Awwwwww!

(pictured above, Mel and Jessica pay IM status homage to one another. It's like a digital hug!)

*** UPDATE: Mel has informed us that despite the big ol' lovefest, Jessica still can't spell "Kreilein" right.

Salad Problems.

I go to this place on 42nd St. and 3rd Avenue for salads. It's a good place because they mix it in for you then toss it with whatever dressing you want. But the last few times I've gone over there, the dressing guy has called me "Ma'am." Yeah.


I thought at first that maybe he's calling me "Man," but he's called other men in line "Sir." And I've heard him use "Ma'am" for all the women. So what the fuck, dude? Do I really look like a woman?


After like the third time he called me that, I started speaking really loudly in a manly voice to the ingredients guy (who calls me "Sir") so dressing guy could pick up on it. I'd say things like "I WANT CUCUMBERS, BLUE CHEESE, AND BEAN SPROUTS," in the deepest voice I could muster. And that still didn't work. I still got "Ma'am" from dressing guy.

So I took a photo of myself at that place to see what dressing guy sees. Turns out, I do look like an Asian lesbian in the right light. Or maybe all the time. Or maybe dressing guy thinks I'm a woman because I've been loading up on salads so much, and my choice of ingredients emphasizes my owning a vagina. Whatever.


If you or some dude you know keeps getting mistaken for a lesbian, maybe it's time you took a good look at yourself and changed your haircut or stopped going to lesbian marches with your arm around your girlfriend. Or maybe you could parlay that mistaken identity into a wacky comedy starring Kal Penn and Margaret Cho.

Something I Noticed in Vegas Hotel Rooms

(pictured above, like their slots, you always almost get three in a row)

Tom Investigates.

Give that man a Jade Mollusk Award!

Punny Delight

Delight admitted that "Cock-tail UP, Boys!" is a terrible, nonsensical pun playing off the cocktail bar setting of her photograph. And she was gracious enough to share all her rejected flyer taglines (click to enlarge):

A Favor, Por Favor

What bugged J'Net is starting to bug me now.

Can someone call the phone number here and ask Delight what the fuck that tagline of hers means? A Jade Mollusk Award awaits whoever gets an answer without a charge on your credit card.

Piss-Awful Vegas Act #2

Pictured below, the gender-bending goth cheesedick awfulness that is Fashionistas. It's described as "a boy meets girl story told in dance, set to profane industrial music." I love how even they acknowledge it sucks by putting the word "show" in quotes.





Gee, go to a two-bit Vegas show playing industrial remixes of Zeppelin or stick icepicks in your ear canals? Decisions, decisions.

Piss-Awful Vegas Act #1

My Favorite Photo From Vegas.

(pictured above, Joel interviews a Stratosphere Dong in a Stratosphere Tower container at the top of the Stratosphere Casino Tower)

Jay Leads the Las Vegas Men's Chorus.

Postcards From Whoretown!

On pretty much every square of sidewalk in Vegas, there's a guy sullenly handing out flyers for escort services. Over the weekend, Joel and I grabbed as many as we could, just for yuks. They're kind of like Pokemon trading cards, except they're really expensive to fuck.


When I came home, I shared the cards with J'Net. She spent a lot of time reading and organizing(?) them.


The piece de resistance, however, was one that Joel happily captioned himself:



Sidenote: I just recently tried to give these smutcards to Tom Weingard as souvenirs, but he politely declined.

Wotta Guy.

(pictured above, the actual signed DVD that Michael Bay sent me)

Get it? No? Whatever.

Through My Trees.

(pictured above, an R&B compilation loses street cred)

An Estoye Family Tradition

So for four years in a row now, the Estoye family has made it a grand Christmas tradition to not cook and go eat at Denny's instead. (Yeah, I know it's like two months late for this post, but I just had to get that Intimate Agony movie review out ASAP.) We've consistently picked Denny's for the value, the prices, and the great prices we get on value. Plus if you've ever seen the inside of my parents' fridge, you'd not want to eat there, either.

Dick Light Update?!?

In a bizarre instance of life imitating blog, an article from Gizmodo.com appeared the day after the Feb 15 entry "Shining A New Light" appeared on EADJ.


