It's time to play "That's Funny Cuz!"

That's funny,cuz...

*** UPDATE *** Eat a Dick Joel has now reached 150 entries! We'd like to thank Joel Thomas for the opportunity and for giving us so much to work with. "Eat a dick" to all who helped get us here! Excelsior!

Separated Afterbirth?

**UPDATE**

The Pedway Guide article refers to her as MS. Sue McCloskey. So if she did have the hottie chick as a daughter, it would have been as a single mother. No wonder that girl's so clingy.

+++ Sue McCloskey FOUND, TAGGED, and IDENTIFIED! +++

Eat A Dick Joel has scored yet another journalistic coup.

Mere months after video footage of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson emerged– thus proving his existence– an article in a local publication has been found, revealing the true identity and existence of Sue McCloskey, plagiarist and President of Ponte Fresco LLC. The uncredited article scooped The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Lillian Vernon Catalog, and it has started speculation that the Pulitzer Prize for journalism this year will go to EADJ (Since the Pedway Guide article is uncredited, Pulitzer rules state that the first blog that announces the article will get the prize).

"Shit," says Diane Sawyer, who was hoping to land the prize this year with her February interview with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, one of the first interviews granted to an American.

The Dow Jones has reached 13,000 points as a result of the Pedway Guide leak. The long running news show "Meet the Press" has changed its name to "Press the Meat" to be more "Eat A Dick Joel-like." Lou Dobbs has resorted to wearing mesh tank tops to show off his COCK BLOCK belly tat.

The Pedway article seems to have scored an actual sit-down interview with McCloskey, rather than just running one of Ponte Fresco's fluffy press releases. McCloskey talks about her reasons for starting a "fast casual" restaurant in Chicago in both a condescending and kissing-ass kind of way:

"We wanted to go to the heart of the American market," she says "where both the consumer and the competition are very smart."

McCloskey even throws in one of her trademark plagiarisms:

"If we can make it here, in Chicago, we can make anywhere."

In addition to opening up so publicly, Sue McCloskey adds another line to her oft-quoted Table Tent Manifesto. The new "alternate ending" sentence "We strive to live by this in our personal lives, and Ponte Fresco is all about manifesting this message in a clear and compelling food experience" raises the manifesto to new bullshit heights, reaffirming Ponte Fresco as the Eleven Dollar Salad place and cementing McCloskey as a true PR legend.


But what truly sends this article to the stratosphere (dong!) of journalistic excellence has to be the very first actual photo of Sue McCloskey. Confident and short, she seems to have sprouted from her very own salad toppings. Her hair is auburn and her eyes seem hazel (could she possibly be the mother of the auburn-haired hottie in the CVS "Mystery Couple" photo?). She also appears to shy away from the spotlight, preferring to stand at the end of the group. She also seems to flout the health code rules of Ponte Fresco, letting her bangs jut out from under her hat while making her underlings hide their locks.

Eat a Dick Joel is dusting off a Pulitzer-size space on the mantel. What.

***Star Wars, Episode VI: The Return of the SFVOSP***

The Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson. When he rains, he pours. Andrew Gall spotted the less towering, less svelte copy of Scott Peterson on the way to work today. This is his submittal:

Things we've learned about the SFVOSP this morning:

---he wears Tommy Hilfiger carpenter jeans
---he reads the Sun Times
---he enjoys yogurt

There was a near-confrontation when a woman briskly exited the elevator, bumping the arm of our bulging brother-in-arms. But nothing happened. He exited quickly on 22.

(pictured above, Vince's rendering of the SFVOSP. It should be noted that Vince has NOT seen this person and is basing his drawing on Andrew's description)

UPDATE: EADJ reporters will make a complete list of all businesses operating on the 22nd floor and slowly deduce the SFVOSP's place of work.

Let's Pry Open That Thar EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured above, Brad Harvey submits some classic Dex advertising)

***SFVOSP. Too Much Ain't Enough***

Michelle joins the hallowed Pantheon (or the Parthenon) of folks who have spotted the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson.

"Got on the elevator with me this morning at 9:08 am. He exited the elevator on the 23rd floor."

By joining this elite team of witnesses, Michelle is now qualified for a free membership at Lakeshore Fitness for a year. She also gets a lifetime supply of Pier One coasters, a burlap sack full of Nads, and a pocketful of luck.

Good job, Michelle!

(pictured above, Michelle's AMAZING rendition of The SFVOSP, who seems pretty tall considering how high the Captivate thing really is)

Happy Three-Days-After-Earth Day!

Joel spent Three-Days-After-Earth-Day reminding people to eat all of their dick, so as not to waste.

