An Abomination Of A Different Kind

In a previous post, we introduced you to our Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, featuring a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

Last weekend in a hobby store, we happened upon another, completely different kind of abomination:

Look. It's a "Cool Collecting Barbie," which in itself has been labeled a "collectible."

So what does it collect, exactly? When you open the box does it collect itself? Does it seal itself back in the box to preserve its collectibility? Or does it collect other collectible Barbies to create a new Supercollectible? IS THIS THE END OF THE HUMAN RACE?????

Let's Tie Some Decorative Yarn Around the Ends of the EADJ Mail Sack!

From Emily Kane in Chicago, an email with photos entitled "blue frog #2 SUCKS:"

"I thought you should know that the 2nd blue frog, which opened up on Hubbard just east of State, does NOT measure up.

captured via camera phone: huge, douchebaggy river north sports bar with pathetic attempts at infusing the beloved kitsch factor."




You see, the original Blue Frog on Erie & Lasalle was a shit bar. It was a hole in the wall with random patrons that happened to have some board games lying around, and they just happened to serve great burgers with tater tots. Now, to expand that into a "brass 'n fern" type place where bachelorette parties come to do melonball shots and some floor traders come to cheer on their favorite college lacrosse game– that's an abomination.


The fact that they've hung some dusty board games from the ceiling of this nice place to copy the original bar shows you how incongruous it really is.


Weak.

Some Instances Where Responding "That's What She Said!" Probably Wouldn't Be Right

"Well, I've never been so disappointed in my life."
"I'm actually a man."
"I think we should just be friends, Matthew."
"Where did all this extra ham come from?"
"Sir, I'm very sorry to tell you this, but you have leukemia."
"Holy shit. What a small penis!"
"Tickets, please."
"Can we stop now?"
"Oh my God. I can't feel my legs!"
"Your total is $4.56."
"Hello, my name is Jean Claude Van Damme."
"RAPE!"
"I need to be alone for a while."
"No, thank you."
"Woof."
"The dry areas indicate where the drought hit hardest."
"I don't think I can trust you anymore."
"These goddamned fritters are so fucking hard to prepare."
"That's what she said!"
"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus."
"You're not worth it."
"This is an abomination."
"I'm so depressed."
"I sliced it as thin as I could for you."

Barack Abomination

You might remember from previous entries that EADJ is curating a Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, such as a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

We found yet another possible addition to the collection from the Far East, a phone texting on a phone. Let me repeat that. A PHONE TEXTING ON A PHONE.

WHY CAN'T HE TEXT ON HIMSELF? IS THAT HIS CHILD HE'S TEXTING ON?! WHY DOES HE WEAR OLD TIMEY HOBO SHOES??!!!!

Introducing A New EADJ Segment: Health Food Snackness

There's a health food store a few blocks from my office, and during lunch I eat at delis and gyro stands around it. But it was only recently that I discovered that the health food store had its own sandwich counter in the back, offering such delicacies as the tofu, lettuce and tomato sandwich or the gluten-free vegetarian falafel wrap. Mmmmm.

But on the way to the sandwich counter, I noticed that the shelves were stocked with unique snacks. 

And among these snacks were the health food "equivalents" of popular mainstream sweets.

Raweo. Okay. I'm not sure what "Live Cookies" means, unless I open the package and those things are going to start scurring to the corners of the room. Although the package promises flavors of vanilla, almond, coconut, honey and cinnamon, I'm very doubtful that this can successfully approximate the tasty extruded chemical white "Stuf" inside an Oreo.

Long story short: I bit into one of those cookies and had to immediately spit it out. I mean, I had to hock out every last morsel of said cookie into the trash because the taste and texture was instantly disgusting. But could I taste honey or a soupcon of almond in the creme? WHO GIVES A SHIT GET THIS OUT OF MY FUCKING MOUTH. I will say I stopped short of gagging, so there's that.

Verdict: Raweos should not only hang its head in shame for even attempting to compare itself to Oreos, all proceeds of its sale should be redirected to wrecking ball-ing of the factory and horse farm/teepee commune that produces this abomination. On a scale from 1 to 100 (with 100 being the most delicious) Raweos scores a solid 3. No, 2.

This new EADJ segment will document my exploration of the various healthy snacks to prove once and for all that health food nuts really don't enjoy living all that much.

Will someone generate a logo for this segment, please?

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Pool Noodles

Today we put the hate on the floating abomination that is the pool noodle.

Word has it, this is the only floating toy accepted in public pools and water parks nowadays. The larger lounge-type rafts are prohibited because I guess dumb kids can be caught underneath one? Or that the rafts are considered too big for a publicly shared space? Whatever the reason, the shitty flaccid pool noodle is now here to stay to "teach you to swim."


Now, how exactly are you supposed to learn how to swim while straddling with a big flaccid floating dong? Number one, I think that's sick, and number two, I just peed in the pool again. Feel that warmth.



The only fun that can be had with a pool noodle is out of the water, where you're beating the piss out of your friends while they're trying to hold a margarita and tell you about their new timeshare in Belize. Take that, boring conversation!