Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Here Are Your Monthly Job Numbers



Hey, party people! And I say party people because we are ABOUT TO PAR-TAY at this corporate retreat! And I hate to be the bringer of bummer announcements, but Carl has told me no one can board the bus until they submit their timesheets and email the receipt code to me by EOD. Sorry, folks, I don't make the rules. But I do MIX THE COCKTAILS, WUT!

Anyhoo, here are the job numbers for y'all:


574839 - Colluding with the Russians to influence the election

234256 - Asking someone to put the straw in your CapriSun

959951 - Annoying Doris

382410 - Trotting out an old, tired "Chappelle Show" reference

101222 - Shitting in a tin bucket (FOR CHARITY!!!!!)

997736 - Confronting the killer yourself without calling the police

248245 - Dancing like somebody's watching

777392 - Peeing on the women's toilet seat

423888 - Trying to make saag paneer stick to the ceiling

825553 - Realize you're not conceiving because it was all anal sex

535555 - Preferring the leading brand

661845 - Gathering evidence against your scoutmaster

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