The Off-Brand TP Roundup: The Trump Era

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Green swirls, green lettering, and a green butterfly

Brand Promise: The earth won't die if you shit with this

Feels Like: Whatever you're wiping with has already biodegraded into mulch

Brand: Ocean Drive 2 Ply

Brand Imagery: An oval badge showing a road winding around a tidal wave into a sunset

Brand Promise: The promise of a fun road trip away from wet disaster

Feels Like: Very thin, sun-baked asphalt in roll form

Brand: Silky Soft

Brand Imagery: Periwinkle mosaic tiles and a SUDOKU(????!!!!)

Brand Promise: This brand sounds like a rapper that will soothe you with his rhymes

Feels Like: Riding an untamed horse with a burlap saddle through a thorn bush

Brand: TOILET TISSUE

Brand Imagery: Black and green argyle, white space

Brand Promise: This will technically count as toilet tissue

Feels Like: The very minimal that the government can approve as 2-ply. Gitmo ready.

Brand: White Swan

Brand Imagery: An S-shaped swan. Piss yellow flower background

Brand Promise: A soft-as-down pooping experience

Feels Like: Angry miniature geese and swans biting your balls and anus.

Brand: RETOIN? RETAIN?

Brand Imagery: Confusing recycling logo in the middle of the name. An inexplicable Nintendo logo

Brand Promise: "Why are you reading the label? Shit already!"

Feels Like: The paper-to-ass equivalent of the Kids Bop Kids version of your favorite song