The EADJ Facebook Defender

Previous EADJ Facebook Defriender entries here.

It's time once again to cut the Facebook chaff from the Facebook wheat. I have more FB friends that I care to stay in touch with anyway. So it was easy to cut S_____ loose from my digital life.

He's actually a nice guy and all, but I haven't seen him since 2007 and he's in London now.

One of the main reasons I'm cutting him loose is because his posts are insufferable. He fancies himself a photographer with his cell phone shots.

And to be fair, he does have some talent, but he just posts this shit ALL THE TIME and he documents the place and time like anyone gives a shit. "Oh, that's what a coffee looks like in Barcelona at 2am? Gee!" 

So, goodbye S_______. I won't miss your constant photography exhibit.

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

Previous EADJ Defriender entries here.

I have a pretty high tolerance for people in real life, but on Facebook I do not suffer fools gladly. And I sure as hell don't suffer MAGA fools at all. That's why when R____ posted a response agreeing with this shitty, oversimplifying political meme, I had to cut the tether with her.

I mean, I could've tried to explain to her that gas prices were more connected to the DarkSide ransomware attack on the Colonial Pipeline that caused shortages of gasoline and panic buying on the East Coast of the U.S. or triggered by the lack of tank truck drivers to deliver the fuel, plus panic buying by travelers topping off their tanks, but have you ever debated a Trump supporter? Fuck that. Bye, R____.

R_____, your guy lost and is hopefully headed to jail! You'll miss him for sure, then. I won't miss either of youse.

The EADJ Facebook De-Friender Returns

Sometimes one post is all it takes to want you to drop a Facebook friend forever. Harsh? Maybe. But check this shit out and tell me you wouldn't do the same:

Bye bye, G_________! Away from my News Feed!

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

In this installment, we give a hearty goodbye to C_______ from R_________ for using her Wall as a public form of self-affirmation, which is not a crime unto itself, but judging by the posts, either a ton of her friends have consistently betrayed her, or she just posts shit like this to make sure they never do. Translation: extreme manufactured drama by a very entitled person who doesn't have time for this shit but uses ALL HER TIME to post about it.

Here is a sampling of posts C______ made in the LAST WEEK:

And all this came to a head yesterday when C_____ posted this head-scratcher:

So many questions. First one being what does "turn up" mean. Like any other old man, I had to go to Urban Dictionary for clarity:

The other (maybe bigger) question is, why is poor Kermit the Frog part of this? Why has thatsnoneofmybusinesstho co-opted him, of all characters? Maddening. (Careful clicking on that link. You might get an overdose of sass.)

Amen, sister. Bye!

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

I've got plenty of FB friends. I can afford to lose one or two. Like D_______ who posted this dumb and vaguely racist meme on her Wall:

Come again? What are you saying now? If there were more corporal punishment, kids wouldn't go around acting like wannabe gangsta thugs, is that the lesson? Or is it a very roundabout way of saying that black kids need to be spanked more? Whatever, man. My brain can't close the loop for you if you don't meet it halfway.

Yeah, D____, you were spanked and look how you turned out. Inarticulate and simplistic. BYE BYE!

This film has not been rated.

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

As I've said before, I am an easygoing person and value my friendships, but on Facebook, I am Josef Stalin and will not suffer fools gladly. Especially since Facebook friendships are about as genuine as Raweos are genuine cookies (Wow, 2-hour-old reference!).

So today we are going to defriend a high school acquaintance from North Carolina whose only crime was having an overly zealous friend, one who instantly attributed some unseasonable weather to the Rapture. Think I'm kidding? Read this shit (I replaced S____'s profile photo with a North Carolina icon and her friend's profile photo with Maude Flanders):

Is that really in Scripture?

The earth was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. So God made it sleet a little in part of the Southern United States but only for a few minutes. For this- when mankind cannot tell one season from the other-was a sign unto men that the end was nigh.

This does mark the first time someone has been defriended solely on the behavior of their other friend. So what.

Oh happy day! No longer friends!

The EADJ Defriender, Dirty Dancing Edition

In real life, I'm a pretty easygoing guy. My close friends are important to me, and because I care so deeply about them, any missteps or quirks that they have are happily ignored.

But with Facebook friends, it's different. Since I'm so indiscriminate with my FB friends (I have over 500 now), I can be a total asshole and dump them at the drop of a hat.

Such is the case with Tr______ _______ from ________. I knew Tr______ from _________ and haven't seen her in person in about, what, 25 years? Here was a recent wall post of hers that convinced me to sever all ties:

"Nobody puts babe in the corner?" What the fuck, Tr_____?!

If there is one thing I cannot abide, it's GETTING THE MOST FAMOUS QUOTE FROM A MOVIE WRONG. Fuck, especially if you pride yourself in knowing the script WORD FOR WORD.

GET THE QUOTE RIGHT, TR________!

And it's in A corner, you moron, not THE corner. For crying out loud, Tr_____. Goodbye forever.

(I replaced Tr_____'s profile photo with a shot of beef jerky to protect her identity.)

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

 

It's time once again to prune the tree of friendship. Not something we particularly enjoy, but once in a while a Facebook friend becomes so unbearable that it's time to cut 'em loose. This one is L________ from R_____, __ who has regularly flooded my news feed with odd phrases which I soon learned were overwrought lyrics from his favorite songs. Lyrics. Like he's drunk and singing outside my living room window. "Hey, you remember Bob Seger, right? Working on our NIGHT MOVES..."

And sure, everyone is entitled to post their favorite lyric or whatever, but not THE ENTIRE SONG, LINE BY LINE IN SEPARATE POSTS.

And you know he didn't type all that out- ⌘C, ⌘V

I've blurred out his name and replaced his profile pic to protect L______'s identity:

 

 

And I don't have anything against Dave Matthews or Peter Frampton, mind you.

 

So I just picture L______ chilling at home on the sofa with his tunes cranking, and he's on his laptop, typing everything he hears. "Ahh, a nice, relaxing evening of transcribing Dave Matthews, polluting the newsfeed of everyone I know."

 

He'll never love you, the way that I love you 'Cause if he did, no no, he wouldn't make you cry He might be thrillin' baby but a-my love (My love, my love)  So dog-gone willin', so kiss him (I wanna see you kiss him, wanna see you kiss him) Go on and kiss him goodbye, now 


(chorus)
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye 

(fade out)