+++ Sue McCloskey FOUND, TAGGED, and IDENTIFIED! +++

Eat A Dick Joel has scored yet another journalistic coup.

Mere months after video footage of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson emerged– thus proving his existence– an article in a local publication has been found, revealing the true identity and existence of Sue McCloskey, plagiarist and President of Ponte Fresco LLC. The uncredited article scooped The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Lillian Vernon Catalog, and it has started speculation that the Pulitzer Prize for journalism this year will go to EADJ (Since the Pedway Guide article is uncredited, Pulitzer rules state that the first blog that announces the article will get the prize).

"Shit," says Diane Sawyer, who was hoping to land the prize this year with her February interview with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, one of the first interviews granted to an American.

The Dow Jones has reached 13,000 points as a result of the Pedway Guide leak. The long running news show "Meet the Press" has changed its name to "Press the Meat" to be more "Eat A Dick Joel-like." Lou Dobbs has resorted to wearing mesh tank tops to show off his COCK BLOCK belly tat.

The Pedway article seems to have scored an actual sit-down interview with McCloskey, rather than just running one of Ponte Fresco's fluffy press releases. McCloskey talks about her reasons for starting a "fast casual" restaurant in Chicago in both a condescending and kissing-ass kind of way:

"We wanted to go to the heart of the American market," she says "where both the consumer and the competition are very smart."

McCloskey even throws in one of her trademark plagiarisms:

"If we can make it here, in Chicago, we can make anywhere."

In addition to opening up so publicly, Sue McCloskey adds another line to her oft-quoted Table Tent Manifesto. The new "alternate ending" sentence "We strive to live by this in our personal lives, and Ponte Fresco is all about manifesting this message in a clear and compelling food experience" raises the manifesto to new bullshit heights, reaffirming Ponte Fresco as the Eleven Dollar Salad place and cementing McCloskey as a true PR legend.


But what truly sends this article to the stratosphere (dong!) of journalistic excellence has to be the very first actual photo of Sue McCloskey. Confident and short, she seems to have sprouted from her very own salad toppings. Her hair is auburn and her eyes seem hazel (could she possibly be the mother of the auburn-haired hottie in the CVS "Mystery Couple" photo?). She also appears to shy away from the spotlight, preferring to stand at the end of the group. She also seems to flout the health code rules of Ponte Fresco, letting her bangs jut out from under her hat while making her underlings hide their locks.

Eat a Dick Joel is dusting off a Pulitzer-size space on the mantel. What.