He placed a two-page spread ad in Los Angeles Confidential Magazine (the April issue with Courteney Cox on the cover looking like a lion) extolling the virtues of eating dick versus burning coal. He even got an a cherry picker crane and pointed at a rising chart like Al Gore did in that buddy cop movie.

"Burning coal is polluting the air faster than cancer, Mallobars and tin combined," Joel muttered incoherently, "My very eager mother just served us nine pickles."

When reminded that Pluto was no longer considered a planet, Joel replied, "My very eager mother just served us nilla wafers."

When told that there was no planet that started with the letter W, Joel took his pants off and showed the googly eyes he had glued to his testicles.

You Can Do It!

(pictured above: The TV Guide group. Not pictured: Travis, David, Scott Peterson, a creative brief or a sense of direction.)

Thanks, CVS for the Random Dude & Chick.

Early Sunday afternoon, this EADJ reporter developed some photos at the self service kiosk at CVS. Along with the regular photos of sheep intestines and retirement home snuff pics, this photo of a beaming, clean-scrubbed couple came out of the print slot. WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?! The digital camera was double checked after theorizing that someone might have borrowed the camera at a bar outing. Nope. The mystery photo even showed up on the Kodak proof sheet at the end of the roll. So somehow this digital orphan was hiding in the kiosk's memory and decided to stow away on my dime.


The plot thickened after the photos were burned to a blank CD, and the photo showed up in the directory with its own title: "WebsitePic.jpg." What website was destined to host this happy duo besides Eat a Dick Joel: The Blog? How can we divine where this website is based on the geography of the CVS and the demographics of the photo's subjects?

First, what we can gather from the photo itself? Well, both people in the photo are pretty good looking. The chick is unquestionably bangable. Her brunette/auburn hair and bluish eyes betray a possibly Irish or Italian background. Her simple-floral-print-shirt-over-tank-top is frustratingly generic, although her Rachel-like hairdo suggests she probably comes from money. The dude is, I can admit it, pretty handsome. He looks in his late 20's to early 30's, although it seems he might be graying on the sides (unless that's just the flash). With an athletic build (with a tragically BLANK generic sweatshirt) and sitting upright with vigor, he seems like a pretty good match for our clingy redhead– a strong shoulder for her to cry on during emotional scenes of "Grey's Anatomy." Unless they're brother and sister, then, eww.


And where are these two? A blank red wall gives us nothing to go by, unless the new Lava looks just like that. The wooden furniture suggests a pub rather than a cheesedick club with striped shirts and the like. The stout-like consistency of the drink in the corner leads us to believe it's a bar that serves micro-brews. The odd shape of the glass confirms this. If anyone has any information that can lead to the identification of this lovely couple, Eat a Dick Joel has offered to buy you a Caffeine Free Diet Coke.

Oh, and Joel eats dick.

False Alarm. *Whew*

An urgent report Friday had announced that Joel did NOT eat dick the previous day. After consulting various sources and celebrity blogs, we can safely say with certainty that that report was incorrect. Joel had in fact eaten 87 dicks on Thursday. That's an 87 dick disparity. Last time we consult the Drudge Report.

At a press conference held at a food court in a Richmond, Virginia mall, EADJ spokesperson Dwight Flannagan expressed both relief and anger. "While I am glad to hear that Joel has continued to eat the dicks he so dearly loves, I am angered at the inconsistency we have shown in reporting his dick-eating. I hereby resign as spokesperson of Eat A Dick, Joel. Thank you."

The press conference was met with shrugs from reporters and bystanders, who were pretty sure Dwight Flannagan was a fictional person, just like Sue McCloskey.

(pictured above, Brad proves time and again that he is indeed a treasure)

SHOCKER!!

Sources have not confirmed this yet, but apparently Joel did NOT eat dick yesterday.

Four think tanks in Washington are trying to come up with a theory to explain this astounding aberration. Their theories so far:

• Joel really did eat dick, but he lied that he didn't.

• Joel somehow found the Invisible Man

• Lent?

• The security cameras that usually record Joel eating dick were for some reason turned off by Joel's chimp servant.

• Joel has found a hole to another dimension where he can eat an infinite amount of new dick while looking like he never ate a single dick in this dimension.

• That Joel just dropped the ball, and this universe is about to invert on itself.

(pictured above, Old Navy introduces the new Jessica Foster line)

Get On the Stick, Joel.

(pictured above, two examples of glory ruined by computers converge into one symbol of disappointment.)

Hey Minus!

(pictured above, Suz and Emily show their enthusiasm for a good grade given by a trade mag to an ad agency that they work at)

TheRightSideofRyan'sFace-a-Palooza!

(pictured above, the right side of Ryan's face working on godawful TV Guide crap and the right side of Ryan's face making fun of Ranee having to work on godawful Dex crap)

Dongtastic! Cocktabulous!

