More Goddamn Mall Kiosks And What Their Goddamn Attendants Are Probably Goddamned Thinking

The following is what Carrie at the Dipping Dots kiosk in Albemarle, Mass was thinking about:

• Are these two customers lovers or brother and sister?

• What kind of damaged adults order Dipping Dots or themselves?!

• Why, God, why aren't I famous yet?????

The following is what Dani at the Perfume YES! kiosk in Chilton, West Virginia was thinking about:

• My God, this cigarette tastes great

• Just puffing this in the parking lot relaxes me more than anything else. Ahhh.

• Wait. Who's minding the kiosk? Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit...

The following is what Toni at the Shopping Inc. kiosk in Bethesda, Maryland was thinking about:

• Who buys all this useless crap?

• Is "True Detective" on tonight?

• Can anyone tell I sharted my pants? Hope not.

The following is what Brian at the Rosetta Stone Language Center kiosk in Los Palmas, California was thinking about:

• What should I get for lunch today- Sbarro or Panda Express?

• I wish people would stop avoiding giving me eye contact so I can sell some damned product.

• Is Iggy Azalea black or not?

The following is what Donna at the vacant kiosk in Portland, Oregon was thinking about:

• Are these split ends?

• Where the hell is Cathy and Angela? They're like 15 minutes late already.

• OMG IS SOMEONE UP THERE LOOKING DOWN MY BLOUSE

The following is what Rosa at the Balloon Fun kiosk in Cheyenne, Wyoming was thinking about:

• What was my life plan again?

• I wonder what I would say if I ever got the chance to meet Sir Ian McKellen.

• I can't tell if I've lost weight in my chest or if my bra has lost its elasticity.

The following is what Taylor at the Damn Right Sterling Silver kiosk in Ithaca, New York was thinking about:

• This idiot doesn't think this is all real silver, right?

• Has anyone noticed that my socks don't match?

• Why are Oreos great, but Double Stuf Oreos are nasty as shit?

The following is what Tobias at the Bauble Bobble kiosk in Canker, Florida was thinking about:

• How did I get this corn kernel in my nose?

• When will Republicans realize that the Affordable Care Act is here to stay?

• Does any other word rhyme with "kangaroo?"