Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Why Barbie Would Make A Terrible Spy

"Barbie Spy Squad' just came out on DVD, and apparently Barbie plays some sort of secret agent, which sounds like a pretty fucking awful idea when you think about it. Here are just a few reasons why:

• A pink trench coat with sequins will get you shot.
• There are very few countries where a 6'4" blonde will blend in.
• Tailing someone is almost impossible when driving a pink Corvette.
• Nobody trusts their secrets to what they think is a high-priced prostitute.
• Barbie would be too busy being an airline pilot, a forest ranger, and a fashion model to spend enough time gathering significant intel.
• If placed under 'enhanced interrogation' by the enemy, Barbie would siiiiiiiiing.
• She has no inside voice.
• Barbie hasn't had the stomach for murder ever since she strangled Skipper in a bar fight.
• Barbie is MADE IN CHINA, so you'd know where her loyalties would lie.
• It would take her 4 hours just to get dressed before doing anything.

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