Still Time To Lobster More Lobster With Your Fest!

As Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster lurches forward, scraping parked cars on either side of it, Red Lobster would like everyone to know that they are still coming up with new, exhilarating ways for you to enjoy tasty, scrumptious morsels of lobster! Try these latest delicious suggestions:

We raise a lobster like we would a child. We name her "Sandy" and put a blonde wig on her, promoting her self esteem and encouraging her to make new friends in the neighborhood. When Sandy reaches high school age and wonders why no boys have asked her to the big prom yet, we rip off her wig, put a mirror in her face, and scream "YOU'RE A LOBSTER, SANDY!" We then boil her and serve her to you with a side of potatoes and steamed broccoli. And that's just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Using the latest advances in robotics and $78 billion, we create a 40-ton suit of combat armor that sports heat-seeking missile launchers, plasma guns and even a thermo-concussion bomb. Goddamn, that would be so fucking tits! Oh yeah, it also has a plastic lobster hanging on the rear view mirror. One more way for you and yours to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

An entire civilization of lobster people are discovered on a remote continent. They speak a strange language composed of guttural sounds and lobster claw clicks. We fly you to their village, where you can learn their unique ways and have a better cultural understanding of lobsters and their contribution to this crazy thing we call Earth. How's that for an awesome way for you to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

We hire a very clean, bathed man who has just washed his hands and eats a strict diet of clean vegetables and water to shove two pounds of steamed lobster into his very washed and sanitary rectum. He squats on top of your just-cleaned, very antiseptic table and pushes the lobster out of his ass and onto your face, neck, and chest. And that's a terrific new way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

We partner with a tobacco company to create a new type of cigarette whose tobacco includes tiny dried chunks of lobster. When you smoke a few, it makes you dizzy and causes your legs to get restless and itchy. When you complain to your doctor, he lectures you endlessly about how you shouldn't be smoking cigarettes in the first place! Just another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!