Album #1: "The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza"
Larry: I’m guessing that, despite the name, there is no connection to either Tony Danza or tap dance. The wise-ass goofy name, distressed black background and retro-cool Kool Aid guy makes me think this is a band in the pop-punk-alternative mode. Like an early Green Day. I bet they’re an awesome band playing Goo Goo Dolls and Fu Fighters covers at a local bar, but their own stuff is considerably less appealing. Or they’re simply a band that just caters to poor, thirsty kids who like the taste of red food coloring.
Brynn: Cheesy 80s
Andrew: Self-important, like drawing feet on a potato, this stupid techno blitz of bleeps and bloops brings to mind awfulness, candy necklaces, and a guy taking a dump in a club bathroom. The dual ironic borrowed interest, in short, reeks.
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Album #2: Günther, "Pleasureman"
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Larry: I was gonna say this is a goof as well. Like the picture is an inside joke and the music can’t be as lame as implied. But then I saw the umlaut in “gunther.” This might be legit. So I’ll say a cheesy euro douche who tries to sing sexy electronic pop and ballads. Like Justin Timberlake with less talent and technology from 1982.
Brynn: Dance/techno/eurotrash
Andrew: This isn’t really fair for me to review, as Mark Nikowlowski once sent out one of this dude’s songs in an attempt at humor on the company bullshit list. From the looks of it, it’s a dude banging a spoon on a triangle at varied speeds. Again, this one isn’t fair. I’m too close to it.
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Album #3: Vinte!, "EP 2009"
Larry: The usual not-so-great white kid punk rap fusion. Like the Beasties but just not. Except for some reason (perhaps the name “Vinte!”) I feel like they sing bilingually.
Brynn: 90's white Italian hip hop
Andrew: These guys sing about girls who have dumped them for not getting hard, then they go shred. Also, I love that Justin Long is on the bottom.
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Album #4: Bionic Ghost Kids, "Poison Ivy"
Larry: Wow. Not a clue. I’m guessing kids who can dance pretty well, and somehow managed to leverage that into an album despite the fact that they can’t make good music. I’ll say electronica with vocals mixed in. Or maybe an uncool, all-male Evanescence.
Brynn: beat boxing
Andrew: Fuse a drum machine and a-capella rants about society and you have this group. The guy in the mask doesn’t do anything but dance around mutely while shaking his fist and occasionally doing handstands. The dog was just borrowed for the photo shoot and plays no role in the overall group dynamic.
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Album #5: God Is I, "Merauder"
Larry: An homage to the classic 80’s death medal. Design a cool album cover and t-shirt (Megadeth, Anthrax, etc). THEN make music. I’ll say heavy metal...tightly played yet too loud/noisy to be good.
Brynn: Pop metal (according to Joanne)
Andrew: Equal parts gutteral growl, speed metal, and the sound of poop hitting toilet water. Large dick-n-balls inflatables engulf the stage during their live shows.
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Album #6: Scotty Vanity, "Eyeliner Is Spiffy"
Larry: Is “I was touched by daddy” a musical style? This kid’s a mess. But for some unknown reason, I’m guessing that he’s the most talented of this whole lot and has the best (most worthwhile) music. He probably has a sound that works, and some instrumental skills (possible even a terrific piano/keyboard player?)...but lacks the big voice. He wishes he was Adam Lambert, but instead he’s just a solid, yet unspectacular prodigy turned wannabe.
Brynn: wanna be boy george
Andrew: What that “leave Britney alone” meme would sound if set to music. It sounds like he plays the piano with his ass. Come to think of it, he probably does. Hoarse voice due to chain smoking and constant cackle noises.
(EADJ will post MP3s of the featured musical acts tomorrow, along with our esteemed panel's reaction to said music.)
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