Oh, hey. Wassup.
Yeah, I'm sort of surprised that you're here. I mean, this is a bar called Scalawag's, so I didn't expect white glove service in the pisser. I just came here to do my biz and go back to drinking.
Oh, thanks. I see you've turned on the faucet for me. Nice. That's some serious service there. Again, not the type of service I was expecting in this 5" x 5" bathroom with "TODD IS A NUTTSUKER" scrawled on the wall. Yeah, just gonna wash my hands real quick and... oh! A paper towel! You are handing me a paper towel that I could have grabbed from the dispenser myself?! Well, la-di-da, aren't we in fancy-pants land now. Look at me! It's like I'm at the Ritz! Oh, and look at the fine selection of sundry mints and candies in your basket! I can choose ANY of them? Even after other dudes have touched it shortly after touching their penises? Well, after all that service (and even a bit of chit chat) I feel compelled to throw a second dollar in your till. No, really. I feel COMPELLED.
Let's be honest here– this is possibly the definition of unnecessary. I understand you're trying to make an extra buck, but I will be goddamned if I have to tip you a dollar every time I come back here to wee-wee. You're not here at 3pm, so why should I tip you for working here at 9pm? And I'm not going to try that "give-you-a-twenty-so-I-can-come-back-as-many-times-without-tipping" trick, because I know for a fact that you always pretend to forget who I am.
You know, I'll go so far as to say you're actually a health hazard. Yes, that's right. I've seen quite a few guys avoid eye contact with you and NOT wash their hands just so they don't have to throw you a buck. Sure, they are cheap and disgusting, but I think any forthcoming listeriosis outbreaks will be on your conscience, my friend.
Can we make a rule of thumb here? Anytime a bar doesn't have tablecloths on the tables and pheasant under glass, you don't have to stand at the sink in that bathroom. Then I don't have to feel bad about letting out a loud clap of a fart whenever I'm at the urinal. Deal, champ? Sweet.
Good talk.
No comments:
Post a Comment