The More You Ignore Me The Pathmark I Get

How To Judge The Tom Select "Jesse Stone" Movies As If They Were Colognes

Cologne: Innocents Lost

Shape of Bottle: A large glass gavel

Base Note: Suede leather

Top Note: Virgin urine

Marketing Tagline: "A fragrance to celebrate the age of consent."

Cologne: Night Passage

Shape of Bottle: A glass tunnel formed by shrubs

Base Note: Corpse

Top Note: Wet morning grass

Marketing Tagline: "What to wear when she'll let you go down that alley."

Cologne: No Remorse

Shape of Bottle: A gigantic metallic smug goatee

Base Note: Swag

Top Note: Pig testosterone

Marketing Tagline: "Terrible first date? Whatever."

Cologne: Sea Change

Shape of Bottle: A glass version of Beck's seminal 2002 album "Sea Change"

Base Note: Sea foam

Top Note: Pocket change

Marketing Tagline: "When she smells this shit on you, SEA her expression CHANGE."

Cologne: Thin Ice

Shape of Bottle: A glass shard of ice (or an ice shard of glass?)

Base Note: Aqua Velva

Top Note: Icy Hot

Marketing Tagline: "The most romantic icepack for groin injuries"

Cologne: Stone Cold

Shape of Bottle: A tiny glass gazebo, by the looks of it

Base Note: Curiosity

Top Note: Mango farts

Marketing Tagline: "Hide that chicken wing scent before picking her up."

Announcing: 6 Lies Told, Rebooted

It's been a while since we trotted out the ol' 6 Lies Told segment, and now that it's 2017 (well, almost), EADJ is proud to unleash 6 LIES TOLD Rebooted, a new program that lets you earn double the 6 Lies Told points than the previous program, points you can redeem for fabulous 6LT merchandise at all participating Walgreens and Bagel Chalet locations.

Today we examine the 6 Lies Told by Aaron & Jessica's Amish Buggy Rides brochure.

1) Turns out Jessica's Buggy Rides is NOT Lancaster County's only ride operated by Amish, Brethren and Mennonites. Sampson and Doug E. Fresh's Buggy Rides is another ride in Lancaster County, and it is operated by Amish, Brethren, Mennonites, and the Get Fresh Crew.

2) If you ask Jessica's dad "How do you reformat an SD card?' he will pretend not to know, but then he'll suggest erasing your card in a disk utility hooked up to a universal card reader. Then he'll say something weird, like you should select “MS-DOS (FAT)” if the card is 32 GB or smaller, and if it’s a 64GB card, select “ExFAT."

3) Actually you may not take pictures- even if you ask. They're just saying that on the brochures to get you in there. Just you watch, boy.

4) Rachel is Jessica's sister by birth, but in practice she is Jessica's greatest nemesis, ready to pounce when she is at her weakest, just biding her time until she can strike mercilessly into Jessica's heart and vanquish her, thus proving to the world how unworthy an opponent Jessica always was.

5) Ronks Road doesn't run that way. It runs NORTHWEST. Jeez, who drew this dumb map? Somebody without GPS- I'll tell you that.

6) The Amish schools, shops, stores, stands, horse dealer, barber shop, buggy factory, hat shop, furniture shop and grocery store are all located inside the same 10x16 shed over by the pear tree.

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To commemorate 6 Lies Told Rebooted, 6 Lies Told has partnered with the Dow Corning Company to create a special "6 Lies Told" anti-absorbing polymer, manufactured specially for detecting lies told in space. NASA has called the polymer "impressive," while Neil Degrasse Tyson sported a vest made up entirely of the new polymer when debunking B.o.B.'s flat earth theories. The polymer can be bought in 80 gallon and 60 gallon drums, available only at Bed Bath and Beyond.

A Pair of IM Convos

This from Bill Dow:


And this one from Andrew Gall:



Insert "I'll be Bach" joke here.