UAG

COME BACK KRISTINE

So I turned to Channel 2 News at 6 to watch my favorite anchors- Maurice DuBois (it means 'of wood') and Kristine Johnson- give me the straight poop on the goings on in New York/New Jersey. But I was shocked to see some blonde woman in a cheap party dress sitting there instead of Kristine. WHO IS THIS WOMAN, MAURICE, AND WHY IS SHE USING MY GOOD DISHES??!?!?!??!

"Alice Gainer?!" WHO THE SHIT IS THAT? Did you guys leave the camera on while letting the interns play anchor?

But then I remembered all the times on this blog that I made fun of Kristine Johnson. That must be why she quit. Yes, EADJ is solely responsible for Kristine Johnson's loss and Alice Gainer's gain.

I wish Kristine the best of luck in her secondary career path, posing for stock images:

Spotted In Jersey

Have a dangerous assignment? Have no one to turn to? Turn to THE TRANSPORTER.

Are you in possession of a dangerous package that you need to deliver to Chinese gangsters by midnight? Do you need to avoid the involvement of the Feds, the local police, and rival gangs? You need THE TRANSPORTER.

THE TRANSPORTER drives only his Hyundai Elantra. He will NOT drive one of your armored town cars or illegally modified Lamborghini Countachs.

Also, THE TRANSPORTER can't drive an errand for you if the destination is the Millburn Center Strip Mall. He is no longer allowed on the premises after an incident at Foot Locker.

Got missile codes that need to be delivered to the agency head of Counter Terrorism? Need to deliver a one-of-a-kind life saving serum to an orphanage before a typhoon strikes in 2 hours? You need THE TRANSPORTER.

Need to unload alien technology with the CIA on your trail? Need to get a crucial time machine part to its inventor before his evil double from the future gets it? Trying to get a meteorite to the President to help him fight the Wolfman mafia? IT'S TIME TO CALL THE TRANSPORTER.

Except you should call his cell phone and not his home phone, because his roommate is a dick and doesn't always take down all of his messages. Not his roommate Todd, his roommate Dillon. Todd is cool.

Up Next On The EADJ Crappinema: "KAW!"

Sometimes life isn't fair. For every Tom Hanks, there's a Peter Scolari. For every Keanu Reeves, there's an Alex Winter. Same goes for the MacManus brothers from "The Boondock Saints." While Murphy MacManus (Norman Reedus) went on to a starring role in the smash hit AMC series "The Walking Dead," Connor MacManus (Sean Patrick Flanery) just ended up starring in "KAW!" -a shitty movie about killer crows- as some guy named Merkle. Merkle!

I realize I'm adding an exclamation to the title of this movie, but to hell with it. "KAW!"

"This time, the crows scare YOU." I made that up.

Merkle!

"Frankenhood" Claims Its Spot On The EADJ Crappinuum

Click to engorge

I'm not gonna lie to you. "Frankenhood" is pretty low on the Crappinuum. The characters were likable enough and the story was simple and the production values were pretty good. But maybe that's why I am so harsh on the filmmakers of this one– they had such opportunity to make this hilarious and memorable. So I'm pretty much penalizing them for squandered potential. Sorry, Blaxwell Smart. Your baby is right between "Humanity's End" and "Unbeatable Harold," which were both pretty hard to watch. I'm tough because I love.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Frankenhood

"Frankenhood" is a hip, urban reboot of the Frankenstein's monster myth, based on the classic horror novel by Mary Shelley that recontextualizes the miracle and horror of science in a more contemporary setting. Wait, no it's not. It's a dumb basketball movie that shoehorns a Frankenstein monster in just to be more interesting. But at least it's written well, with sharp dialogue and distinctive characters, right? Like, they take advantage of the absurdity of the situation to make keen observations on the Black experience, right? Suuuuuure.

Overall grade: F