Brand: Keep It Green
Brand Imagery: Green swirls, green lettering, and a green butterfly
Brand Promise: The earth won't die if you shit with this
Feels Like: Whatever you're wiping with has already biodegraded into mulch
Brand: Ocean Drive 2 Ply
Brand Imagery: An oval badge showing a road winding around a tidal wave into a sunset
Brand Promise: The promise of a fun road trip away from wet disaster
Feels Like: Very thin, sun-baked asphalt in roll form
Brand: Silky Soft
Brand Imagery: Periwinkle mosaic tiles and a SUDOKU(????!!!!)
Brand Promise: This brand sounds like a rapper that will soothe you with his rhymes
Feels Like: Riding an untamed horse with a burlap saddle through a thorn bush
Brand: TOILET TISSUE
Brand Imagery: Black and green argyle, white space
Brand Promise: This will technically count as toilet tissue
Feels Like: The very minimal that the government can approve as 2-ply. Gitmo ready.
Brand: White Swan
Brand Imagery: An S-shaped swan. Piss yellow flower background
Brand Promise: A soft-as-down pooping experience
Feels Like: Angry miniature geese and swans biting your balls and anus.
Brand: RETOIN? RETAIN?
Brand Imagery: Confusing recycling logo in the middle of the name. An inexplicable Nintendo logo
Brand Promise: "Why are you reading the label? Shit already!"
Feels Like: The paper-to-ass equivalent of the Kids Bop Kids version of your favorite song