it seems to me that you might be going deaf.

Some friends of mine say you probably aren't losing your hearing. Your job, they say, requires that you be very vocal about whatever you sell, and being super-loud– to the point of giving people conniptions– is considered an asset, whether you're hocking OxiClean, Orange Glo, or some other unremarkable home-based cleaning product.

But I disagree with them. I don't believe that merchandise like the Lint-B-Gone Lint Brush, the Gopher Reaching Tool, and the AwesomeAuger Ground Auger, Weed Auger, and Power Extender Gardening Tools warrant the kind of thunderous shouting usually reserved for protesters at an abortion clinic. Sure, maybe the occasional "revolutionary breakthroughs" like Mighty Putty or Vidalia Slice Wizard do call for extra enthusiasm, but you seem to be stuck on full blast, giving the same bowels-releasing bellowing for the mediocre Handy Switch Remote Light Switches as you do the far-superior Steam Buddy Wrinkle Remover/Creaser.

So that is why I'm convinced you're suffering from tinnitus or some sort of middle ear hearing loss. In 1972 the U.S. EPA told Congress that at least 34 million people were exposed to sound levels on a daily basis that are likely to lead to significant hearing loss. And if you're screaming your goddamned head off like someone dropped a cinder block on your nuts all the time, Billy Mays, I can see why you might be getting a bit tin-eared.

But whether or not you're suffering from some aural malfunction, you're in danger of becoming a one-note singer, Billy. It defuses your credibility to be carrying on like a howler monkey during climax. Show some range, some restraint, so that we can tell if the Samurai Shark Knife Sharpener requires more or less attention than the E-Z Fly Yard Detector.

Or better yet, why don't you just keep on yelling like you are until you lose your voice forever. That'll do, too.

Best,
Eat A Dick Joel