Pictured below, in the back of any copy of Playbill, an ad for a binder that holds dozens of your old Playbills so you can brag to your friends about how many Broadway shows you've seen:
Here is an imagined reaction of any friend who is given this binder to look through:
"Oh. Neat. 'Hairspray.' You've seen 'Hairspray?' Cool. Do what? It's not on Broadway anymore? That's a shame. Oh, it's only playing in London now? Wow... Oh, so here's a Playbill for 'Jersey Boys.' Yeah, wow. They do a bunch of Frankie Valli songs? That's really something. 'Mamma Mia,' yeah. I've heard about that, and I heard the movie... oh? The show is way better than the movie? Oh, okay. I gotta check that out. Excuse me for one second."
(cocks shotgun, points it at head, pulls the trigger with big toe)
In New York, it's very common to see someone's dropped business card or building pass. As a public service to protect these innocent people from potential identity theft, EADJ announces its new free service: Operation Hillbilly Teeth.
Operation Hillbilly Teeth works like this:
1) We find stray business cards and building passes.
2) We mail these pieces of sensitive information back to the owner. But we include in the package some free plastic Hillbilly Teeth.
3) We imagine these confused but grateful individuals trying on the Hillbilly Teeth.
Stay tuned as we soon document this amazing new public service. And to sign up to volunteer for Operation Hillbilly Teeth, please visit the sign-up board at your local Walgreen's or barber shop.
Now, because of the recent crisis in Haiti, there are a lot of B- and C-list celebrities like Heidi Montag and that Tila Tequila chick who are jumping on the bandwagon and urging people to give generously to the Red Cross or whatever. I'm here to tell you that although, yes, these are useless, parasitic famewhores using this terrible tragedy to call even more undeserved attention to themselves, at least they are pointing some people in the right direction.
Before we begin, it must be noted here that I am a HUGE Star Wars fan. So much so that I own a Stormtrooper suit and have the original trilogy on my iPod for instant viewing. But when I received this blatantly patronizing junk mail selling me an overpriced ceramic model of the Mos Eisley cantina the other week, and I felt more insulted the more I read it. Here is the direct mail piece:
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And here is the accompanying letter:
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The fine folks at Hawthorne Village saw fit to write me a double-sided letter about why I should sink $59.95 on a breakable dust catcher that has all the playability of your Grandma's candy dish. And that's not so far off, considering Hawthorne Village also hocks musical ceramic Christmas trees, breakable miniature trains and utterly smashable Precious Moments figurines. And not just one dust catcher, either. It's the first in a series of "Star Wars Galactic Village" ceramic scenes licensed by Lucasfilm Ltd™! But in order to extract $59.99 x 3 out of Star Wars fans, they had to really lay on the honey. It is here that I spit that honey back in their ceramic faces. Enjoy!
Tune in soon for my point-by-point refutation of the 2nd installment of this junk mail series. And if you're wondering: no, I didn't buy one. Yet. Shut up, man.
Although I'm not familiar with the movie or book, the melodramatic devotion suggests that it might be a "Twilight" reference, which is even more ridiculous than regular teen melodrama.
Listen, man, I've worked with you here in Downtown Gas for a good year and a half, and we've gotten to know each other pretty well in the garage, so I feel like I know you enough to just go out and say this:
You shouldn't be dating that Uptown Girl.
I know, the other guys (Jeff in particular) think it's great that you've not only found a girl who's not insane (LOL!) but one as classy and famous as that Uptown Girl. You haven't had a lot of luck with women for a while, and it's good to see you so happy when you're working on motors. You haven't even gotten mad this week when I've taken longer smoke breaks. Believe me, I've noticed!
But something tells me that this relationship you have with this woman isn't such a good idea. It just doesn't add up. I mean, she's incredibly famous, modeling for Uptown Cosmetics and swimsuit pin-ups, and she rides around in a freakin' Rolls Royce, for crying out loud. Have you ever even worked on one of those? Why would she be crossing town to hang out with grease monkeys like us?
Now, before you fly off the handle and get defensive, don't think I'm judging you. I know you're a stand up guy, and you're not just dating her for her money. If it were about money, you'd have sold Downtown Gas to that fancy-pants golf course developer, am I right?
I'm just saying, I've seen girls with money date "backstreet guys" like us before, and it's never worked out. These dames do get bored of their high class toys, and all the presents from their uptown boys, but a few months later, they get sick of paying for bowling and pizza and want to be treated to a nice filet mignon or champagne. They go "slumming" for a month, then head back Uptown to the life they're used to. I'm just warning you not to get your heart broke, Bill.
If you still don't believe me, I've talked to some married guy with kids whose life she almost ruined, who can confirm that she's a tease. I'll give you his number. His name is Clark Griswold.
Pictured below, a sure sign of waning support for the conflict in Iraq: suburban women at malls are no longer willing to pay a premium for designer luggage that inexplicably emulates the military's 'digital camouflage' pattern.
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