Kristine Johnson, Found!

We hadn't heard from our favorite news anchor Kristine Johnson in years, so it was quite the surprise that we finally have an update on her. According to EADJ correspondents at Party City, KJ is now a sexy nun at the Church of the Rising Naughty Boner.

Check back here in another 5 years for the latest Kristine Johnson updates!

EADJ Programming Note

Click to play video:

Thanks to Fiverr vendor malevoicetalent for the sick DJ drop!

Yeah, there is no "Kristine in the Morning". I just added that because it sounded good.

A Minor News Hiccup

The other night on CBS 2 News, Kristine Johnson was reading some fluff piece while the video was playing onscreen and started having a coughing fit. The camera cut back to the news desk, and our girl Kristine was downing some filtered vodka water.

She quickly recovered, apologized and finished the segment. With absolutely no help from Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood"), thank you very much.

And since we're on the subject, here are some photos of women that kind of look like Kristine Johnson:

Maurice and Kristine: Network Promotional Whores

J'Net brought this to my attention yesterday: CBS 2 is promoting NFL Thursday Night Football and they got the contractually obligated news anchors Kristine Johnson and Maurice Du Bois (it means "of wood") to dress up and "have fun with it." And they tried.

Looks like Kristine drew the line at wearing a ruffled cheerleader miniskirt. And it looks like Maurice said "Hell no" and simply changed his tie to a gold one.

I'm not entirely understanding the glowing tip of the football. What does that remind me of? Oh, right.

RUN, MAURICE! COVER YOUR FACE!

Here's Maurice cutting loose.

Here's Kristine thinking about what time she had to pick up her dry cleaning before they closed.

***THIS JUST IN*** The EADJ Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index REFERENCED On CBS 2 News!

Submitted by J'Net, actual video of the 2/26 CBS News Weather Broadcast where Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") and Lonnie Quinn actually reference the "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter!"

Fast forward to the end of his forecast at 2:10 if you don't believe me:




(Video no longer available. Dammit.)




Transcript

Maurice: We'll keep an eye on the sleeve, the jacket, and all that.

Lonnie Quinn: That's right. Watch the Sleeve-o-monitor… the Sleeve-o-meter!




Holy shit. That can only mean that CBS 2 News has read the entries about the Lonnie Quinn-dex on EADJ and are referencing THIS VERY BLOG!!!!

No, really. Even if they didn't call it the Lonnie Quinn-dex, a quick Google search of the misnamed "Lonnie Quinn Sleeve-o-meter" showed Eat A Dick Joel as the FIRST SEARCH RESULT.

This is huge. So Lonnie, Maurice, and Kristine, if you are reading this, hi, I'm a really big fan of your newscast, and if one of you would utter the phrase "Eat A Dick Joel" on the air, I'd really appreciate it.

And please tell Alice Gainer I'm sorry I called her a homewrecker.

So How's Alice Gainer Doing On Channel 10/55/Whatever?

A few weeks ago we reported on the reporter Alice Gainer now holding down the desk at WLNY 10/55 instead of breaking up Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson, the best damned news team ever. So how is our former homewrecker doing over there?

 

Holdin' it down.

Gettin' it done.

Makin' it happen.

Readin' that prompter.

Reportin' those headlines.

Catchin' it live.

Doin' it up right.

Kickin' ass and takin' names. Also, reportin' those names.

Shakin' shit up.

Throwin' it all out there.

Takin' it as it comes.

Gleamin' the cube.

Maskin' the tape.

And AG isn't the only one moonlighting. Correspondent Tracee Carrasco (try typing that five times fast) is also burning the candle at both networks, working a sensible blouse by day...

And the Kermit the Frog reporter overcoat at night. Serious!

This, of course, frees Kristine Johnson up to pose for flower seed packet point of purchase displays.

Gainfully Employed

Spotted in the local Metro, good news for Alice Gainer- she got a full-time anchoring gig on a CBS affiliate!

No more homewrecking the perfect chemistry between Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson! Enjoy your new home, AG!

Kristine Johnson's Crotch Is Prime Real Estate

CBS 2 News apparently considers Kristine Johnson's netherparts suitable to project some branding as well as some handy info.

All I know is that it's 82º down there. Heyooooo!

Meanwhile, Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood") has leased advertising space on his ass to local restaurant Fernandez Steakhouse.

And in surprising unrelated news, correspondent Alice Gainer apparently has appeared in the Jeremy Renner movie "The Bourne Legacy." Hoonoo.

A Change In Lineup?

You regular reader(s) know that I enjoy my local newscasters, Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson on CBS 2 News. Why? Because not only they are a comely couple, their between-story banter has the proper balance of pleasant and quick.

Now, mind you, this type of banter is not easily attained. It is a delicate entity that can only be nourished by years of reading stories next to each other and learning each other's rhythms. And it's this light banter that helps ease a viewer from one horrific news story about an accidental beheading to another about a python eating an old folk's home. So imagine my surprise at turning to the national news at 6 and seeing THIS:

Has Maurice hit the big leagues? HE MADE IT TO THE SHOW?! When was I informed of this?! And who's taking Maurice's place back at the farm?

Mother of peroxide. Alice motherfuckin' Gainer is back to destroy a good thing. She just can't resist tearing Kristine from her man and absolutely destroying any good newsroom banter, can she? Alice Gainer. Goddammit.

False Alarm. Kristine Johnson Hasn't Left Channel 2 News.

She actually does the CBS2 News at 5pm and 11pm. I mistakenly thought she was replaced when I was watching the 6pm news and *that blonde woman* was running the desk.

I'm so glad you haven't left, Kristine. I promise I won't make fun of you again on this blog.

But you really might want to reconsider wearing green around the studio. Especially near the Weather Desk.

COME BACK KRISTINE

So I turned to Channel 2 News at 6 to watch my favorite anchors- Maurice DuBois (it means 'of wood') and Kristine Johnson- give me the straight poop on the goings on in New York/New Jersey. But I was shocked to see some blonde woman in a cheap party dress sitting there instead of Kristine. WHO IS THIS WOMAN, MAURICE, AND WHY IS SHE USING MY GOOD DISHES??!?!?!??!

"Alice Gainer?!" WHO THE SHIT IS THAT? Did you guys leave the camera on while letting the interns play anchor?

But then I remembered all the times on this blog that I made fun of Kristine Johnson. That must be why she quit. Yes, EADJ is solely responsible for Kristine Johnson's loss and Alice Gainer's gain.

I wish Kristine the best of luck in her secondary career path, posing for stock images:

You Can Tell A Lot About Pillow Protector's Customers By The Packaging

Audience 1: Old farts who love reading a lot more than they do playing hide the sausage (or walking the dog for that matter).

Audience 2: Unapproachable Asian woman reading Ayn Rand in a double bed. Her husband has left her, and she doesn't care. She is so misunderstood, just like Howard Roark in THE FOUNTAINHEAD!

Audience 3: Wait. Two questions: 1) Claritin makes pillow protectors? 2) Is that Kristine Johnson from Channel 2 News at 5?

Audience 4: Confident blonde sluts who don't have bugs in their coochie, thanks to sprinkling a little baking soda down there.