EADJ Presents: Where Are They Now?

After releasing his own solo album, session musician Berry Clouds retired from music and now runs a dry cleaning business out of his 8 bedroom home with his 3 wives and 16 children.

Stunt performer and martial arts master Gochujang Mang is currently touring with his dojo on a speaking tour, motivating high schoolers to get more involved in their community and to spread the gospel of fitness. His name has become a war cry of teen positivity. Gochujang Mang!

Disgraced magicians Piso Mojado and Sol Humide are planning a comeback tour, starting in the Denver, Colorado bar circuit. So far they've sold out 3 taverns and one cocktail lounge with their witty and ribald card tricks. Mojado still must report to his parole officer on a regular basis.

Crime boss S'mores McFlurry is still missing after breaking out of a minimum security prison in Nouvelle-Aquitaine in southwestern France. Authorities say he could be anywhere from Portugal to Fiji and urge anyone to report a kindly old Irishman with a raging six pack.

TGI Friday's Continues Its Proud Tradition of Random Shit On the Wall

I spotted a wall in TGI Friday's in the Pittsburgh airport (don't ask) with possibly the most random shit I'd seen since the famed Cavalcade of Crap at Unnamed Organization in Chicago.


Here is a breakdown of the items, each with a numbered value of randomness on a scale from 1 to 10:

Never has dick been eaten so Joelly.

Joel was nice enough to lend us a notebook with some screenplays he was working on. The following excerpts are from a recent foray into science fiction:

The year is 2056. Fashionistas have taken over the government. Police in wool pleated cuff trousers and very smart maroon jackets with darts along the sides are rounding up all the unfashionable and shipping them to work camps and sweat shops. Vigilante supermodels, led by Vigilanté, are destroying all food supplies to make the world "slimmer so clothing can hang from them more flatteringly." One chubby man in sweatpants and a Nascar t-shirt hides in a bunker, biding his time...

A crack team of renegade commandos from the future go back in time to present day. Their mission– to warn the world about an upcoming onslaught of cataclysmic proportions. But due to limitations in their technology, they can only warn people through the only means available– through thank you messages embedded in Applebee's dining receipts.

It is a time of great peril. The Earth has been overrun by flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles. Not that the flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles are of any immediate threat– they're just so darn many of them that it's choking the intakes of every hoverplane in the atmosphere, causing crashes everywhere. And the main problem being that the pilots have milliseconds to warn their co-pilots, "Look out for those flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles!"

April 14, 3049: Pizza Hut has successfully vanquished the pagan hordes of Domino's Pizza. Piles of corpses of Domino's delivery men rot before the supreme Red Roof, their Ford Festivas rusting in the uncaring sun. Huge Noid statues topple as the triumphant Hut-men hand-toss their new Blood-of-the-Conquered-Lover's Pizza. Crazy garlic bread sticks are dipped in cavatini-red blood in the parking lot as a lascivious feast for those who have prevailed...

An alternate universe: women have finally become equal to men. They, uh, make as much money as men ha ha ha and they ha ha ha even hold ha ha ha the same positions in government ha ha ha and in business HA HA HA HA ha ha HA HA HA. It's a comedy!

(pictured above, remnants from a bloody Donkey Kong gang war on Damen Avenue)