What You Say, Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup?

Whether this is roundup #10 or #11 isn't important. What is important is that my asshole burns like a piping hot tabasco enema.


Brand: Isabel 500
Label: A dove flying over a bunch of white flowers.
Feels Like: Giving up the Holy Ghost.


Brand: Aero Soft 2-Ply Bath Tissue
Label: Pleasant script typeface, blue marble-y textured background.
Feels Like: Actually wiping your ass with crumbled marble.


Brand: PRECIOUS Facial Quality 500 Two-Ply
Label: Gollum-green label. Background that resembles the dark clouds over Mount Doom.
Feels Like: Destroying my "One Ring" in molten lava.


Brand: North River
Label: Unassuming yellowish beige-y color.
Feels Like: Wiping with a dead mule's crumbling dick.


Brand: "Bath Tissue"
Label: What appears to be football field yard lines.
Feels Like: Your asshole getting tackled by that kid from "The Blind Side."


Brand: Sofitelle Soft & Absorbent
Label: Named after a high class hotel where a maid got raped
Feels Like: Getting raped by Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the IMF


Brand:D&S
Label: Mysterious initials, a heart, and also flowers stolen from the Isabel 500 label.
Feels Like: Burns like a M.F. right in the A-hole.


Brand: Quali-T Toilet Tissue
Label: A masculine blue label with an industrial logo
Feels Like: Straddling a pro-wrestler's belt


Brand:Preferred Plus Bathroom Tissue, Single Roll
Label: A yellow puddle overlapping a blue puddle. Is that supposed to be piss?
Feels Like: Wiping with your child's treasured origami collection


Brand: Mancini Trading Plush 2-Ply Soft Bathroom Tissue
Label: What appears to be a cherry hanging from some wheat. Great God.
Feels Like: Exactly that. Wiping with a stalk of wheat with a cherry hanging from it.


Brand: WS500 Soft & Lush Bath Tissue
Label: The Windows 7 Desktop Photo, and a very friendly brand name.
Feels Like: You're not really trying to wipe your ass.



"Luxurious and Embossed!"


Brand: Bay West
Label: As generic as they get
Feels Like: Michael Bay exploding your anus with C4 strapped to paper


Brand: ROLLMASTR
Label: BIG INDUSTRL SPOOL
Feels Like: RLLY RLLY HRTS


Brand: Generic Seattle-scene Grunge Toilet Paper
Label: None. They reject labels.
Feels Like: Wiping with Eddie Vedder's old burlap poncho


Brand: Windsoft
Label: Flowing blue graphics, and the promise of "A Touch of Tenderness"
Feels Like: That goddamn toilet paper was lying.


Brand: Optima Double Soft Floral Embossed Bath Tissue
Label: Green marble. Like that lobby in "The Matrix"
Feels Like: Accidentally sitting on a knife