UAG

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, Crusader crew! Good work getting us through tech rehearsal today! We've blocked everything out, made proper adjustments to costume and backdrops, and have printed all the programs and tickets. Looks like we're ready to rock a Sunday premiere! Does anyone have any questions before we wrap it up for the night?"

*raises hand*

"Yes? Vance?"

"Don, is it a good idea to do this in the middle of a WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC?"

"Is what a good idea?"

"Is putting on a big expensive production with dozens of cast members and crew in a theatre full of hundreds of people a good idea in the middle of the Covid shutdown?"

"Well, we did budget for it last year."

"Yeah, but we didn't anticipate a full shutdown of society to prevent the spread of a deadly, untreatable disease whose method of transmission we don't even fully understand yet."

"Like I said, we did budget for it last year."

Burning Questions For the Lady in the "Find a Soulmate From Philippines" Banner Ad

1) Are you okay?

2) No, seriously, you look very uncomfortable sitting like that.

3) Does it hurt to sit square on that chair? Do you have hemorrhoids? 

4) Perhaps the chair itself is too hard. Do you need a cushion or one of those inflatable donuts?

5) You seem like you're waiting for someone. Perhaps your proctologist?

6) If you're not waiting for someone else, would it be okay if I took that extra chair? Thanks.

EADJ Doordasher Photography Critique

Note: This is more an Amazon photography critique than a DoorDash one.

"Socks Delivery" by Randall at Amazon

Finally, a delivery driver with an eye for composition! This stunning entry puts less focus on the delivered package, opening the visual field to let the eye take in more of the surroundings.

And what surroundings it is! The sharp lower angle allows the spindles of the front steps bannister to frame the package, and the vanishing point lines are supplemented with the greenery and the dappled shadows.

Overall grade: A++++

Well done, Randall. I hope the socks fit!

Old Fashioned Sugar Cookies

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: End of February Edition

Paper Towel Dispenser Was Confused

Paper Towel Dispenser was confused.

Sewer Grate and Lids was skeptical.

Utility Pole was amused.

Storage Door Handle was outraged.

Meanwhile, Recycle Bin drunkenly sang on the side of the road. 

Updated Lineup For the Upcoming VidCon 2025 in Minneapolis

Get your tickets for VidCon 2025 so you can catch all these internet-famous social luminaries and podcasters:

• Manosphere dipshit Kevin Markus will explain the link between letting women vote and inflation

• Knot tying instructor Veemee Shithouse will tie a perfect square knot using only his balls

• Sayso Megguneh, the ukulele Slipknot cover artist, will be busking in the parking lot

• Free tasting of Amouranth's new vodka brand HAMMERANTH

• Rick Astley will appear in random bathroom stalls to Rickroll attendees

• Special Hall D panel: "What Were Blogs?"

So, This Was Stupid.

I received an email from my local YMCA about registering my kids for Youth Sports: 

The problem was, there was neither an active hyperlink within the image on the email when you click on REGISTER NOW, nor was there a text link anywhere. Just a dumb QR code which you couldn't click on. And this shit was on my phone, so I couldn't SCAN the QR CODE. And then when I googled "South Mountain YMCA SMY YOUTH SPORTS REGISTER" nothing came up.

So guess what I did. I PRINTED this stupid email out and then SCANNED the QR CODE. What stupid grandfather roundabout bullshit is this? Jesus. Well, long story short, my boys are now signed up for 8 weeks of badminton this summer. Kidding.

Happy Valentine's Day From EADJ

Appreciate your sweetheart tonight. Enjoy a romantic dinner. Eat each other out.

EADJ Presents: Where Are They Now?

After releasing his own solo album, session musician Berry Clouds retired from music and now runs a dry cleaning business out of his 8 bedroom home with his 3 wives and 16 children.

Stunt performer and martial arts master Gochujang Mang is currently touring with his dojo on a speaking tour, motivating high schoolers to get more involved in their community and to spread the gospel of fitness. His name has become a war cry of teen positivity. Gochujang Mang!

Disgraced magicians Piso Mojado and Sol Humide are planning a comeback tour, starting in the Denver, Colorado bar circuit. So far they've sold out 3 taverns and one cocktail lounge with their witty and ribald card tricks. Mojado still must report to his parole officer on a regular basis.

Crime boss S'mores McFlurry is still missing after breaking out of a minimum security prison in Nouvelle-Aquitaine in southwestern France. Authorities say he could be anywhere from Portugal to Fiji and urge anyone to report a kindly old Irishman with a raging six pack.

Spotted in Target

These two subjects hold the same prominence in my brain, too.

Hooray! Let's Say Goodbye To Everything Advertisers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Episode Summaries For Last Week's FBI Shows on CBS

 FBI

Carol and Donovan lead a task force to monitor if Dollar General is stealing trade secrets from Dollar Tree. Sergeant Valco uses his EMT training to revive a fainting clown. A power outage and strange circumstances bring rookie Marco face to face with rocker Billy Squier.

FBI International

Debbie coordinates with Interpol to shut down a ring of pirated Labubu suppliers. Bianca and Giovanni infiltrate a terrorist cell operating out of the east clock of Big Ben. A UN representative negotiates a hostage transfer between a North Korean ambassador and Burwell.

FBI: Most Wanted

Cody uncovers an illegal casino in a grain silo. Smacky falls asleep during a stake out. Captain Guiterrez fires his nanny after the meatball incident.

UAG

"Pathmark is the Thing with Feathers that Perches in the Soul and Sings the Tune Without the Words and Never Stops At All."

The NEWEST Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

If you've been thinking of joining AMC's Stubs Rewards program, you've picked the perfect time, because AMC Theatres have announced a whole slew of new benefits for new members. Here are some of them:

• Free pinto bean topping with every popcorn purchase

• Free snazzy AMC vest so you can fool people into thinking you work here.

• If one of your limbs has recently been amputated, you can show your stub instead of your Stubs card.

• Midnight screening of the 1992 film "Glengarry Glen Ross" (NO AUDIO)

• If requested, an usher will sit next to you and cover your ears whenever an objectionable word is said.

• We can get you Maria Menounos's home phone number if you ask nicely.

Old Fashioned Sugar Cookies

Spotted on a Tesla in Maplewood

The fallout from Elon Musk's Nazi billionaire douchebaggery continues: