"Look Like You Lost 5 Pounds?!"
Is losing five pounds that hard? Shit fucking ballsack. How goddamned lazy do you have to be to be unable to drop five lousy pounds? I lose that after an extended dump. I lose that after skipping a lunch. I lose that after getting off my fat ass and going for a run. Shit, people. "Look like you lost 5 pounds." Self Magazine, instead of encouraging you to eat right or –God forbid– exercise, has helped you craft a way to fool all of your friends into thinking you lost five pounds. They are spinning a web of lies for you from which you cannot escape. One lie leads to another, and soon you're murdering a janitor to use his corpse to fake your own death so that you can move to Mexico and start a new life! Don't read that article!
By the way, nobody notices when you lose only five pounds. Lose ten pounds and then we can talk, fatass.
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