Some people have complained that Joel doesn't give them enough eye contact because he's always focusing on the dick that he's eating. And many of these same people aren't even having their dicks eaten at the time, so that's sort of a double whammy.

So to all of you folks who have recently tried to have a conversation with Joel but couldn't maintain eye contact with him, Joel offers this form letter:

Hey. Sorry about not looking you directly in the eye while we were discussing ___________. Attention to your issue is of vital importance to me, but so is chomping down massive amounts of cock. So I had to prioritize. Please don't feel that I don't take ___________ seriously enough because I'm cupping balls against my half-shaven chin at the same time (I love it when it makes that skritch skritch sound!). I just have to multi-task these days. So, thanks for reading! GO SANJAYA! – Joel

(pictured above, a DJ whose URL doesn't work anymore)

Canon Rebellion Mutiny Uprising!

(pictured above, 2 snarky signs show up around Canons 1 and 2)

Save the Cheerleader. Eat the Dick.

Joel is a big fan of "Heroes."

He gets hard whenever the Hiro character raises his arms. His nuts ache whenever Hayden Panetierre breaks her neck. His glans penis pulsates whenever Sendhil Ramamurthy as Mohinder Suresh does his mystical-but-not-really-saying-anything-profound voiceover.

So when Joel heard that "Heroes" was going to be back on April 23, he was so excited that he sexually molested a traffic cone and forgot to eat the dick sitting on his TV tray. Joel took the rest of the day rebuilding the James Kyson Lee shrine that he had knocked over in his excitement.

But seriously, "Heroes" is pretty cool.

(pictured above, filling in for Pat Hanna, Tyra comments on Jessica's latest KeyBank newspaper layout)

Let's Slacken Up the Tight Opening of the EADJ Mail Sack!

(The above photo was sent by Andrew Gall of the Creative Department Annex. It's of a Smokey Bones restaurant, which is pretty much guaranteed to be near a Cellular South store.)

Let's Re-Uncinch the EADJ Mail Sack!

(the following is a letter from Andrew Gall in the Creative Department Annex)

Last night I returned home around 12:15 a.m. I came upon a somewhat nerdy looking bicyclist, who called my attention to a squashed iguana, directly in front of the entrance to my building. He excitedly said he was going home to get his camera. The iguana looked like something out of a cartoon, squashed flat, with no traces of his (or her) insides. I tried to piece together the events. Someone’s beloved pet was apparently let loose to run amok on a busy street. Somewhere, a child, most likely of spanish descent, was crying. I hurried inside for the night. When I returned to the scene this morning, the dead iguana had been moved closer to the sidewalk. Someone must have felt compassion. I pulled out my shitty Nikon digital camera to take a picture, but the battery was dead.

Whoop That Trick! Eat That Dick!

Today was a great day for Joel. He straightened out all the kinks from a recent tax return fiasco (see the Feb 13 entry, "Dick -------------> Joel"), and he had some extra free time to do some errands and eat some spare dick.

Between picking up the dry cleaning and returning a Blockbuster movie, Joel happened upon one of those roadside rose stands. As everyone knows, those rose stands are run by Moonies. Joel had somehow forgotten that important fact, however, and wandered into the lair of Sun Myung Moon. Within minutes, people were trying to recruit Joel into their gentle cult.

Only into the eighth brochure did Joel realize his predicament. But like the aikido master that he is, he promised that he would join if they gave him a dozen roses and allowed him to eat five of their members' members. The Moonies bought it, and Joel sucked it. He hightailed it out of there in his PT Cruiser, giving the finger to those cult saps and yelling "SEE YA, SUCKAS!!!"

It was a good day.

(pictured above, a Hot Topic shopping spree in Schaumburg is rendered 10,000% more gangsta)

Can You Eat The Dick Tonight

On Joel's flight back to L.A. from the Florida Keys, he was lucky to find a special "Joel Only" copy of SkyMall in his seat pouch. And as fast as he could whip out his automatic pencil, he was filling out the order form. Here is just a sample of the many items that Joel has coming his way in 6-8 weeks:

Dick, Joel. Joel, Dick.

Well, Joel is back from his amazing 4-day vacation, all tanned and ready to eat California dick again. The Florida Keys dick was spicier but more musky– with sort of a game-y aftertaste. Goes well with stout. Especially if you thread a few pineapple slices on the tip. Mmm Mmmm, dick!

Joel came back sporting some pukka shells 'round his neck. Each shell represents a different dick that he ate. The dark shells were... WELL, YOU KNOW! LOL!!!!!

But in all seriousness, Joel learned something on his little sojourn. That no matter where you go to eat dick, there's nothing quite like the taste of down home cock and balls to make you feel right again. Salut!

