Mr. Jingles Is Coming.

The Home Depot in Union City, New Jersey will be host to the lovable antics of Mr. Jingles.

Mr. Jingles will give your kids keys and one of those keys will be MAGIC and will actually open his treasure chest. Mr. Jingles may or may not step away from the treasure chest so that his crotch is right there. And it turns out that if your kid does open the treasure chest with the MAGIC key, there's nothing inside except for a couple of coupons for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut and an old pamphlet about warts.

Here are some other things that you probably didn't know about Mr. Jingles:

• He's one of the most popular artists on Datpiff.com.

• Despite the government's best efforts, there is absolutely no record of Mr. Jingles from years 1993-1998.

• The nickname "Mr. Jingles" was given to him by Marlon Brando. True story.

• Mr. Jingles is related to Fred Durst, but neither will admit it.

• Never bring anything with velour into Mr. Jingles' house. He goes totally apeshit.

• Mr. Jingles was kicked out of Santa's workshop when he tried to fondle a female elf's genitals.

• Whenever it's close to 5pm, Mr. Jingles starts packing up for home. No use asking him for anything then.

• He still owns a Dreamcast, which when you think about it, is pretty damn cool.

• One year Mr. Jingles had bangs in his hair. Holy ass, he looked stupid.

• If you closely at the advertisement, you can tell who is in the Mr. Jingles suit:

Meanwhile, At Target, K-Mart, and Especially Pathmark...

(Click to enlarge)























What's interesting about Pathmark- when I recently went to take a poop there (don't ask), I passed by their sorting system for lost items:


I was amazed and impressed that they actually do take the time to re-organize and reshelve the many, many lost items that end up in the store, although I imagine it's a losing battle.




But for all their efforts and organization, it makes me nauseous to think that some meat, produce, or freshly baked bread has been close to where people poop.

In Case You Ever Wondered If The Beaded Path Does Restringing

Yes.

Ask Dr. Fish

Dear Dr. Fish,

Sometimes when I am doing yoga (especially coming out of the plow pose), my body suddenly passes air out of my vagina making a fart-like sound. It’s embarrassing when in a room full of other people! I tried keeping my pelvic muscles tight (because this has happened before, though luckily it was in my living room) when lowering my legs down in an attempt to stop this from happening, but no luck. Do you have any suggestions, is something wrong with my insides, and does this happen to other people?

Thank you for your help!
Sue Pine in Scoville

-----

Dear Sue,

Uh, I'm not sure how to answer this question. First of all, I am a fish, so that means I know nothing about yoga. And secondly, this question isn't exactly medical related, which is good, because I'm not really a licensed physician, so I wouldn't have been able to answer any question of that nature, either.

Hope this helped!
Dr. Fish

-----

Dear Dr. Fish,

I suffer from recurring vaginal yeast infections. My doctor gave me an oral antiyeast medicine for it and a cream to apply. In addition, he gave me something to stop the itching. It seemed worse after the treatment, so the doctor gave me five more days of the oral medicine. What would you suggest if it comes back again? Could it be something I am eating or taking?

Thanks in advance,
N.F. in Scoville

-----

Dear N.F. in Scoville,

I would definitely bring it up with your current doctor, mainly because I am not a real doctor. I am actually just a fish in a doctor's outfit. And by the way, if I had a vagina and it itched that much, I would follow those prescriptions to a motherfucking T.

Cheers,
Dr. Fish

-----

Yo, Dr. Fish,

Did you know "vagina" is a Latin word meaning "a sheath or scabbard?" A scabbard into which one might slide and sheath a sword, wink wink. But the sword need not be a penis; our vaginas were sheaths of power and worth celebrating! Here's to vagina power!

Margaret Cho (not the comedienne) in Scoville

-----

Dear Margaret,

What the fuck is going on here, people?! Why are all these questions about vaginas?! And that last one wasn't even a question. Is this some juvenile crack at how vaginas smell like fish or something, because I do NOT appreciate it. I am here to answer legitimate questions about medical problems, although I am not a medical doctor and am in fact just a humble fish. Also, what the sam shit is up with all of you coming from Scoville? Where is that?

Jesus Christ.
Dr. Fish

A Work Of Art

Spotted in South Orange, New Jersey, this exquisite outdoor sculpture of unknown origin.


What's interesting about this soaring, monumental piece is that it seems the bright, solid opposite of a grave and strikes at the whole definition of sculpture right away. It does not suggest flight or the ability to fly or even movement, but rather it plays the role of intermediary between the sky and the earth. The solid, consistent mass of the base holds it to the earth by the force of gravity. Art critics are instantly reminded of the bold organic lines of Alexander Calder's La Grande Voile or Merete Rasmussen's clear, clean curves.


