More Dipshit Conspiracy Theories For You Right Wing Outtatouchers

If you watch or listen to Info Wars, fuck you. Your insecurity about a changing world around you has forced you to seek the refuge of a ranting man-baby who blames everyone but himself for his problems, constructing elaborate but unlikely world scenarios so that his prejudiced, hateful mind can find some meaning. But if you cannot wait for Alex Jones's next episode, here are some upcoming conspiracy theories that you can nod your dim, mulleted head to:

• The Black Lives Matter Movement will throw you out if you brush your teeth with any toothpaste with whitening.

• Toys Я Us was closed down because Mattel had finally bent under pressure to start selling black and Latina versions of Skipper. The white backlash sunk sales and put the liberal cowards out of business.

• Ted Nugent has been denied a place in the Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame because he innocently called Obama a "subhuman mongrel" and threatened to kill Hillary Clinton, both statements which are well within his 1st Amendment rights and is so unfair because "Cat Scratch Fever" is a fucking classic and the libtard Deep State cucks can't take any criticism.

• That Spanish phrase "CUIDADO PISO MOJADO" on those janitorial "WET FLOOR" signs actually translates to "DANCE TILL YOU DIE, GRINGO."

• Olive Garden's "Bottomless Salad" has been exploited as a secret tunnel for illegals to enter the suburbs. So if you've order one during dinner, before leaving the table you should throw a stick of dynamite in the bowl and run.

• A JEWISH CONSPIRACY IF EVER I'VE SEEN ONE, FOLKS:

An Imagined Conversation

The One On The Left: What are we doing today.

The One On The Right: Nothing. Neither of us have jobs.

The One On The Left: Nope. So what are we going to do, then.

The One On The Right: I know– let's get dressed up and get photographed.

The One On The Left: Why.

 The One On The Right: I dunno. For the hell of it. What else are we going to do. Read? Work?

The One On The Left: LOL. Okay, we could put our hair up in stupid buns and go to a premier where lots of cameras are and have our picture taken.

The One On The Right: And then our pictures will spread on social media, and more stupid people will follow us.

The One On The Left: And then we can somehow parlay all the new attention into some sort of endorsement deal so we can have more money to buy more stupid clothes to get photographed in.

The One On The Right: It's kind of a vicious cycle.

The One On The Left: Why were we even born.

An Imaginned Conversationne

"Philippe."

"Donne."

"I mustte say, I don'tte appreciate you leaving your garbagge in frontte of my Olde Curiosity Shoppe."

"I don'tte know whatte you're talking aboutte."

"You keepe leaving your goddamnne sackes of old bagels and napkinnes in frontte of my doorway. It's cluttering my entrance and blockking the waye for my custommers."

"What custommers?! Noboddye ever visitts your dusty olde shittehole."

"Fuckke you. I gette plenty of custommers."

"Likke who? Walk-innes from people givving up fromme waiting for a table at my Bagel Shoppe?"

"Thatte is unfaire."

"Unfaire butte true."

"You know Philippe, you shouldn't be surprised if someone threwwe a burning rocking chairre through your frontte windowwe sometimme."

"Is that a threatte?"

"Thatte's a promisse, motherfuckkerre."

Come On Now, Blogger

Very recently we at EADJ pointed out technical difficulties with our blog service, which we hoped was a one-time glitch in our five-year run. And today, we found another impediment to posting regularly on this blog:


Where there would normally be a sign-in button was instead a cropped out row of blog templates. So now I can't even log in to post!

But how did I blog in just now to post this post, you ask? What are you, a cop?