More Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande is a worldwide, ubiquitous phenomenon, but she also likes to present herself as a bashful, wide-eyed bundle of dimples and adorability. With all due respect to the Grammy-winning pop singer, EADJ would like to suggest a few more things that are undeniably cuter than her:

• Dollhouse toilets

• Hedgehog paws

• Little boys named "Malcolm"

• When a dog wags its tail so much his whole ass moves

• Billie Eilish shrugging

• When a rookie cardiologist doesn't clear when someone with the paddles yells "Clear!"

• Taffeta

• When your dad borrows his wife's sweatpants and has "JUICY" on his butt

• Sally Field at any age

• Anthropomorphic bowling pins

• Anyone Western trying to pronounce "Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan"

• The Noid from the old Domino's Pizza commercials

Pathmark Your Calendars

This one appears to have been a bad moms' party in the baby aisle:

UAG

EADJ Checks In On You

No, this isn't a special occasion or holiday. There's no EADJ anniversary or even important announcement. We're just checking on you, making sure everything's all right on your end.

Are you good? Do you need anything? You seem a little quiet lately. Maybe you've just been busy with work or school or your marriage. Just wanted to let you know that we've noticed and we're over here in case you ever need us. No pressure.

You short on money? We can spot you a little. Not a lot, but whatever you need till the end of the month.

That's it. You keep doing you, and we'll check in on you later. Your hair looks great, by the way.

NEW: More Secret Perks of the AMC Stubs Card

Membership to the AMC Stubs Rewards program has its privileges. Here are just a few of the latest new benefits you can have by signing up now:

• We'll bail you out if you ever get arrested. No judgements, no questions asked, m'man.

• Secret handshake with a black member of our staff

• Fine. We will validate your stupid parking

• You can come up to our projection booth and blow Terry

• Free Dustbuster to suck up free candy from the seats

• We will tattoo the title of your favorite Jessica Tandy movie on your chest

• If you fall asleep at any time, we will rewind the movie for you and tell anyone that complains to fuck off

• Knife hands. Yeah, you heard right.

• If you are in an AMC prison, free conjugal visits every month

• We will force the Pokémon Company in Japan to name one after you

Let's Make Fun of CVS Products

I don't know if this is a new segment or not. I haven't decided. Whatever.

The implication is clear here: Buy a rollator, get laid.

Her new boyfriend ghosted her in the park, and Kathy began to regret using the N-word during their first date.

Face it. There's no casual way to pull of the cervical collar look.

UAG

I Knew You Were Pathmark When You Walked In

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Face it. Your acting career isn't taking off the way you imagined after moving to LA. You've been passed over for that tomato soup commercial that would've really put you on the map. So now what? How about getting into porn? You can land a pornstar job anywhere in the Valley within 15 minutes. Alls you need now is a pornstar name. Here are a few aliases that are available, but only because they're terrible. So help yourself (and then help yourself):

HER:

Unmitigata Gall

Halley Tosis

Helvetica Wide

Anal Adams

Hannah Lay

Maga Dipshit

HIM:

Partisan Gerrymandering

Brock Holeson

Pervert Hoover

Skeevie Ray Vaughn

Abdulling Banjos

Locke Herrupp

And Now, Uncle Roberto On How His EADJ Segment Is Different From "Ask A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs"

A few EADJ readers have brought up the comment that my advice segment is noticeably similar to the more recent one where a man attempts to answer questions but is stifled by a woman squeezing his head between her thighs. I personally don't see it, but here's what we know after careful consideration:

 • Both segments begin with answering a question about how to do something or what something is

• Both tend to veer off subject for cheap laughs

• The Uncle Roberto segment almost always completes the answer in full, whereas the other one never does

• There is nothing overtly sexual about the Uncle Roberto segment

• Uncle Roberto's photo was taken off a real limo driver's business card. The main photo for the other segment is a screenshot from the SheWrestles.com fetish site.

And speaking of "veering off", one time I was driving to a ski chalet in Telluride, and the road got so slippery, I almost hit a full grown moose! Stay safe, kids.

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain How This EADJ Segment Is Different From Vince's "Uncle Roberto" Segment

"Well, that's a very... *gah* good question. Uh, ouch... At first gla... *chokes*... glance, it does appear that both... guh... segments are 'how to' or advice columns that... *AGGH* ouchouchouchouchouch... deviate from what they're supposed to say for comedic effe... *ack* WAIT.... WAITAMINUTE... effect. But if you look dee... *gag*... if you look dee... *passes out, slips into coma*

Design Takeaways From The Mural Above The Beverage Section At the Shell Station 463 in Union, NJ

1) Cars and drinks don't mix, especially if it's alcohol

2) You shouldn't stretch a photo of a car horizontally any more than 300%

3) The letters of script typefaces (in this case, Bitstream's Brush Script) were meant to touch to emulate handwriting

4) Avoid unnecessary drop shadows when possible

5) Make your mural worthy of spotlights!

Overall design grade: F

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of July Edition

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Due to contract changes etc., the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Hulu this week:

• Who Moved That?

• Karaoke Background Video Montage

• Smell This Hacky Sack

• A Bunch of Fat People Pretending To Do Kung Fu

• Tits (Censored)

• Jalapeñis

• ATM Skimmer Pranks

• TSA Treasure Hunt

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Hulu this week:

• Shia LeBeouf Tries Opening A Can of Pringles

• Rod Serling Presents: Walmart Customer Service Stories

• I Tolerate Lucy

• Senior Care Facility Rap Cyphers

• Chuck Todd Finally Shaves That Awful Goatee of His

• Star Wars: Jedi Sexual Coercion Tricks

UAG

Does That Make Me Pathmark? Does That Make Me Pathmark? Does That Make Me Pathmark? Possibly

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Love is in the air.

Some Perks and Features That Are Being REMOVED From the AMC Stubs Rewards Program

Usually, we like to update AMC Stubs Members on all the new perks and benefits being added to their membership. But lately, due to abuse of the program, the following membership perks will be discontinued immediately:

• Ability to yell four free racial slurs at the screen per movie screening

• Free usher taintrubs

• Bonus rewards points for guessing the ending and telling everybody

• Free used nachos

• Guy making popcorn will nod as you discuss with him filmmakers like Kubrick and Buñuel

• Free pirated DVD copies of movies that have already been released on DVD and reduced to the bargain bin

• Free large "cock-corn". Don't ask.