This sculpture can be viewed in front of Cleanway Car Wash, where you can get a brushless carwash, interior detailing job, hubcap waxing, and floor mat laundering for only $29.99. SUVs are $5 extra.

No Words.

I took a poop at Pathmark (don't ask) and spotted this:




"Meat?!" That's all it says? And why did an employee take it into a bathroom stall? Why does it just say "meat?" What was he doing with "meat" in the bathroom? My head hurts. But my ass feels so much better.

A Fairly Close Typographical Match?

Okay, not a perfect match. But enough to be worth noting.

Whatever, man.

A Very Happy Thanksgiving 2011 From EADJ

Once again, we at EADJ wish you and your one friend a happy and healthy Thanksgiving weekend. And like every single weekday since December 2, 2006, we still post something for scores of our readers to enjoy, even on holidays.

Here's an IM convo with Tom Weingard:



Here's a photo of Jay Cohen doing "research" on social media websites:



And here's some clipart of a turkey who doesn't understand what's about to go down:




Don't overeat, you fuckers!

Spotted In Irvington, NJ

What I first thought was a strip club turned out to be a ladies hair salon. I guess the silhouetted skanks threw me off. DANGEROUS DIVAS.

I'm not sure if $50 sew-in hair weaves are supposed to be a bargain (it's been so long since I've had one done), but I definitely cannot say no to a $15 doobie.

No, wait. What kind of doobie are we talking about here?





So, it's a Rachel for sisters? Looks nice.

EADJ Presents: How To Eat Green

A lot of people these days are wondering, "how can I still enjoy dining out while still protecting the environment?" No, actually nobody is thinking that except people with OCD and Rosie O' Donnell. Anyways, here are some helpful ways of how you can eat at restaurants but still keep your carbon footprint to a minimum:

• Tell the girl at McDonald's not to wrap your Quarter Pounder in paper and to instead serve it to you from the small of her back.

• Opt for tap water instead of bottled water. And savor the deliciously pathetic look of disappointment in the waiters' faces when you do.

• If you're ordering tater skins at TGI Fridays, could you save some for me?

• Many fine restaurants whiten their tablecloths and napkins using bleach and chemicals that are bad for the environment. Torch those places.

• When ordering food at a diner, ask the waitress if her establishment has "gone green." Study the expression on her face carefully.

• The restaurant Captain D's uses caustic fluorocarbons in their catfish filets that deplete the ozone layer. I'd order the tilapia instead.

• Save your unused paper napkins and utensils so you can slip them into parked cars whose windows were left open a little bit.

• You'll be happy to know that the guys at Subway wash their hands with biodegradable soap before picking their ass and then making your meatball sub.

• If possible, take actress Eva Green out with you to dinner. Maybe you'll get this joke.

• Ask your maitre 'D to stop his earth-killing ways.

• Smith and Wollensky offers a steak that doesn't contribute to releasing methane into the atmosphere. It's called a salad.

• Save paper by not asking for the check.

Blackberry Face IV V

Starting in the first week of December, EADJ's exhibit "The Blackberry Face" will be augmented with a monumental new piece, recently acquired by the EADJ Museum Society as a permanent addition to the collection.


"Edvard" is a groundbreaking new masterwork that has rocked the art world to its foundation- it stays true to the spirit of its predecessors while at the same time challenging the very definition of what a "Blackberry Face" can be.


Not only is "Edvard" the first recording of a "Blackberry Face" outside of the New Jersey Transit Line, it is the very first instance of someone making a "Blackberry Face" while reading a Kindle. The repercussions of this new "game-changing" discovery have yet to be realized by the art press and the world in general.


"Edvard" joins "Maggie," "Frank," and "Tony," thereby converting the admired triptych into the rarer tetraptych.

The Blackberry Face Collection has been made possible by our chief patron, the Rembrandt Society. With special thanks to Canon Cameras, Blue Moon Beer and the Chubb Corporation. Additional finance has been supplied by the Bequest of Mrs Riemsdijk-Borsje, who the museum manager went to school with.

:C

***UPDATE***

Due to a GLARING oversight on EADJ's part, we mistakenly reported that "Edvard" was the fourth new "Blackberry Face," when in fact there already WAS a fourth, "Sam," which was added to the collection in May of this year. Readers must be assured this was not racially motivated.




This now means that "Edvard" is no longer the first "Blackberry Face" featured out of the NJ Transit train, and yet it remains the first one to feature a Kindle. "Edvard" now upgrades this rare tetraptych to an even rarer pentaptych.