Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The half Pug with the limp (or strut?)

Me: The Border Collie chasing that leaf

Heeeey! I think we made a connection over by the poop trash can! I'm new in town! You wanna grab coffee later? Bye!

You: The Boston Terrier with the leather collar

Me: The shy Maltese

I never do these types of things, but you caught my eye and I noticed you still have your balls. Call me?

You: the Cockapoo

Me: the Pomsky

Hello! We mixed breeds should hang out and possibly invent some new breeds! (Is that too forward?)

A Few Questions For the Set Decorator of the 1986 Film "Top Gun"

• Why is there a bulletin board in the men's locker room right by the showers? Wouldn't all that moisture make the notices and paper wet?

• Why put it right in front of a bench where wet people would lean against it and get ink all over themselves?

• Why would they need to put FIGHTER WEAPONS SCHOOL at the top of it if all the trainees already knew where they were?

• Why is there a Navy recruiting poster? They're already enrolled in the Navy.

• What is a 'Bandit Day'? This was never mentioned in the film.

• Is Maverick interested in that used guitar for sale? Does he even have the time to pick up a hobby like that?

• Who approves what notices can or cannot be posted on the bulletin board? Is it CAG Stinger? It is, isn't it?

UAG

Kickstarter's Funded and Failed Projects, April 2022

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the most successful crowdfunding campaigns for this month:  

• Toddler clothes for adults to wear while they're using coloring books for adults

• Digital bladeless pizza cutter

• Luggage that grunts when you sit on it to close the zipper when it's overpacked

• A DVD box set of Guardians of the Galaxy films with all of Groot's dialogue replaced with Beastie Boys' Ad Rock saying "DRRROPP?"

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the least successful crowdfunding campaigns of this month: 

• Tap shoes for goths

• Cold sore cream that smells like former White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's asshole

• Titty lathe

• Eco-friendly disposable water bottles that actually break down after 30 million years

• Cat belts

The ProofrEADJer: End of April Edition

Episode Summaries From This Week's Chicago Whatevers

Chicago P.D.

• Sergeant Wilson gives up on learning origami

• Wallace and Bronchi respond to gunshots near the South Loop, don't see anything and find a vendor that sells real char-dogs!

• Inspector Lacey's relationship with her therapist prompts her to get another therapist.

Chicago Med

• Garcia quits as administrator so she can run for state senate. Nobody notices.

• Dr. Kilby and Dr. Schuul argue over whether the #21 scalpel should go to the left or right of the prep table.

• Somebody's cute dog is let loose on the fourth floor and causes a literal riot.

Chicago Fire

• Battalion Chief Nimitz wonders where that delicious smell of oysters is coming from.

• Fire Chief Drummond and Hannah have a long overdue heart-to-heart talk while sliding down the pole.

• Lieutenant Hoffs accidentally backs the fire engine into a hydrant and everyone gets to cool off in slow motion.

UAG

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain Why 4/20=Marijuana

"Ugh... That's actually a pretty good questio... gah. *Kaff* Apparently according to... ouch... urban legend, a group of Californian teenagers... ACK! ...teenagers regularly smoked marijuana every... *cough* day at 4:20 pm. (gulp)  The ritual... *gasp* ... spread, and soon 420 became code for smoking marijuana. Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. E...eventually 420 was even converted into... ouch... 4/20 for calendar purposes, and the day of celebration was born!"

*skull is crushed and his eyes pop out of their sockets*

Motorcycle Pouch Was Happy

Motorcycle Pouch was happy.

Bike Rack Bracket was unshaven and surprised.

Console just remembered a funny joke he should tell.

Jiffy Lube Tanks wanted to stay out of it.

Contortionist Robot had the right idea.

Papper Towels and Boot had a great idea.

Two White Barriers decided to break up and mingle a little bit, although one was miffed about it.

The ProofrEADJer: Mid April Edition

Time To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Marketers Will Have You Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye-Bye! Bye!

“Wherever You Go, No Matter What the Weather, Always Bring Your Own Pathmark.”

A Trash Entry

Spotted in Union, NJ: A dumpster that I imagine is really fun to throw shit into, provided you yell "HUDACKO!" when doing so.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor, Da Nail Creative Salon

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It feels so good to be in DA NAIL! You can almost live here!

A Teeth Entry

Fucking terrifying.

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Cut... My throat!"

[Translated from the Italian]:

"Oh no! What a situation– My pants are accidentally down and this beautiful woman is in the elevator with me, and we're heading straight for the crowded ballroom!"

"Wait, don't go away. I just wanted to ask you about that guy you're with. Are you two dating?"

"I know you don't believe that I'm a werewolf. I'll have to wait until the next full moon, which is in... (checks phone) 11 days... to prove it to you!"

"Game, set, STDs!"

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Every so often, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• The Real Fake Bitches of Wherever

• Game Show: Is This Cake or Cancer?

• Hillbilly Hospital: Mostly Moonshine Still Explosion Injuries

• Footage of Jamiroquai Sleeping

• High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Making Of Documentary: The Cereal

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Star Wars: The Origin Story of That 3rd Jawa From The Left

• Flip That Hospice!

• Dirty, Boring Jobs That Don't Play Well On Television

• Prawn Stars

• White-Ish

• MSNBC's Round Table of Perpetual Agreement