Some More Terrible But Available Porn Names

Welcome to the porn industry! You probably have a lot of questions but we need to take care of a couple things first. First of all, before we get you fluffed, you'll need to pick a porn name. Here's a fishing hat full of porn names. You can help yourself to any of them, but fair warning– a lot of these suck:

Him

Unger Arms

Helmut Polisher

Hugh Lu

Dan Yankees

Pubicus Ainsworth

Her

Vermina Urine

Aunt Tifa

Pam Frites

Annette Flix

Carmen Sandy Anus

A Couple More Unwanted Taglines For An Old, Unseen Movie

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On The Name of a Marriott Residence Meeting Room in Deptford, NJ

Movie studios are running out of ideas fast. So they are resorting to desperate measures, like starting entire movie franchises on matchbook covers and Dixie cup riddles. This time, four major studios are in a violent bidding war to release a film with the title "Breakfast Overflow." Here are their pitches:

Sony Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" starring Michelle Monaghan and Josh Gad. An unsuspecting newlywed couple finds a supernatural toaster at a flea market and find themselves surrounded by an endless supply of delicious breakfast foods. This puts a strain on their marriage and even causes them to reconsider getting another dog. Directed by Anna Foerster (Underworld: Blood Wars).

Universal Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Eli Roth. This self-aware grindhouse horror flick portrays a boyfriend and girlfriend (Joshua Jackson and Zoe Saldana) who get lost while hiking in the backwoods of the Deep South. They're captured by a cult run out of a converted IHOP restaurant and are forced to try all 67 signature plates in one sitting. Special gore effects by master Shane Mahan.

Disney/Pixar Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Bird. A lonely English muffin (voiced by Kaya Scodelario) left on the shelf of a Costco finds friendship, heartbreak and love with the help of a sausage (John Ratzenberger), a grapefruit (Danai Gurira), two eggs (Simon Pegg and Jane Horrocks) and a Belgian waffle (Jean Claude Van Damme). Soundtrack by Randy Newman.

Warner Brothers Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Peyton. A factory that produces microwave breakfast foods gets overtaken by corporate terrorists (Robert Patrick, Adam Driver and Jamie Hector), and it's up to one security guard (Dwayne Johnson) to grab a spatula and take them all over easy. Also starring Jacob Tremblay as a kid lost during a tour and Elizabeth Gillies as the receptionist-cum-munitions expert.

What the Fuck™?

Attention ad copywriters: Using everyday interjections for your taglines is unacceptable. Stop it.

Adopting a common phrase to sell your product has been a well-established method in advertising, and it's mostly been acceptable. Like Pabst Blue Ribbon's "What'll You Have?" or McDonald's "I'm Loving It." Familiar phrases that took on an additional meaning thanks to an association with a company's name.




But when you call dibs on "Whoo Hoo!" or "Yay!" you're overstepping your bounds. You're hoping that people will eventually hear someone say "Yay" and want a shitty ice cream cake or some substandard vanilla in a sugarcone. Or hear someone say "Whoo hoo!" and suddenly think about financing their car payments. God, you suck.

What next?




Stealing from the public lexicon is still stealing. And desperately uncreative. So fucking stop it, already. Come up with some original words like "Snickerlicious" or "Epsonality." And you know what? Bud Light trying to "own" the word dude is not okay, either.

It's a Long Way to the Joel (If You Wanna Eat a Dick)

This EADJ Guest Writer Week has sort of fallen to shit, so we're going to just bag it for now. Maybe a guest entry from Joel sometime. That would be funny. A whole entry talking about how much he eats dick, by HIMSELF. So meta!

Today Joel had his regular regimen of bran cereal and dick to get started in the morning, then a sensible lunch of dick with lime and pesto. Tonight he will be going to Dicko Bell to scarf a Gordicka Crunch and a Seven Layer Burdicko. Then he's going to The Loews Dickaplex Odeon to watch "Ten Dicks I Ate About You" and "Alpha Dick" starring Jusdick Dickerlake.

(pictured above, a Canon technician wonders what's a five-letter word for "Sculptor's subject.")