(pictured above, Lauren Fontinel shows how much she's matured since her baby photo)

Eat 'em and Leave 'em

(pictured above, Suz turns Matt into a spider roll)

Toss It Like It's Hot

(pictured above, Emily 2 becomes a futo maki while Dean mugs)

Amazing Technical Information!

DID YOU KNOW:

Instead of obsessively typing in "eatadickjoel.blogspot.com" in your browser every fifteen minutes, you can just click on the "RSS" icon in the address bar. That way a new post will appear automatically. Neat!

Spla-BAMMMM!

(Joel is on a 4-day vacation in the Florida Keys, so EADJ is taking a journalistic hiatus)

Hey, we should nickname Jessica's crack. What do you guys say?

I think StinkeRhonda is a good start. Submit your name nominations in the comments!

(pictured above, Dean asks Melinda to order another lunch for a status meeting)

How To Make Larry Look Black.

(pictured above, Larry overhears a conversation about Pat Boone and teeth whiteners)

Slow down, big guy.

Joel is on vacation, so there's not a ton to report on EADJ.

Except that Joel is planning to go on a 4-day dick eating marathon (pun intended!) in the sunny Florida Keys. Nothing but sun, fun, and huge Florida cock bouncing in the back of Joel's thirsty mouth. Joel has already filled his schedule, so anyone in the Key Largo, Islamorada, Marathon or Big Pine Key area who wants their dicks eaten in a hammock is out of luck. Joel will be staying at the luxurious Sugarloaf Lodge in a poolside villa. Look for the red NO VAGINAS sign on his hut!

(pictured above, some of the C-K expensable meals you can have under $7)

Jessica's Crack: An In-Depth Peek

(the following is an exclusive interview with Jessica's crack by EADJ field reporter Sue McCloskey)

SM: Thank you for coming.

JC: It's good to be here.

SM: So, let's get started. You've led a very public life, being the crack of an ass and all.

JC: Yes, that's true. But I believe it's a harsh misconception, and I've been trying to fight it all my life. I'm a very private person, actually.

SM: And Jessica seems so out there.


JC: She does, bless her heart. But try to separate the girl from the crack of her ass for a second?

SM: Okay.

JC: I myself don't crave the public eye. But the very fact that I am so large makes it hard to hide.

SM: You say you're large? How is that?

JC: (puffing a cigarette) I am unusually long for the crack of an ass. Where most people's ass cracks end three to four inches north of their butthole, mine stretches far beyond, almost to Jessica's waist.

SM: I see.

JC: (blowing out a long plume of smoke) Add to that the burden of Jessica wearing low-rider, hip-hugging jeans all the time, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.

SM: I hate that expression.

JC: Sorry.

SM: S'okay. So you've grown up in the public eye, and now you're pretty much a celebrity, whether you wanted to be or not. What's next for Jessica's crack?

JC: Well, I really love strutting my stuff, so I've signed on to appear in next season's "Dancing With the Stars," and I'm paired up with one of the members of Blackstreet.

SM: Omarion?

JC: No, you're thinking of B2K.

SM: Oh. And what else?

JC: (taking a sip from her chocolatini) I've signed a $500,000 deal with Penguin Books to write my memoirs. It's called "Tainted Memories– The Rise and Fall of Jessica's Butt Slit."

SM: Neat.

JC: I've also started a foundation in Boston for girls with long ass cleavage. It's called 2 Cheeks & Hope.

SM: That's so great of you. You seem so involved for an ass crack.

JC: I believe you can transcend expectations and be whatever you want to be. The fact that my main function is pushing out corn-ridden torpedoes and floating air biscuits doesn't hold me back from my dreams.

SM: I'm sure there are a lot of readers who can learn from your wise words, Jessica's crack.

JC: I hope so. (taking a bite of her black olive crostini) For the children's sake, I certainly hope so.

Whoopsy Daisy.

(The following is a cease and desist letter delivered to Joel yesterday afternoon)

Dear Joel Thomas:

It has come to my attention that you have made unauthorized use of my copyrighted likeness. I have reserved all rights to my name and likeness as of January 1997 and have a registered copyright therein. Your work entitled Eat A Dick Joel is essentially identical to my name and clearly used my name as its basis.

I demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works derived from Eat a Dick Joel, and all copies, including electronic copies, of same, that you destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of my rights in the future. If I have not received an affirmative response from you by April 14, 2007 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall take further action against you and ask for, like, $20 or something.

Very truly yours,
Aida Dikkjöl,
Turnip farmer in Slavic country of Vojvodina

(pictured above, the first casualty of Café Kriv: half of Vince's next paycheck)

(pictured below, Vojvodina)

Meanwhile, in the Creative Annex,

Two unbelievable fatties fight over a huge hamhock before heading to Navy Pier for fried dough and biscuits 'n gravy.