UAG

Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week

Greetings, all. This is Gordon from corporate.

No, none of you are in trouble, but it been brought to my attention that this office has been slightly behind the cycle in doing timesheets. Now, being the fiscal bulldog that I am, I had to contact you all directly to stress the importance of DOING YOUR FUCKING TIMESHEETS EVERYDAY. Projects due in an hour? Stop and do your timesheet anyway. Late for a hot date night with your husband? Who cares. Do your timesheet. Building on fire? You can do your timesheets from your phone. Really, there is NO EXCUSE.

Here are this week's timesheets, which I expect you all to fill out by EOD (especially you, Myers):

447553: Pumping up the jam

302404: Filling your laugh lines with cocaine

009261: Taking a kid to Build A Bear Workshop and not buying anything

920427: Slam dunkin' hoes

210749: Inventing and developing the toothpaste jelly donut

820455: Binge watching all 63 seasons of "All My Children"

397576: Honking all over this chick's funbags

631223: Returning Ann Taylor Loft merchandise at a regular Ann Taylor store

342855: Pausing your shit fit for a coffee run

111111: Realizing that making a "duck bill" with Pringles in your mouth is not unique

577321: Finding someplace to unload your Better Than Ezra CDs

492003: Saving Lois Lane for the fucking umpteenth time

The ProofrEADJer: Augustus Editionus

It's "Hillary," idiot.

Dear Tara, 

If you insist on putting the word "gourmet" on everything, at least spell it right once.

Sorry, The Pathmark You Are Trying To Reach Is Not In Service. Sorry You Are Having Trouble. Goodbye.

The Owner of The Bar Called O' Malley's Speaks Out On His Role In the Lyrics Of The Song "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"

Let me start off by saying I am grateful for all the attention my bar has gotten from the Rupert Holmes 1979 hit "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)." For years before that song was released, my location on Main Street was good, but the flow of traffic was somehow all going to Donovan's down the street closer to the beach. But since that song hit the charts (and eventually became the 11th best selling single of 1980 on the Billboard Hot 100, I hear), business couldn't be better.

But for all of that, I'm afraid I do have to take issue with the role my bar has played in that travesty of a yacht-rock song. First of all, I'm a devout Catholic (surprise, being an O'Malley, eh?), and any depiction of infidelity– even if it's just lyrical– just rubs me the wrong way. Yes, I know that the singer and his "lady" were never depicted as married per se, but still.

I guess the second issue I have with it is more personal. See, I'm had a rock 'n roll childhood. Grew up on Black Sabbath and Zeppelin. Still listen to them. And I try to run a nice, down to earth pub with decent fixtures and a jukebox with some decent rock on it. So this association my bar has with this admittedly catchy but seriously LIMP-DICKED MUZAK SONG doesn't sit well with me at all. Gave me ulcers in the 80s, in fact.

Look man, I'm just (literally) minding my business, tending bar and cleaning up, and this long haired guy with white slacks, Hawaiian shirt opened down to his belly, and mirror shades sits down and orders a pina colada. Yeah, at an Irish bar.

So while I'm standing there figuring how to either concoct one of those blender drinks or punch the guy in the throat, this woman with feathered hair, flared polyester pants and the biggest sun hat I've ever seen sits down next to the bloke.

They instantly recognize each other and start laughing about something or other. Then the guy hails me and orders TWO piña coladas now. I'm about to throw the two of those hippies out, but it suddenly starts raining outside. Customers at the outside tables come rushing in, but those two forget about the drinks they ordered and run out into the rain towards the beach. Morons.

UAG

Your Timesheets For This Week

TO: ALL RECIPIENTS, BOSTON OFFICE

FROM: AUTOMATIC TIMESHEET MAILBOT

BEGINNING AUTOMATED MESSAGE:::

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WASSUP BITCHES

TIME TO FILL OUT YOUR TIMESHEETS BEFORE THE WEEK IS OVER. PLEASE REFER TO THE ENCLOSED .XLT FILE FOR THE RELEVANT JOB NUMBERS FOR WHATEVER ASSIGNMENT YOU'RE WORKING ON

FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATIC TERMINATION. J/K I GOT YOU FOR A SECOND THERE LOL. I BET I HAD YOU GOING, JAMIEL.

ANYWHO, HERE ARE YOUR JOB NUMBERS:

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

53964: Making love out of nothing at all

93550: Stopping short of a full Presidential endorsement

61632: Reporting to the Better Business Bureau that the massage parlor didn't give you "full release"

39399: Tweeting your fucking lunch

09009: Instagramming your fucking lunch

29282: Facebooking your fucking lunch

22194: Finally eating your fucking lunch

07353: Tripping a little and walking it off like you were picking up the pace

22186: Creating an infographic of Kevin James' entire filmography

20459: Challenging Joyce to a M*A*S*H trivia contest

56100: Jerking off to that hot older woman on "Shark Tank"

86651: Really regretting making that taco joke to that Mexican guy in accounting

The ProofrEADJer: Almost August And Everything After Edition

Sweat Pants, Hair Tied, Chillin' With No Makeup On, That's When You're Racist Appliances

More Terrible Taglines For A Movie We All Forgot About (Or Never Heard Of To Begin With)

This Week's Least Used Hashtags

Twitter is an ugly woman who acts like she's a runway model. Twitter is a dish of stale rest stop pizza that is being sold as filet mignon. Twitter is a D rate actor billing himself as the next Sam Worthington. Twitter is a two legged dog with a boner dragging itself along a shag carpet. These are this week's least used Twitter hashtags that you can use for your own stupid Tweets:

##oxycontingiveaway

#SpaghettiOsfitonmydick

#vinylglovefilledwithfarts

#Netflixandletsjustbefriendsokay

#sorrynotsorryokayactuallysorry

#theBazookaJoecinematicuniverse

#stranglingtheguyfromDepecheMode

#lookingfabulouswhileevictingafamilyoffive

#itsactuallynotcomplicatedijusthaveterribletasteinmen

#itturnsoutEddieMoneyonlyhadonetickettoparadisebutlied

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

MC Wile E. Coyote has a plan. Produced by ACME Studios.

But before E.T. boarded his spaceship and headed home, he lifted his finger and told Future, "I'll be right here... for an unnecessary collabo with Drake and 2 Chainz."

"I see you've recently changed the oil on your sedan. I can respect that. Someone who takes the time to maintain and care for their car will have great use out of it for years to come. That's something most people don't realize- they drive the heck out of a car, thinking it doesn't need to be taken into the shop until it's starting to break down. But you get it. You understand the importance of regular tune ups and... oh shit, WHERE ARE MY SHOES?"

Yes, it is possible to fail a Photoshop course.

Crip starter kits are only $119.99 with your Sam's Club card.

Few people realize that Drake is an amateur gemologist. Here are a few gems from his collection of rare glass doorknobs from old ladies' homes.

An A? I'd drop a whole letter grade because he can't spell "similes."

This could be a new age CD- I don't care. It is an awesome cover.