UAG

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Wait, I thought you were a GOOD centipede, not the strangling kind!"

"I seek the woman who I danced with last night—only her foot will fit into this glass Croc."

"Ahhhh. That actually feels kind of refreshing!"

"The only thing worse than a massacre at this party full of dudes and bros is if this party full of dudes and bros hadn't been interrupted at all!"

"I know you don't want to let him chop off and eat your foot, Cassie, but he's your uncle."

Old Fashioned Sugar Cookies

"The Magic of Cakes", My Ass

 A birthday candle display at a nearby DQ trumpets "The Magic of Cakes":

Kind of an overpromise, ya think, DQ? Cakes are great, but let's be realistic here.

• Have cakes ever significantly canceled student debt in any part of the country?

• No cakes in the past 50 years have ever de-escalated a hostage situation.

• Fish: Yummy; Fish cakes: I'll pass

• In 99.99% of marriages that have ended up failing, a cake was at the wedding.

• Firearms ballistics experts have calculated that even the thickest layer cake cannot stop a .38 bullet.

Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's conservative radio show continues to dominate the radio market. And how does he do that? By floating out the weirdest, most out there conspiracies that his staff of writers can pull out of their ass. Here are the newest conspiracy stories that they're hoping will catch on:

• Head On—apply directly to forehead—is actually nuclear waste collected from Chernobyl. That's why it works!

• Al Gore's 2006 documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" used 4 trillion drums of oil just to get the film printed.

• Androgynous mannequins indoctrinate our kids into wanting to wear perverted "unisex" clothing.

• Banjos are actually elaborate hand-strummed kazoos, and banjo players are just humming.

• If you take the last word of dialogue from every Pixar movie from the past 13 years, it says "The, Far, Left, Lunatics, Are, Trying, To, Destroy, America, With, Woke, TV, Shows"

An Imagined Conversation

"Jake, Nathan, put your shoes on."

"Yay! Are we going to go play pickleball?"

"No, you're going with me to a photoshoot."

"But we don't want to be models like you, Dad!"

"I want to be an MMA fighter!"

"Just this once, boys. I got a callback for a lifestyle shoot for CVS."

"Aw man."

"No, Nathan. It's gonna be fun. All we have to be is the adult son and the two grandkids of the main model, who's receiving their CVS prescription."

"So we just stand there?"

"Yeah. To show that we're supportive family members when our elders need us. Like how I need you two to come along with me on this shoot instead of wasting time at the pickleball court."

"Aw man."

Introducing Breakout Groups at the Next VidCon!!!

VidCon 2025 is looking to be another fantastic gathering of influencers and online personalities. This time, organizers are adding Breakout Groups– a way for fans to connect with and learn from their favorite podcasters and creators. Here are the first Breakout Groups for sign up:

• Comedy Bang Bang demonstrates how to write everything but a joke

• Jeffrey Star will tell you to go get him a coffee. IN PERSON

• Join the prankster creators Cog & SweeHee as they literally assault random people on the street. JUST A PRANK BRO!

• Learn how to complete your GED with @GED_COMPLETA

• Build furniture with Jason Bateman. He doesn't know how to make furniture, either, but both of you could learn a little something together.

Bergdorf Goodman, Are You Okay?

Spotted in some ad banners for the historic luxury department store (these are real):

My only explanation for this is that Bergdorf Goodman, in order to stay relevant to its wealthy audience, has pivoted to supplying all of their Eyes Wide Shut-style Fidelio parties.

No idea what that green Slimer-from-Ghostbusters-thing-with-a-front-butt is at the top, though.

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-June Edition

These next two from the non-editor of "DC & Marvel Life":

"HE'VE"? LOL

Celebrating 28 Years of "I Know What You Did Last Summer"

The surprise thriller series "I Know What You Did Last Summer" starring Jennifer, Love, and Hewitt is celebrating 28 years since its first movie's release. Here now is a quick rundown of all the films that followed it:

"I Know What You Did Last Summer" (1997)

"I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" (1998)

"I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer" (2006)

"I Seem To Be A Little Fixated On What You Did Last Summer" (2007)

"Bono What You Did Last Summer" (2008)

"I Know What You Did Last Summer (Celebrity Edition)" TV series (2008-2011)

"I Know What You Did Last Christmas (I Gave You My Heart)" (2010)

"I'm Not Going To Let You Gaslight Me Into Not Remembering What You Did Last Summer" (2012)

"YOU Know What You Did Last Summer" (2014)

"IKWYDLS: The New Generation Of Non-Forgetful, Doomed Witnesses" (2016)

"The Fast and the Know What You Did Last Summerous" (2017)

"I Fucking Know What You Fucking Did Last Fucking Summer" (Unrated) (2018)

"Ah Know What Y'all Done Last Summer, Y'hear?" (2020)

"I Know What You Did Last Summer and Am Willing To Meet You In A Public Place To Settle This Because You Don't Want Your Wife To Find Out About This, Do You?" (2021)

"ChatGPT Knows What You Did Last Summer" (2025)

BTW

His name is not Franken Berry. He's Franken Berry's Monster.

Ain't That a Bitch?

You pay for a nice, expensive pedicure just to get raptured right after.

 

Spotted at Walgreens

Some mixed signals from the big W:

UAG

You Voted? Great.

When you think about it, getting an "I Voted" sticker is unnecessary. Voting is a civic duty– you're supposed to vote. Why get a sticker for something you should be doing anyway?

Here are some other stickers you should earn, using that logic:

New EADJ Segment: Lame Vintage Leno Monologue!

The ProofrEADJer: Early June Edition

I think they mean Atlantis, although Atlanta is lovely, too.

Mike Collins better put the hammer down on his proofreader.

Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones continues to push his writers to come up with the batshit craziest conspiracy lunacy to inject into public discourse. Here are the latest conspiracies that he will inject into his upcoming shows:

• Starbucks are communist collectives designed to poison capitalist workers with overpriced caffeine to make them TOO productive.

• People who work at aquariums around the country are all Mormon socialists, planning to marry all the dolphins and spread the fish/wealth

• Grimace is actually a large virulent fungus engineered by McDonald's to devour all uneaten burgers in parking lots

• Public librarians have been trained by the Mossad to assassinate anyone who defaces children's books about Hanukkah

• Soul legend Ray Charles was a foreign operative, and his song "Georgia On My Mind" was about the Georgian Soviet Socialist Republic that he missed so much

Spotted at An Art Festival

Pro tip: When running a food business, try to avoid the word “anus” in your Instagram handle.

Let's Say Goodbye To Some Shit!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!