Electronics manufacturers are flocking to the Van Nuys Convention Center next week to show off their newest consumer products. Attendees have been lining up since last week in anticipation of these groundbreaking reveals. Here are a few of the showstopping new releases that have most people excited:
• A wire-free soup warmer you can wear as a hat
• Staple removers that can give you an orgasm, even if it's usually difficult for you to achieve one
• A very jealous voice assistant that constantly accuses you of loving Tanya more
• Efficient washing machines that run on clean energy and a small cup of your newborn's blood plasma
• A new Android app that absolutely refuses to chop your dick off, no matter how likely it seems
• A laminating machine designed for the home office that won't stop talking about Slow Horses spoilers
• Subscription based kevlar jackets
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