• Starbucks are communist collectives designed to poison capitalist workers with overpriced caffeine to make them TOO productive.
• People who work at aquariums around the country are all Mormon socialists, planning to marry all the dolphins and spread the fish/wealth
• Grimace is actually a large virulent fungus engineered by McDonald's to devour all uneaten burgers in parking lots
• Public librarians have been trained by the Mossad to assassinate anyone who defaces children's books about Hanukkah
• Soul legend Ray Charles was a foreign operative, and his song "Georgia On My Mind" was about the Georgian Soviet Socialist Republic that he missed so much
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