Douglas "Doug" Fetterbrandt On How To Remove Enormous Objects From Your Pussy

Ladies, it happens more often than you'd like to admit- you wake up after a crazy weekend, and you discover that somehow you've managed to get an utterly enormous object (like an umbrella stand or a tackle box) stuck in your vagina. Doug Fetterbrandt here, and I'm going to give you some commonsense tips on how to remove said huge items from that vagina of yours, toot sweet. Follow these helpful steps:

1) If the object in your pussy happens to have a handle (e.g. a moonshine bottle from a jugband or a tennis ball retriever) simply pull on the handle slowly.

2) It's probably more likely that the object wedged in your pussy doesn't have a handle. Well, in these cases, check to see if you can "palm" any of the surface (e.g. a watermelon or a punch bowl) to extract it.

3) Try to resist the temptation to use a foreign object to pry any gigantic objects from your pussy. The use of a fulcrum only risks you getting yet another object stuck up in there.

4) Sometimes you can press your abdomen with your hands to push a sizable object out of your pussy. Any object with edges (e.g. a car battery or a scale model of the city of Minas Tirith from Lord of The Rings) can be guided with your hands to the exit.

5) Just because an object was easy to get stuck in your pussy doesn't mean it will be easy to get out. Try visualizing any sharp edges or angled parts (e.g. a jai alai basket or a candelabra from Pier One Imports) so that they don't get stuck on your labia, or "pussy lips."

6) Try to relax. Often women with ginormous items stuck up their woo-woo make their situation worse by stressing out about explaining themselves to the bowling alley or the Jiffy Lube. Don't stress and everything will work out.

7) If you have to take a crap with a big honking thing in your pussy, go right ahead. The female anatomy was made to adapt so that you could still go number two with a leather armrest from a Barcolounger or a ukelele stuck in yergina.

I hope these tips have been helpful to some of you ladies who have gotten some mongo huge thing stuck up your pussies. I wish you luck in their removal and am always at your service when it comes to sensitive subjects like this.