Happy All Hallows Eve From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ wish you the Happiest of Halloweens, hoping you get all full-sized, brand name candy bars and zero grandma candy. Be safe out there, children!

Procedures and Treatments NOW Approved By Your Health Insurance!

Historically, the country's major healthcare insurance providers have been very restrictive of the types of treatments they'll pay for, from adult dental services to infertility treatments to long-term care for seniors.

But in a recent progressive move, the nation's major health insurance companies have all agreed to expand their coverage. Here is a short list of the medical services they will now pay for:

• Sprained wrist from writing checks to them

• the "vapors"

• offsite gynecological exams

• stumpism

• Kohl's Disease

• Affluenza

• Any leg or foot therapy from lobbying in Washington for any legislation to favor major healthcare providers

• The Alabama Shakes

• kink shame

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: 2019 Winter Collection

Athletic wear + skort = modern Highlander

Submitted by Tom Weingard: 2,900 miles away from Haight Ashbury

I came across these two gentlemen taking a break after heckling from a balcony on the Muppet Show.

These people have found God but their pants both have skeptical expressions.

Superdad lets his 2 year old dress him (or is that Macklemore?).

And On The Left Side of The Plane, Racist Appliances

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Percy Sledge Songs: An In Depth Behind The Scenes Look At All of Percy Sledge's Songs Besides "When A Man Loves A Woman"

• A Mob-Run Aaron's Rents Furniture

• The Masked, Bound And Gagged Singer

• Tasty Kake Bukakke

• Unsupervised Kids Say The Darnedest Things

• Help! I'm A Celebrity On a Netflix Show Nobody Watches!

Due to periodic contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Sonia Screwed Up

• Lou Bega Lists All 5,681 of His Sexual Partners in New Verses To "Mambo No. 5"

• Horse Piss: The History of American Beer

• The Instagram Comedian Euthanasia Project

• That's Not Guacamole!

• A Show Where We Point Out The Clever T-shirts That We're Wearing

• Boobs: A Nun's Tale

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

See what happens when you compliment DDG on his "cute outfit"?

She looks bored but good. Keep as is.

There's baked, and then there's papier-mâché baked.

Leave that mask on, Don. Maybe it'll give your eyelids a chance to catch up to the tan on the rest of your face.

BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!!

The album cover for "I Feel Like Dirt". Gee, I wonder what their second thought idea was.

Ain't no shame in a pizza delivery job. Spider-Man did it.

Iggy Azalea would like you to think she's some kind of Disney Princess. Which is sort of accurate when it comes to cultural appropriation.

Crime, conspicuous consumption and pride. But do rappers really want to associate themselves with the president's resort?

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Previous dumb entries here.

"Dry hump me to orgasm, Frankie!"

"That ain't tea- that's my weed! Snoogy snoogins cheerio 'n shit, fat boy!"

"I dunno about you, Sven, but I still can't get that fucking song out of my head!"

"That's the last time I let the Conquistador drive my aircraft carrier through Teepee Village!"

(unintelligible mumbling)

"Mom and Dad, the nightingale told me what happened! And let me tell you so that the audience can understand what the heck is going on in this thrown-together horror movie!"

"This soda was flat, but I'm still burping! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?"

UAG

A Few Burning Questions About the Local Pizzeria's Box Graphics

1) Where is everybody?

2) Is this in Italy?

3) Did they evacuate everyone in the town because of radiation or a gas leak?

4) Was that nice couple's dinner interrupted during the evacuation?

5) Why is their table in the middle of the street? Is it because the sidewalk was littered with potted plants?

6) How was the couple supposed to eat that pizza without a pizza cutter or napkins?

7) Is that a midget chef bringing even more pizza to the table?

8) Why is he not dead from radiation/inhaling gas?

9) Did the radiation/gas leak turn all the plants red?

10) Why is the chef's pizza cut into pieces but not the one on the table?

11) Is this a nightmare I'm in? It is, isn't it?

Three Chords And the Pathmark

Another List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop singer Ariana Grande's entire public identity is built on the idea that she's cute as a button, and perhaps the cutest thing ever. But we here at EADJ would like to respectively suggest a few other things that have been scientifically proven to be cuter than her. List, begin!:

• Baby Yoda from "The Mandalorian"

End of list.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Serve Diagonally In Ping Pong

1) The ball must rest on an open hand palm, then it must be tossed up at least 6 inches and struck so the ball first bounces on the server's side and then the opponent's side.

2) If the serve is legal except that it touches the net, it is called a "let serve". Let serves are not scored and are reserved.

And speaking of serves, if you hire my limo, please know that I am the DRIVER, not a butler. You can get your own food. It's shocking that people automatically think I'm some kind of manservant for $120/hour. Be safe, kids.

And More Puddles of New York City, Identified By Pantone Number

Previous installments of this stupid segment are here.

Program note: Although Pantone is still commonly used throughout the publishing and marketing industry, we have added HEX numbers for digital applications and for millennials who have never heard of Pantone fans.

Update: We just realized that using the symbol "#" doesn't translate as "number" to millennials, so now they're all going to be confused, checking Instagram for trending hashtags, #Jeez