The Off Brand T.P. Roundup, A Big Number 2

EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the overwhelming positive response that we've gotten regarding the previous Off Brand T.P. Roundup, Eat A Dick Joel and NBC's Dateline have teamed up to bring you another segment sampling and reviewing some lesser-known brands of toilet tissue that we've found around town.

And this time, West Coast EADJ Correspondent ANDREW GALL has volunteered to offer his take on each:


Envision

To me, this one translates as "Visualize a clean poop chute." Can do. Also, for some reason, I imagine birds are somehow involved.


Premium Bath Tissue

The quality is the polar opposite of the name. It’s like saying “top shelf malt liquor.” It’s going to be rough and some skin may come off. I see this one as being prevalent at truck stops.


Marcal

Very abstract. A European flavor, perhaps. This appears to say “high-end,” but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the exact opposite. It’s probably present in those bathrooms in Brooklyn with the framed menus on the toilets.


Tork Universal

Ugh. “Tork.” Really? How is that a good idea for a name in this context? I’m afraid of this one and shying away. I guess maybe “Universal” makes me feel better about using it if everyone else is.



Mont Royal

Depends. Is it pronounced “Royal” or “Roy-ale?” The answer will yield very different results, and potentially consequences. I’m guessing it’s Canadian. Which means it’s probably OK. This is the kind of toilet paper that people give to horses.

T.P. Roundup BONUS:
East Coast Correspondent TOM WEINGARD has agreed to review the following "Qualité," an off-brand wetnap! (Click video to play)