Returning to form, Joel racked up a staggering 4,530 dicks in one day today, chowing down such a copious amount of dick that it affected the tides.
Joel put on his dick-eating bib at 5am this morning, tore out of his one bedroom flat and gave a shrill war cry/mating call that rivaled the howls of a hyena giving ectopic birth. The amount of eaten dick lying in his wake on La Cienega Ave made it look like an aircraft carrier full of dicks collided with a dirigible full of dicks over a supercollider full of dicks on the lip of a volcano erupting with dicks.
Joel has now joined the leaderboard of dick eaters for today's round, bumping Phil Mickelson and Vijay Singh from the 3rd and 4th place slots, and finishing 4 strokes ahead of Sabbatini.
By 4pm, Joel had blazed through so much dick that he had to pause briefly to build a scrapbook about the morning to document the achievement. He stopped by JoAnn Fabrics to get glitter yarn, puffy stickers, and dick-shaped stencils to build the 28 pages of dick-eating memories. Also googly eyes.
(pictured above, ESPN makes a racist Wesley Snipes joke)
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