Weird!

What Matt Thinks 3: The Return of the King

A Thought Process That Somebody Out There Probably Has

"Why is Kim Jong Il wearing an apron? God, I hate the Chinese. We should have shipped them out after they completed the Union and Pacific. So glad we nuked their ass after WWII. Man, now that was a real war. What's on TV?"

A Thought Process That No One Will Have

"Hey, there's that guy Jared from those Subway commercials! I recognize him! But wait, there's something oddly different about him in this ad. Something's not...Oh, I KNOW! HE'S GOT A MILK MOUSTACHE!! Just like a lot of other well-known personalities have done, Jared's gotten into a Got Milk ad! So this isn't a Subway ad at all, but a Got Milk ad! What an amazing twist in advertising! I know that Jared lost a lot of weight from eating those hoagies or whatever, because Subway is all about being healthier than the other fast food places. So I guess by association and his endorsement, Jared's telling me that milk is also a great way to lose weight! I get it! But isn't whole milk kind of bad for you with its fat content and all?...No WAIT! He's holding a container of LOWFAT MILK! Good show, Jared! So a container of Shamrock Farms would perfectly complement a 12 inch Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sandwich (only 12 grams of fat) from Subway! Huzzah, I say, Huzzah! Well played Jared Fogle, you never fail to inspire me with your story of weight loss! Godspeed, my good sir, and I hope to see you again on Subway's television commercials!"

Dammit

Another two 5-letter words I wasn't psyched about seeing together.

Shining A New Light

The National Council of Booklight Manufacturers convened in Los Palmas this week to announce the introduce their long-awaited Dicklight.

Joel, of course, was on hand for the press conference, as well as model/actress/tits Katie "Jordan" Price, Vida Guerra, Keeley Hazell, and Tera Patrick. Joel demonstrated how the Dicklight easily clips on a penis, making dick-eating in the dark easier and less awkward.

The Council opened the floor for questioning, and some snarky reporter from U.S. News Weekly News & World Report asked Joel if he might accidentally eat the light. Everyone had a good laugh, but then one of Tera Patrick's boobs fell out, and the whole room got awkward.

(pictured above, an intolerable ad directed at intolerable women)

"Our?!"

(pictured above, the wrong possessive determiner at the Delmonico salad bar doesn't seem to gross anybody out)

Joel's Got Onions

Hey, remember when Joel had that clam stuck to his neck? It happened again, but this time it's not attached to his neck, and it's not a clam. And it's in his kitchen. So it's pretty much exactly like that time.

Joel was dicing onions in his kitchen yesterday afternoon as he was making dick stew, when one of the onions rolled behind the stove. Joel tried using a broom, a wooden spoon, and even a dick to reach the darn thing, to no avail.

And since Joel couldn't move the stove without disconnecting the gas, he was one onion short of real dick onion stew. His brilliant solution? Just eat straight dick like he always does! Yaaaaaay, fun! Jesus, why do you read this blog?

(pictured above, a real CD. More info on Bishop Lamont here)

Let's Keep Sending Snow Globes As Gifts To the EADJ Mail Sack, Even Though It's Stated Clearly That It Doesn't Collect Snow Globes Anymore!

Submitted by Vince Soliven, a screenshot of the K-Y viral website where Vince had repeatedly tried to insert Bryan Dixon's name in it but was banned for being "profane."

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From the "Making Fresh Diamonds In the Microwave" page, a comment by alyankfreak:

you called yourself a moron because your human.

Later, During the Conference Call...

Shit, Maybe It's a Cultural Thing.

You might remember a January entry where a restaurant put an ad for mofongo in a picture frame in the toilet. So I found another bathroom in Brooklyn where they put regular signage and an ad for food in a classy frame.



I really don't get it. Unless I ran into the can before even sitting down at a table, I'm pretty sure I would've ordered already, so I don't need to consider the "Three Course Prix Fixe Dinner For $23.00" at this juncture. That's just a bad media buy. I just want to wash the pee off my fingers, please.

And yes, I peed with the seat down. I'm a bad person.

Two 5-Letter Words That Should Never Be Together.

This Just In!

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